Saturday, March 29, 2008

Saturday Evening

Feeling Quiet
Hearing Silence

One of the saddest things physically about a miscarriage is the point where you don’t “feel pregnant” anymore. This week because I was on progesterone and had a D&C I still had some of my pregnancy symptoms as all the hormones were still working their way out of my body.

When I found out I was pregnant I reveled in all the symptoms…good and bad…because of what they meant.

Today, I don’t feel any of the symptoms. It makes the whole thing more real…more final.

I had a pop with my lunch yesterday and a margarita with dinner because I could. Neither tasted any good to me. Nothing really tastes good right now…maybe I’ll lose some weight (silver lining anyone?).

I am really trying not to overly focus on anything negative right now but I have to get this out.

Not many people knew I was pregnant so I did not have to tell many people about the miscarriage. With that being said…the people who DID know obviously are very close to me. I know it is difficult to know what to say to someone who is dealing with this but there is more than one person in my life who knew about the pregnancy and has been told about the miscarriage who hasn’t said anything to me about the miscarriage. In fact they haven’t said anything to me at all period. I didn’t expect people to rush over and comfort me or anything but I did think I would get some type of acknowledgment. I didn’t tell many people about the pregnancy (for obvious reasons) and there was a lot of consideration on the people I did tell. I am really trying not to obsess on this but to say my feelings are hurt is an understatement. As I said previously, I know it is hard to know what to say to someone and I know that I am not a big sharer but not to hear anything from either of them seems strange. I know that everybody has stuff going in their lives but I thought these two people were my friends. I know that I am probably transferring some of my pain here to something else but it is really making me reevaluate some of my friendships.

I found this poem in some of my readings and it really spoke to me.

Just Those Few Weeks
Susan Erling

For those few weeks-
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time
to be changed so profoundly.

In those few weeks-
I came to know you...
and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh, what a life I had planned for you!

Just those few weeks-
When I lost you.
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams, and aspirations...
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.

Just those few weeks-
And no "normal" person would cry all night
over a tiny, unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?

You were those few weeks my little one
you darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life so much richer
and give me a small glimpse of eternity.