Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Out of the blue

Feeling Reflective
Hearing Rick Springfield~The First Noel

Thanksgiving was interesting. I was in the shower after a mad cleaning session before our company showed up and I had a very vivid memory. When I first found out my due date the first thing Hubby & I laughed about was how thankful we would be this Thanksgiving. I daydreamed a bit about the baby that should be here with us. I was sad but am starting not to crumble whenever my mind wanders like that.

Until this morning...

I had a dentist appointment first thing this morning. I was in the chair waiting for the hygienist and when she walked in the first thing she asked all excitedly "So, did you have a boy or a girl??" Talk about out of the blue. I gasped and answered quietly "Neither." She was mortified and didn't know what to say (outside of a quick "I'm sorry") so I quickly started babbling about the snow and the drive in to the office to change the subject and make her feel better. Again, my mind wandered to my last appointment and how excited I was about the baby. I didn't have x-rays done and had scheduled my next appointment for after my due date. My heart beat quickly through the whole appointment. It took all I had to keep it together in the appointment but I managed not to break down in tears.

The first few months after the miscarriage there were quite a few of these incidents...but I kinda always knew to expect them. I can't think of anyone else who knew I was pregnant that I have not seen since the miscarriage. I sure hope this is the last one.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Seriously?

Feeling Quiet
Hearing The dishwasher

I've been somewhat able to move on lately. My mind has not been as obsessed with babies since my due date has past. I was feeling pretty good.

Then last night I heard that Hubby's cousin is pregnant...AGAIN. This is her fourth in less than four years.

Seriously?!?

I was stunned. She just had a baby at the end of June. I am a little bitter. Unfortunately, in my heart her life is a little entangled in my miscarriage past. I was pregnant at her baby shower in July 3 years ago. I soon miscarried after that. Since that first miscarriage she has had THREE babies while I have had two miscarriages and now she is pregnant again. WTH?? It so brings back the chorus of "What about me????"

Realistically it's not like I'm jealous of that situation. I would in no way want four babies under the age of four. It just stings a little and totally makes my heart hurt!

I am sure my MIL will be feeling it as well. Her brother is the grandfather to all these babies and he has gone from no grandchildren to what will be 7 in less than 4 years. That family has three boys and one girl and all the boys are married and have just started popping out babies. The daughter is getting married in the spring so I am sure she'll be pregnant soon after. They are a fertile bunch. :) Poor Mar...she has only the one and is desperate for more grandchildren.

I did not sleep well (partly becasue Hubby is gone but also because I could not shut my mind off). and then when I finally fell asleep...I dreamt of babies. I can't escape it.

This feels like such a pity party and I don't want to feel this way. It's totally random how any news of what is going on with her totally knocks me for a loop.

I so need to go drink the kool-aid at their house!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

So hard

Feeling Sad
Hearing Quiet

Well...here it is. My due date.

I am not sure what I expected to feel today but I did not expect it to feel like this.

I am feeling totally decimated...almost like this loss is happening all over again.

I kind of already knew that my real healing could not start until after my due date.

I no longer need to look at every pregnant women and wonder how pregnant she is for a comparison. Each week ticking by will no longer mean the same thing. I now have a totally different set of dates...the what if dates.

I have had this experience before. I don't know if it is because I am alone today that it feels harder than last time.

I sit here and cry and pray and cry and pray.

I knew this date would be hard. I just did not expect it to be this hard.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Bitter much?

Feeling Sad
Hearing The Today Show

I am feeling very emotional this morning.

I am not sure what triggered it but I am very weepy.

The bitterness has been creeping in a bit this month.

Not entirely unexpected...I should be over 38 weeks right now.

I should be miserably huge right now. I should be bitching about being pregnant and how I can't wait to get this baby out of me. I should be counting down the minutes until I meet a precious new life.

Instead I am still trying to get pregnant. I went to the doctor earlier this month to "reregulate" my cycle. I feel like we are starting over. I feel like we are running out of time. I am so mad about it!

I see a woman I am in the PTO with everyday walking up to school to pick up her kids. She is WAY pregnant and has what should be MY due date. I was talking to her and another mother last week and she was complaining about all her symptoms. I had to excuse myself. I could not hear another word. Around most pregnant people I am fine but for some reason I am extremely resentful towards this woman. There is no rhyme or reason (except the due date thing). It makes me feel like such a horrible person.

I am crying and praying this morning.

Praying for peace to settle in my heart.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

D@mn Lisa Marie Presley

Feeling Quiet
Hearing Nada

Lisa Marie Presley announced the names of her twin girls today (Harper & Finley). How in the world did she pick both of MY girl names? I know it is crazy how possessive I feel about these names but I can't help it!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

My Monthly Heartbreak

Feeling Quiet
Hearing Football on tv

I have another blog ( Gillie Time ) and have from time to time touched on my desire to have another child and all the heartbreak that goes with it.

The main focus of that blog is my need to share the joy that is my life. :) There have been times that I have started to write something in respect to the baby fever and stopped myself because I did not feel that Gillie Time was the appropriate forum for those "rants".

I have copied all my "infertility" and "miscarriage" entries from Gillie Time to this blog and will use this blog to talk about that aspect of my life.

So here it is...the dirty and ugly side of me...My Monthly Heartbreak.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Milestones

Feeling Jealous
Hearing Rich Mullins~Hold Me Jesus

Pregnancy is a celebration of dates.

Every week and every month mean big happy changes.

After a miscarriage those same celebrations become silent markers of what might have been.

I would be over five months pregnant now.

I would be nice and round and getting fat!

I would be thinking about decorating the nursery instead of obsessing about my bathroom and new closet.

These markers tick by every month until what would have been my due date.

Then there are the two "anniversaries" that are never forgotten.

Due Date and Miscarriage Date.

Both dates are forever written on my heart.

This week is three years since my first miscarriage.

It is hard to believe that had that not happened I would have a two and a half year old right now!

I truly believe things happen the way they are supposed to but it does not stop me from questioning God and asking Why? Why? Why?

I am really working on being happy and content with my life.

Most days I am.

I have moved on somewhat.

I put all the grieving and miscarriage books away (I may need to get them back out though).

I try and focus on being present and engaged in my life right now…but some days it is harder than others.

I spent a lot of time on the phone with my MIL yesterday. She was very upset about something and I was letting her vent. I am glad we have such a good relationship (especially because I do not have one with my own mother) and that I can be there for her but it is easy to get sucked into the negativity. She shared a lot of stuff (good and bad) and was on quite a rant. I listened. I soothed. I tried to help her as best I knew how and when I got off the phone with her last night I was in a funk.

I talked to Hubby a bit about it but I didn’t want to detail too much of the drama with him because MIL was venting to me because she doesn’t want her boys involved (they get pretty protective and try to jump in and fix things and with this issue there is nothing that can be changed~she just needed to vent).

I haven’t necessarily been in the best place this last week anyway.

Yesterday a friend called to tell me she was pregnant.

This morning I saw another friend who is pregnant and has my same due date. It was really hard to see her and be happy for her. It was hard to actually SEE how pregnant I should be right now! I was so jealous I could just spit!

I am sitting here at Grammy's house. It is empty and I am waiting for the bank appraiser to show for the sale. It is so sad to be in the house now but it is the perfect place to sit and cry.

My heart just hurts today. It hurts for me but it hurts for my MIL as well. She has been through so much in the last year and I think now with the wedding over and her mother's house being sold all the sh*t is coming to a culmination and the grief is really settling in.

It is what it is and I can’t change the situation but I still wish I could. I know God knows best but today I am praying for a wisdom and peace.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Quiet Monday Morning

Feeling Quiet
Hearing Silence

I’m still here…just not wanting to write much.

It’s been a busy few weeks for us and I will post a great big picture filled entry soon but I wasn’t feeling like that is the post I am supposed to write today. On this Memorial Day this entry is what has poured out of me...

My days have been filled with activities and fun but the sorrow is still there lying in wait…grabbing me unaware and still capable of taking my breath away, bringing me to my knees and making my heart feel like it has broken anew. There are times I feel like I am in a bottomless well of sadness and I can’t get out.

Most days are good days.

I am able to focus on all of the great things in my life. I count my blessings but in doing so it sometimes makes it worse. In the celebration of all the wonderful things I already have in my life mainly the wonderful child I was already given it makes the pain of not having other children more real. I have a child yet still covet others.

I have read in more than one place that having a miscarriage is like losing a dream and this is real on so many levels. The most glaring part is when you have a miscarriage all you really have left to mourn is the dream of the life you would have had with your baby. To lose a child before birth is to lose a dream, a hope, and for me I lost a part of myself each time. I am mourning a dream~a vision of what might have been~a dream of the life I thought I’d have. My babies were loved from the moment I first dreamt them.

My BFF Jen sent me a journal link yesterday about a woman who lost her baby shortly after birth.

Bring The Rain

I was not having a good day yesterday and started to read it and couldn’t. It was too painful. Last night I tried again and read her whole journal. Her faith in God is what made Jen send it to me.

Her faith in God is what I want for myself.

I want to trust that everything is going to be just as it should be. I want to feel that I have a true relationship with God. I want to talk to him and feel that he is listening to me. I want to hear his voice in my everyday life. I don’t feel that way right now and that is perhaps the most heartbreaking thing for me about all of this. I have not lost my faith but I somehow feel I am not enough. I pray but often feel my prayers aren’t good enough. Why don’t I feel the hand of God guiding me? I don’t feel his presence in my life and I am lost.

Words that are not my own but so capture what I am feeling today.

In the Face of Fertility Challenges

Lord, help me to know that You are enough.
Take my eyes off of myself.
Take my eyes off of the child I desire.
Help me to delight myself in You.
Mold the desires of my heart to be in line with Your will.
I don't want to need to be a mother more than I need to be your humble, obedient child.
I don't want wanting to have a baby to be a stumbling block between You and me anymore.

Lord, I want to give this desire, this drive, this ache up to You.
Help me not to snatch it back as I so often do with the burdens I place in Your hands.
Help me to be truly content with Your will and Your timing.
Lord, You know that I still desire a baby - someone to mold, teach, train, shape, guide, and help to grow in You.
But until the day You give me that joyous blessing, help me to grow in You. Let me reach out to those around me.
Let me witness and minister to the children You place in my path.

Lord, if adoption is the path You would have us take, prepare our hearts, and prepare the child who will share our home.
If adoption is not Your will for our lives, keep me from pushing ahead of Your plan.
Help me to stay submitted to my husband's will, and to Your will.
If we are headed in the wrong direction, change our hearts.

Thank You for lifting my burden.
Help me to keep You first!
Let me seek Your face daily, and let me know that You are enough!

--Jennifer Saake

Saturday, May 10, 2008

The Results

Feeling Happy
Hearing Weezer~Pork and Beans

I got all my test results back and they didn’t find anything.

I guess that is good news…obviously you don’t want anything to be wrong with you but on the other hand if they did find something then maybe we could figure out why I miscarried.

Oh well…it is what it is!!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Tuesday Morning

Feeling Sad
Hearing Silence

Things have been busy here and are back to normal schedule wise. I am still a bit of an emotional mess but I am good at faking it.

I feel like I am in recovery…it’s a take it one day at a time kind of thing. Each day brings a fresh perspective. I don’t know if I am gonna have a good day or a bad day but at least I am gonna have a day.

Everything is still very jumbled…my days are kind of running together. I still have a tightness in my chest and a heaviness in my heart.

I have been able to cry and I cry a lot. I cry in the car. I cry at night. I cry at commercials and movies and books.

My nerves are raw and I feel exposed all the time. It is a very unnerving feeling.

It is also pretty difficult as it has been three weeks since the miscarriage and by now most people have forgotten it and assume I am okay and have moved on.

Obviously I have not moved on.

The shock of everything has finally worn off and now I am sad and angry. Sad for what we’ve lost as a family and angry at the unfairness of the loss of what might have been.

I am just trying to heal my broken heart.

Prayer After Miscarriage or Stillbirth
By Sandy Eisenberg Sasso

God, we are weary and grieved.
We were anticipating the birth of a child, but the promise of life was ended too soon.
Our arms yearned to cradle new life, our mouths to sing soft lullabies.
Our hearts ache from the emptiness and the silence.
We are saddened and we are angry.
We weep and we mourn.
Weep with us, God, Creator of Life, for the life that could not be.
Source of healing, help us to find healing among those who care for us and those for whom we care.
Shelter us under wings of love and help us to stand up again for life even as we mourn our loss.

Monday, April 7, 2008

To test or not to test

Feeling Anxious
Hearing Days Of Our Lives

To test or not to test…what a big question.

I had my follow-up appointment this morning. It went very well.

The doctor was able to answer some of our questions but of course not the BIG question~WHY?

Then we got to the testing question. Most doctors want you to wait until you have three miscarriages before they start talking about testing but my doctor gives you the choice after two miscarriages.

He did indicate that the chance that I would miscarry three times in a row is still pretty minimal. Of course I am thinking that the chance I would miscarry a second time was less than 5% and that didn’t exactly work out. The chance of miscarriage after hearing the heartbeat and in the second trimester is approximately 1 to 5% & I hit that one too!

Hubby and I had discussed the testing and neither of us was ready to do anything overly invasive at this point. We did quite a bit of testing in our infertility workup but that was 10 years ago.

After talking to the doctor we all decided we would do the recurrent miscarriage blood workup and go from there. The workup tests for a bunch of different things (thyroid, autoimmune disorders, etc.). It basically helps to rule out a bunch of things.

He sent me over to the hospital to get my blood drawn and then decided to schedule me for a mammogram (to get a baseline due to family history) at the same time. Aren’t I lucky!?!

Hubby and I went to lunch so I could hydrate myself before giving blood. I am a very bad stick but know if I am hydrated it is a bit easier.

Thank goodness I thought ahead…they took FOURTEEN vials of blood!!! Apparently every test the do needs its own vial of blood! It took forever and my arm aches right now! The mammogram wasn’t too bad~not pleasant but it went fairly fast.

I should have my results next week from all testing. Fingers crossed…except I am not sure what to hope for…to find something that is the cause of my miscarriages or to not find anything.

Friday, April 4, 2008

The Prince on babies

Feeling Quiet
Hearing Something on the Bluegrass music channel (The Prince's pick)

My friend Michelle had her baby today.

Surprisingly it did not make me too sad.

The Prince on the other hand is another story.

I showed him the pictures and he was quiet for a long while.

Then he softly asked me “Mom, has our chance to have another baby passed?”

I told him that I didn’t know.

“Doesn’t God think we would be good to a baby?”

I paused to think about what to say but then told him that God has a plan for each of us and sometimes even when we really want something badly God knows a reason why we shouldn’t have it. We just have to be patient and wait to see what God has in store for us.

He broke my already broken heart.

That is until he said “Maybe, it’s a good thing we don’t have a baby. If we had a baby, you guys wouldn’t be able to pay as much attention to ME! I really LOVE being the center of attention!!”

Center of attention~I thought that was MOI!! I told him he was probably right, that babies do take up a lot of time but if we did have another baby we would still make special time just for him.

Then he said “I don’t think I want a baby. I would like a little brother that is close to my age but a baby wouldn’t be close to my age. Besides, babies are noisy and cry and eat a lot. I would have to be quiet all the time and I wouldn’t be able to leave my toys out everywhere because the baby might choke on them. I have friends at school who complain about how much their little brothers bug them all the time. I just don't need all that STRESS!!”

Stress...LOL!! He's 8 and worried about stress! We talked for a few minutes about the way a baby changes everything.

He went back to playing with his toys and I heard him quietly say to himself “It sure would be nice to have a baby though.”

From his lips to God's ears.

Friday Morning

Feeling Quiet
Hearing Silence

On a day to day (or hour to hour) basis I think I am doing okay.

I still feel on the verge of tears almost all the time but just can’t seem to let it all out.

I am trying to make myself leave the house every day so I am not all cocooned in the bedroom.

On Tuesday I went out to lunch and shopping with my MIL to start the preparations for my future SIL’s wedding shower.

Wednesday I did my grocery shopping. I had not done the shopping for ages. I kept putting it off and then I started having pregnancy complications so Hubby was going to the grocery for me. It was quite an expensive trip as we needed just about everything!

Yesterday I went and got a massage. I had hoped the massage would relieve some of the stress and tension I was feeling and maybe I would be able to have a good cry and it did help a little but not enough.

Today I am supposed to go to lunch with a friend (I haven’t heard form her today yet though) and I am getting a hair cut.

We had a good evening last night. The Prince had piano lessons and is getting ready for the spring recital. Hubby made YUMMY turkey burgers and fries for dinner (I made pasta salad!). We had some much needed family hot tub time! The Prince has been a bit neglected lately so it was nice to just focus on him and Hubby.

I have been able to talk about things without crying. I have had quite a few conversations about the miscarriage this week (MIL, SIL and different friends).

As I said, I think overall I am doing okay~or so I thought…last night I opened a pudding cup and then dropped it. I burst in to tears and started crying hysterically. On second thought~maybe I'm not so okay.

Things have hit me in different ways. This miscarriage has been easier in some ways and harder in others.

Physically it has been easier as I knew what to expect. The only symptom I am having is I am so exhausted. I know that the hysterical crying and tiredness and other aches and pains are mainly due to out of control hormones. Knowing it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with!

Emotionally it has been more difficult on many levels. I am finding out that I never really dealt with all my emotions from our first miscarriage. It happened so quickly and unexpectedly and there were so many other things going on in my life at the time that I just moved on and kind of closed the door on the grief. I thought I had grieved at the time but looking back I realize I really didn’t. I didn’t really know I could. There is such a cloud of secrecy around miscarriage that I felt I was being irrational at the time when I felt so badly. I had plenty of people to support me but didn’t know how to grieve. So I never did.

This time around (as I am now dealing with both losses) I am using all available resources. I have been reading books and online articles. I have used the internet a lot lately reading medical articles or people’s blogs who have been through this. The difference this time around is on the support side. We didn’t tell many people I was pregnant so only those people know about the miscarriage. I have received some support but I think because I have been through it before people think I don’t need as much from them. I can’t be upset because people are only doing what they know how to do but it is still hard. All my reading has made me feel a bit less isolated after feeling a little let down by my friends and family.

Writing in this journal does the same thing. I am able to express what I am feeling at any given moment. It helps when I write it down but it also helps when I go back and read it. For me having my thoughts in writing give them a bit of validation...validation of my grief...validation of my loss...it validates ME!

The Empty Womb
By Jill Lemming

I carried you so lovingly,
within my gentle womb...
and little did I realize,
your life would end too soon.

I never got the chance to say
"I love you, little one"...
before I held you in my arms,
your life on earth was done.

The grief is indescribable,
to lose a child this way...
all the many hopes and dreams,
just vanished on that day.

I know I'll see the sun shine bright
upon my baby's face...
when I finally get to heaven,
all my pain will be erased.

We'll soar the skies together,
as angels two by two...
we'll have a sweet reunion;
this mother's dream come true.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Tuesday Morning

Feeling Quiet
Hearing R.E.M.


I am still feeling pretty numb. I can’t focus on anything. It all seems so unreal. Last week I was pregnant. Last week I had a new life growing inside me. This week I do not.

I was reminded this morning that I would be 10 weeks today by an e-mail. I thought I had unsubscribed to all those pregnancy week by week e-mails I had subscribed to when I found out I was pregnant. I missed one. I packed up all my pregnancy books and they have been replaced by books on miscarriage, grief and coping. I have gathered up all my pregnancy magazines and will leave them at the doctor’s office when I go next week.

Yesterday went okay. I didn’t do much. I read a little and took a nap until it was time to pick up The Prince from school.

The bright spot of my day was a beautiful flower arrangement from my friend Holly.


Aren’t they amazing!?!

She is such a good friend!

THANKS HOLLY!!!

Hubby is still pretty concerned about me but I can tell he is at a loss at what to do.

I am meeting my MIL for lunch today at a restaurant we are thinking about having a bridal shower at. I am trying to plan to go do something everyday or I wouldn’t leave the house except to pick up The Prince. I am not really sad today just blah. It’s an odd feeling.

I think I have shared this before in an entry when my friend Holly had her miscarriage but I wanted to share it again.

MISCARRIAGE PRAYER
By Mother M. Angelica

My Lord, the baby is dead!

Why, my Lord, dare I ask why?

It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face.

It will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise.

Why, my Lord?

“Why, My child, do you ask ‘why’?

Well, I will tell you why.

You see, the child lives.

Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne.

Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty, he sees My face.

He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor.

He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth.

He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess.

My ways are not the ways of man.

I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another.

He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits.

He has never seen pain or sin.

He has never felt hunger or pain.

I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.”

I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love.

I speak as a fool, forgive me.

I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death.

I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity.

Monday, March 31, 2008

Monday Morning

Feeling Quiet
Hearing Silence

I am feeling very sad this morning.

It was hard to say good-bye to Hubby and The Prince this morning as they left for work/school because I didn’t want to be alone. It doesn’t help that it is dreary and raining this morning.

This last week, even though I’ve written about the miscarriage quite a bit, I have been in a bit of denial. My life has had a slight tinge of unreality and I am still reeling and am stunned that this happened to me again. I haven’t had a really good cry yet but feel I am on the verge of tears all the time.

Mysterious Lord of Life and Death, a very part of my own life has died in the death of my child.

My soul is weighed down with sorrow and bears the wound of a lifelong scar.

Send to me Your angel of consolation for the pain is heavy and deep.

Do not take my tears and sorrow as a sign of my unbelief that all who have died are resurrected to eternal life in You, but, rather, see in these tears a sign of my great love for my child.

As I held him in the embrace of love, may You, his Divine Parent, hold him close to Your heart forever.

Help me, Lord, for I do not seek to understand the why of this mystery of death as much as I desire to accept it in a holy way and to be healed and once again whole.

Support me, my Lord and God, and wrap me in your gentle love as I attempt to carry this bitter cross as Your Son, Jesus, carried the cross which you gave to Him.

Amen

I received this email from Silent Grief this morning and it really spoke to me.

March 31, 2008

Sometimes things happen and we doubt the very wisdom of God. We wonder "Why? Why did this happen in my life?" When grief enters our lives, we are filled with questions and we want to hear answers. But, there are times when there really are no answers - at least not answers that we can find. And, we are left asking the age-old question, "Why?"

One thing we can know for sure is that God is near, and He has not left us alone in our pain. God is watching over us day and night, and He will place a beautiful rainbow in the clouds for us to see so that we can be reminded of His love.

When you feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders, look to God, and place your burdens at His feet. You don't have to carry the pain all alone anymore. Hand it over to God, for He is your friend.

And, create pockets of time when you can rest and think thoughts of relief. When you do, hope will come knocking on the door of your heart, and carry you through!

--C. Hinton

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Acknowledgment

Feeling Quiet
Hearing Silence

After a miscarriage the doctors and/or hospital staff can be very dismissive.

Miscarriage is so common in the medical community that they become a little detached and cold.

I realize I am generalizing greatly but I have read over and over how badly a doctor or a nurse or someone in the ER made a mom who just lost a baby to miscarriage feel.

In this aspect, I have been greatly blessed with caring medical personnel. My doctor is phenomenal and the people in ultrasound and the ER at the hospital where kind, patient and sensitive to my pain.

The hospital where I had both D&C’s has a wonderful program for patients who have a miscarriage at their facility. Both times when I was in recovery there was a little note and a small quilt by my bedside.

This is the one I received after my first miscarriage.
Isn't it beautiful?



This is the one I received last week. You can't really tell from the picture but some of the fabric is sparkly. It looks amazing!




This was on the back of both quilts.

A volunteer group meets at the hospital once a month and makes these quilts. I do not know who first started this program but I think they are wonderful!

When you have a D&C (or a miscarriage in general) it is always so sad to leave the hospital empty handed.

It was such a comfort to leave the hospital (both times) with a little tangible remembrance of my lost angel.

Hubby and I talked about this a lot last night and we are going to send a thank you note and a donation for materials to this group. I know for them, making the quilts is something they do for fellowship and for fun but for us it gave a little validation to our loss.

With a miscarriage you have very little to memorialize your baby. We were lucky to have an ultrasound picture but this small gesture from the hospital gave us something else concrete.

Most importantly someone acknowledged our loss.

A Poem by Gary Winters to "Little One"

We had wanted you for so very long,
Or so it must have seemed at times.
Now we know we'll have forever,
To keep you in our minds.

On that joyful day when we learned
That you were on your way,
We opened our home and hearts,
And planned for a permanent stay.

We never saw your smile.
We never held your hand.
You never had your birthday.
How can we understand?

To hear you laugh, to dry your tear
To share your life each day
To see the wonder in your eyes
As you find your rightful way.

We're told we should forget you,
"You'll have another some day."
Don't they see the pain we feel,
Is bruised by what they say?

We never saw your smile.
We never held your hand.
You never had your birthday.
Someday we'll understand.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Saturday Evening

Feeling Quiet
Hearing Silence

One of the saddest things physically about a miscarriage is the point where you don’t “feel pregnant” anymore. This week because I was on progesterone and had a D&C I still had some of my pregnancy symptoms as all the hormones were still working their way out of my body.

When I found out I was pregnant I reveled in all the symptoms…good and bad…because of what they meant.

Today, I don’t feel any of the symptoms. It makes the whole thing more real…more final.

I had a pop with my lunch yesterday and a margarita with dinner because I could. Neither tasted any good to me. Nothing really tastes good right now…maybe I’ll lose some weight (silver lining anyone?).

I am really trying not to overly focus on anything negative right now but I have to get this out.

Not many people knew I was pregnant so I did not have to tell many people about the miscarriage. With that being said…the people who DID know obviously are very close to me. I know it is difficult to know what to say to someone who is dealing with this but there is more than one person in my life who knew about the pregnancy and has been told about the miscarriage who hasn’t said anything to me about the miscarriage. In fact they haven’t said anything to me at all period. I didn’t expect people to rush over and comfort me or anything but I did think I would get some type of acknowledgment. I didn’t tell many people about the pregnancy (for obvious reasons) and there was a lot of consideration on the people I did tell. I am really trying not to obsess on this but to say my feelings are hurt is an understatement. As I said previously, I know it is hard to know what to say to someone and I know that I am not a big sharer but not to hear anything from either of them seems strange. I know that everybody has stuff going in their lives but I thought these two people were my friends. I know that I am probably transferring some of my pain here to something else but it is really making me reevaluate some of my friendships.

I found this poem in some of my readings and it really spoke to me.

Just Those Few Weeks
Susan Erling

For those few weeks-
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time
to be changed so profoundly.

In those few weeks-
I came to know you...
and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh, what a life I had planned for you!

Just those few weeks-
When I lost you.
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams, and aspirations...
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.

Just those few weeks-
And no "normal" person would cry all night
over a tiny, unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?

You were those few weeks my little one
you darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life so much richer
and give me a small glimpse of eternity.

Saturday Morning

Feeling Quiet
Hearing Silence


I am slowly trying to get back to a normal routine.

It would be so easy to just retreat to my bed and sleep all day but that is not fair to anyone.

Hubby has been phenomenal. I am so blessed to have him. He worked from home Thursday & Friday to just be around if I needed him. He is so good at just knowing what I need and when I need it. He knows when to let me talk, when to crack a joke or when to just sit quietly with me. He baked me a carrot cake that was beyond moist and yummy. He is truly a good man.

I put a lot of personal stuff in this blog but in my real life I am a pretty private person. I have a couple of extremely close friends that know my business but I am not really a sharer and not big on displays of affection or emotion. I internalize my feelings and this makes it difficult for my friends and especially for Hubby to know how to comfort me. I almost never cry in front of anyone. I am trying to let Hubby in more but I find it very difficult.

I had to get out of the house yesterday so I went to the library and then did a little shopping. It was a sunny and warm day so it was nice to get out a bit.

Last night Hubby, The Prince and I went out to dinner~Mexican food~it was way yummy! The Prince had a really good week so he earned a Mommy sleepover. He always wants to sleep in our bed so every once in awhile we let him earn the chance. Fun for us~not so much for Hubby as he ends up on the couch!

It’s been quiet this morning. The boys are at karate and then they have to get fitted for tuxes so I am alone for the rest of the morning. I have been reading some material on grief and miscarriage I picked up yesterday and am feeling a bit weepy. I haven’t been alone in the house since the miscarriage so now I am alone with my thoughts and am a bit emotional.

I do want to thank all of you who have left comments or sent e-mails. Your kind words, thoughts and prayers bring a smile to my broken heart.

A Mother's Prayer/Affirmation After Miscarriage

In this time of loss I call upon my spirit within to guide me to my strength so that I may find peace and completion.

I will use this strength to demand of myself and others my need to grieve completely, for this will be my first step to healing.

During my time of grief I will seek guidance not only from my inner spirit but from loving persons who may offer wisdom and comfort.

I need to understand that the soul as well as the physical body needs healing and to pay attention to this. I will learn to accept that the soul may never heal completely.

I will learn to live not in fear and once again see beauty in my world and purpose in my existence.

In spite of my new knowledge that things happen that cannot be controlled, I must call upon the places within me that tell me I do have control over much of my life and use this control to aid my healing.

Let me recognize the gift in my ability to conceive and carry life however briefly.

Let me take joy in my ability to love so deeply and desire to nurture a soul unbeknownst to me.

Let me find healing in the belief that this soul knew my love for it and that that love helped it to pass to another place.

Let me honor this short life not only with my love but in finding meaning in its existence.

Let me recognize this meaning in not only my ability to survive, but in my fullest appreciation of all the moments motherhood will bring me, along with my deeper compassion and sisterhood to other women who've experienced loss.

Let a part of this soul be reflected in the spirit of my future children, born or adopted, so that I may know it through them.

I will listen to and trust the place in my deepest heart that tells me I will once again be reunited with this soul and will fulfill the need to hold it in my arms.

I will help myself to feel comfort in the knowledge that there is a star in heaven that belongs to me.

by Stacey Dinner-Levin

Friday, March 28, 2008

A little history

Feeling Quiet
Hearing Silence

When I miscarried the first time I didn’t write about it.

I had not yet started this journal.

I did start reading a few other journals at the time where the authors talked about their own miscarriages.

Those journals were a lifeline to me then as I was so lost and alone.

Those journals inspired me to start this journal over two years ago.

I have talked about my previous miscarriage in this journal but mostly in entries about our secondary infertility struggles.

This time I want to write about the miscarriage…the physical and the emotional aspects.

The writing has already started to help me in my healing process and I can only hope that maybe my words will help someone else who is going through this not feel so alone.

In my previous entries where I noted that these entries were more for my benefit than for anyone else’s what I meant was that even though I always write my entries for me these entries will be filled with some very personal information and be a bit depressing for others to read.

I have some regular readers who comment pretty faithfully but my feelings will not be hurt if you choose not to comment on these entries as I know how hard it is to know what to say to someone dealing with miscarriage.

The Physical Toll

Feeling Quiet
Hearing Silence

Most loving God, losing a child is devastating.
Comfort me in my loss.
Give me hope for children to come.
Bless me with an abundance of love that as my body heals, so too may my heart.
Give me the courage to face each new day in the confidence of your love.
In the name of Jesus Christ I pray. Amen.


Again~I am writing this more for me and a lot of this entry will have TMI for the casual reader. This entry is more about what happened to me physically. The emotional entry will be another time.

I had my annual gynecological appointment at the beginning of the month and found out that I was pregnant!!

What a happy surprise!!!

Unfortunately, I was pretty crampy right away. At first I assumed it was from the pap smear as I am always a bit tender after that. After more than three days of cramping I called the doctor who was not concerned as I did not have a fever and was not bleeding and had no other symptoms. He indicated the cramping was my body preparing for the next few months and told me to take it easy but not to stress. So I settled in and after a few days I was still cramping but not worried.

I went to the doctor the next week to do all my labs and blood work and things looked great. I was given a due date of October 29th and an appointment for a little over a week later.

After having had a miscarriage in the past there was always this little voice in the back of my head that worried about every twinge and pain but I was feeling pregnant and happy and thankful. Every night Hubby & I would thank God for giving us one more day. Hubby and I started talking about names and we were cautiously optimistic.

The only people who knew about the pregnancy in my real life were my MIL & FIL (and we only told them because my doctor didn’t think it was a good idea to take her to chemotherapy so I had to tell her so she could make other arrangements), by best friend Jen and my friend Stephanie. I also had to tell The Prince's teacher at school as well as the Principal and school secretary as I was not going to be able to volunteer in The Prince's class or be a substitute for the school. Every time I subbed in the past I picked up some bug and we didn't want to take any chances.

At the beginning of last week I was still cramping but not badly and I was okay. We had a good week.

Things took a turn for the worse on Friday afternoon. I started bleeding. I called the doctor. After describing the blood (the rest of this entry could be a little TMI for many of you) he was still not overly concerned because it was not a lot of blood and appeared to be old blood. He told me to take it easy but unless the cramping got worse or the bleeding picked up I was okay.

By 4:30 that afternoon the bleeding had increased and the color was more brightly colored so the doctor sent me to the emergency room.

At this point the terror had set in.

My symptoms and time line were almost exactly like when I miscarried the last time. They tell you that you can not compare experiences but in all practicality it is impossible not to.

They were great to me in the ER. They did more blood work and labs and then sent me to ultrasound. I was preparing myself for the worst but we saw the baby and a strong heartbeat!! After a physical exam they indicated that everything looked good and to follow up with my doctor on Monday.

I took it really easy all weekend. We canceled our family Easter dinner as I couldn’t deal with company and just wanted to be with Hubby and The Prince.

Monday morning came and Hubby and I went to see my doctor. He said things looked good especially as the ultrasound put my due date two weeks later (November 12). He said the bleeding was not as big of a deal at six weeks as it would be at 8 weeks and now that we had seen a heartbeat he was not concerned.

There was still the little voice in my head that said “We saw the heartbeat last time too!” but it was nothing I said out loud.

Hubby of course is Mr. Optimistic but I couldn’t shake that voice and the bleeding and the cramping hadn’t increased so I was thankful.

Tuesday morning the bleeding appeared to have almost stopped. I was thrilled.

Things changed mid-morning and by noon I called Hubby in tears because of the cramping. The bleeding had increased but I was not passing any tissue. I still knew this wasn’t right.

I learned after my first miscarriage that nature is very cruel. My first miscarriage happened at 14 (or 16 weeks depending on which date I used as they kept moving my due date) weeks (right after we had told The Prince about the baby!). I had bleeding on a Friday but no cramping. We went to the ER on that Saturday and they couldn’t find a heartbeat. Since I wasn’t in pain the sent me home and I went to the doctor on Monday who scheduled a D&C for me on Tuesday. But by Monday afternoon my body had other plans and I basically went into labor. I had read a lot about miscarriage and I know every experience is different but no where had I read that it was possible to have very strong labor pains to expel the baby. I found it very cruel to have to go through the same pain with no baby. I ended up in the ER that afternoon for an emergency D&C.

This time I knew the pain immediately. It makes sense now. Your body does what it is expected and the motions are going to be the same. The contractions and the pain are strong (I will say this time was not as painful as last time and last time was not as bad as labor~makes sense as the baby is not as big). The contractions come just like labor where you could time them and I felt the need to push. I expelled a small mass of tissue (or products of conception if you want to get technical) and the cramping basically stopped as did the bleeding.

I called the doctor (again) who gave me a glimmer of hope.

He was not convinced I had miscarried. He said if I had really miscarried I should still be bleeding pretty heavily and maybe I just passed a clot and that is what had been causing all the cramping and bleeding as my body was trying to get it out.

He scheduled me for an ultrasound and an appointment with him for first thing in the morning.

Hubby and I were clinging to the little bit of hope but in my heart I knew. It felt the same as last time and what my body delivered was not a blood clot. I didn’t even feel pregnant anymore but the little bit of hope was still there.

Wednesday morning the cramping started again but I was still not really bleeding. We went for the ultrasound which confirmed what I already knew.

My womb was empty and what they had seen Friday night was no longer there.

I went to my doctor’s appointment and he sent me back to the hospital for a D&C as I was cramping so badly.

I do have to say that both of my D&C’s were done at the same hospital and the hospital staff was amazing each time. They were gentle and considerate of our feelings and did everything they could to make me comfortable.

I was in a room by 2:00 and in surgery by 4:30. The D&C took about 5 minutes as I had passed most of it myself but there was quite a big clot trying to get out which was causing my pain. We were home by 7:30.

I am so grateful that the doctor went ahead and did the D&C. I was so early in pregnancy some doctors would decide to let you pass the rest naturally. My doctor gave me the choice and we chose the D&C because that gave us a finality that we needed to start the healing.

I am doing okay physically. The bleeding has been almost minimal and the cramping has been minor. I have a follow-up appointment in two weeks and we have to decide where to go from here.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Prayer

Feeling Quiet
Hearing Silence

The entries I will be posting over the next few days will be more for my benefit that for anyone else's. I am working through some things and hope to be able to do a real entry soon. Right now I am praying for peace.

O God of love, source of life, please hear my prayer.
My baby died before it ever came to birth.
The blessing of your love was torn from my body, leaving me empty and devastated.
Comfort me now in my sorrow.
Restore my hope for a child to come.
Give me courage and new delight in the days ahead.
In good time, grant me a new life that my soul may rejoice and my body give birth.
In Christ's name I pray. Amen.



Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Sad

Feeling Quiet
Hearing None

Happy news quickly turns to sad news.

Things did not work out as we had hoped.

We found out at the beginning of the month I was pregnant and yesterday I had a miscarriage.

I’m not ready to say much more about it yet.

If you are so inclined please keep us in your prayers.

I am feeling very lost right now.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Baby Fever

Feeling Quiet
Hearing Simon & Garfunkel~Homeward Bound

I have been very lucky in the MIL department. I love mine to pieces. She is awesome and kind and never has a bad word to say about anyone but lately she has been talking more about babies…specifically about me & Hubby having another baby.

She doesn’t do it to be hurtful or mean. After losing her mother and then with the cancer stuff I totally understand her desire (her need) for more grandchildren.

When babies are around she always tries to get me to hold them…”to get the juices flowing” as she says.

She talks about names.

She talks about her nieces and nephews that are expecting.

Her chemo sessions are pretty long and we end up talking a lot on the subject.

I keep telling her “I can assure you...We’re trying…A LOT!!”

I tell her “From your lips to God’s ears”

I tell her “Keep praying.”

I get it…she wants another grandchild…and I really try not to take it so hard or so personally.

The baby thing is such a delicate subject.

She knows how hard the miscarriage was but as she hasn’t lived it she doesn’t totally get it.

I was talking to her about one of my best friends who is pregnant and was pregnant the same time as her sister and how her sister recently had a miscarriage. I totally sympathized with both of them as I have been on both sides of that. Being the one pregnant and being the one who miscarried. I have talked to my friend at length about the animosity that her sister may not be able to control. My MIL thought that was horrible and said her sister couldn’t possibly feel that way. She just doesn’t understand.

In a round about way she inquired if we had thought about doing fertility treatments again.
Hubby and I have always been very quiet in our fertility efforts because they are so personal and heartbreaking and soul crushing that we lean on each other but don’t really talk about it with anyone else.

Hubby has always been very quiet about “Our” life together. It's a respect thing and he is a big believer in marriage being sacred between a husband and his wife and likes to keep our private life private…because of this no one who really know us knows the depths of the heartbreak and the emotional toll fertility treatments were on both of us.

I do not want to do that again.

I will not do that again.

All this baby talk has really been taking more of a toll on me emotionally. Every month I feel like my body has failed me and now I am feeling that I am failing her as well.

I am focusing on the positive and know that God knows what is best but the feeling of continued failure has been overwhelming.

So... I do the only thing I can do...I do what I always do…I pray.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Sharing

Feeling Happy
Hearing Silence!!

I get a weekly e-mail from SilentGrief.com and today’s entry really spoke to me and I wanted to share with you.

January 22, 2008

Are you afraid right now? Does your heart feel heavy and broken? Do you feel like you've lost your very best friend and you have no one who truly understands you? Do not spend anxious moments worrying and being afraid to face each new day. If you stop and get very quiet and still you will feel the very presence of God within you.

As you come to those dark places in your life, just reach out for the hand of the Shepherd, and He will take you under His wing and give you protection and help during the storm.

God promises to take care of your soul and to give you replenishment. He said He will take you to a cool, sheltered place where you can rest. And, no matter how steep the hill or the mountain, you never have to climb it alone.

Hope is believing in what you cannot see and trusting when all else tells you to stop. You have a Shepherd, and He will never, ever leave you. Rest in the arms of your Father and your soul will find nourishment.

You will gather strength from everyday things..a smile, a warm hello, thoughts from friends and loved ones. God is near, and hope is alive. You will make it! --C. Hinton

"Rely on hope because it will keep you steady and strong during the storms of life." --Clara Hinton

"The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want." Psalm 23:1