Thursday, August 16, 2007

Pity Party

Feeling Sad
Hearing Wayne Watson~Watercolor Ponies

This is a bit of downer entry for me…you have been warned.

I have not had one of the best days ever.

Hubby is out of town for the day which always worries me. It’s just a day trip but still I worry.

I have been feeling a bit down lately about a lot of things and I called one of my best friends today to chat and she tells me she is pregnant. I started crying immediately. It took everything I had to congratulate her and to not let her know I was crying. We talked for a few minutes and I got off the phone as quickly as I could without being a total bitch.

I cried all afternoon.

I want so badly to be happy for her but am really struggling. I am sure it was extremely hard for her to tell me and I have plenty of time to get used to the idea but I am afraid for our friendship. Things have already changed between us because she moved to Colorado. Friendship can be harder long distance and I think our friendship is changing and not for the better. We do not talk nearly as much as we used to and when we do talk we do not have as much to talk about. The lack of things to talk about has happened with quite a few of my friends lately and I know it’s because I stay home now and just don’t have as much to talk about. I am okay with that but with really close friends you should always have something to talk about right? Now with her pregnancy I know I am going to harbor a tiny bit of resentment, animosity, jealousy and bitterness and am afraid this may impact what is left of our friendship. I am happy for her and it is not her fault we haven’t had another baby but I am afraid that my tiny little heartbreak will now forever be between us.

I have been feeling a little sorry for myself lately because of the friendship thing. I do not have any friends that stay home. All my friends work. I knew once I quit my job to become a SAHM my friendships would change but I am still sad at how they’ve changed. At least when I worked I could steal away for breaks and lunches with my friends but now that I am home it has become harder and harder to schedule things and I have more time to think about the time I am no longer spending with my friends. I am really bad at making new friends and I really wish I could easily meet some. Why can’t someone come up to me and say “Hi, wanna be friends?”

To top it all off I haven’t been sleeping very well lately and have been feeling very anxious. I think this is mostly because I will be turning 35 next week. This bothers me way more than I’d like to admit. I totally wigged when I turned 30. I was a bit upset at 34 but I am coming a bit unhinged about 35! I know the whole age is only a number and allthat and it is totally silly to stress about something you can't change or control. 35 has just been harder on me emotionally. I definitely do not feel 35 (does anyone ever really feel their age?)! 35 is also a dreaded milestone if I were to get pregnant (higher risk of all kinds of scary crap) as well as lowering my probability of even getting pregnant.

At this point I am trying “Just To Be”.

I have a great life.

I have a wonderful husband and fabulous son.

As for all the other bs...It is what it is.

I can’t change the situation. I can just try and change how I feel about it.

I do believe God will guide my path and everything else is just noise right?

I have been reading and reading this Bible verse over and over again lately.

“Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.”

This verse really speaks to me.

It says to me that God hears my every prayer and that if I wait and trust in Him He will answer my prayers in His own time and in His own way.

What more could I ask for?

He knows my wildest hopes and darkest fears.

He knows what is in that quiet, secret place in my heart and what the perfect answer is to my prayers and what is truly best for me.

I just wish He'd hurry up!