tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3022993235681694752023-11-16T07:10:28.665-06:00My Monthly HeartbreakUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger46125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302299323568169475.post-2334912095530302592011-07-13T10:13:00.003-05:002011-07-13T10:45:55.508-05:00The end...Feeling Content<br />Hearing Tiny Baby Snores<br /><br />It is time to move on from here.<br /><br />I am no longer enduring my monthly heartbreak.<br /><br />Miraculously this time last year I found out I was pregnant. The Crown Prince had just turned 10 and I was almost 38 and I was pregnant!!!<br /><br />Pregnancy was awful. I worried and stressed and stressed and worried the whole pregnancy. I had every pregnancy malady in the book. I so wanted to enjoy being pregnant (as I knew it would be my last pregnancy) but it was not happening.<br /><br />On February 25 I gave birth to sweet Harper Katherine! She is adored and loved beyond measure in our home.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicTHRzlyMmppTpcK2i06CSj2_hYQI1LE4m7Fa042qrpJU-Uc9AyGpCGiSQMpmaJfNHLFyPe-umEKGao16unuMSOk2MvjuvS7JOFvV8wfFyNDVEfyF5AeJfHSgjHiaTw4r6iFnhywDZGFjV/s1600/2011-02-25_18-02-28_854.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 181px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicTHRzlyMmppTpcK2i06CSj2_hYQI1LE4m7Fa042qrpJU-Uc9AyGpCGiSQMpmaJfNHLFyPe-umEKGao16unuMSOk2MvjuvS7JOFvV8wfFyNDVEfyF5AeJfHSgjHiaTw4r6iFnhywDZGFjV/s320/2011-02-25_18-02-28_854.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5628860692817521138" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjS5juLZl85u5hZJhYaZfeleKjR9cr7jlqDtsuYIsknR8H9lvjmC3jC27NmctrTxicN9ZwdS4Ozmxqtnpvv8-x3ZhZdZ4ywcr98a6tdmgxCDVov4qFJ5bPhTj2dRa4SjoqNaE2hOZOx-Oyn/s1600/IMG_0016.JPG"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjS5juLZl85u5hZJhYaZfeleKjR9cr7jlqDtsuYIsknR8H9lvjmC3jC27NmctrTxicN9ZwdS4Ozmxqtnpvv8-x3ZhZdZ4ywcr98a6tdmgxCDVov4qFJ5bPhTj2dRa4SjoqNaE2hOZOx-Oyn/s320/IMG_0016.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5628860698473954066" border="0" /></a><br /><br />I still grieve for the babies we will never know but rejoice in this sweet girl every day!<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgt0zKVhthWdYl9jHWirVvuBYbOVLyvzYqgV41rYLJ1w5coCzMrqe-AvS26EY-BXoIp4AqP5_-w5xaiXeeNVXz72Bqq6IRv4Rl1KWehFgxClnTrtcXdUN9-8QCcgM5Y7id1W8SsLJoPGl1I/s1600/2011-07-06_16-48-54_209+%25283%2529.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 191px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgt0zKVhthWdYl9jHWirVvuBYbOVLyvzYqgV41rYLJ1w5coCzMrqe-AvS26EY-BXoIp4AqP5_-w5xaiXeeNVXz72Bqq6IRv4Rl1KWehFgxClnTrtcXdUN9-8QCcgM5Y7id1W8SsLJoPGl1I/s320/2011-07-06_16-48-54_209+%25283%2529.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5628860704445176098" border="0" /></a><br /><br />I am still blogging a bit...I am on Tumblr now...find me <a href="http://gillietime.tumblr.com/">HERE</a>!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302299323568169475.post-52053951598801099782010-03-25T10:23:00.003-05:002010-03-25T10:32:21.768-05:00Just Another Day...Feeling Conflicted<br />Hearing Silence<br /><br />My heart just aches today and I am feeling very alone. I do this to myself. I don't tell anyone how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking.<br /><br />Two years ago I had a miscarriage. So two years & one day ago I was still hopeful. Two years & one day ago I had the most delicious secret. Two years and one day ago I was still pregnant and happy and feeling blessed.<br /><br />I have been beyond obsessed with wanting to have a baby the last few days. For the most part I really don't think about it anymore. I have a great life and am happy with what I have. <br /><br />But...<br /><br />In my most secret dreams...I dream of having another baby. I am really not hopeful about having a another baby anymore. It is just a little wish locked deep in my most secret thoughts.<br /><br />So today I am sad. Sad for the babies I've lost and for the babies that never will be. <br /><br />I am sad but I am also dreaming... dreaming of sweet baby cheeks, baby sighs and delightful baby breath.<br /><br />Sad but dreaming...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302299323568169475.post-31407035064750376592010-01-05T21:32:00.003-06:002010-01-05T21:37:21.874-06:00What a difference a day makes...Feeling Blessed<br />Hearing Silence<br /><br />What a difference a day makes! <br /><br />After all the heavy heartfelt discussions and big decisions of the past weekend...things looked different to Hubby and me yesterday.<br /><br />We decided we would hold off on changing anything on our insurance policies or on his person :) for another year. <br /><br />I do not think either of us was really ready to shelve the baby topic permanently yet (and I do not think he was really ready to make any permanent physical adjustments)!<br /><br />I am praying for God's continued guidance and wisdom and keeping my fingers crossed (but not my legs...tee hee)!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302299323568169475.post-54846623847849752652010-01-03T12:27:00.003-06:002010-01-03T12:42:16.495-06:00Big DecisionsFeeling Sad<br />Hearing Silence<br /><br />Hubby and I have had to make some big decisions lately and we made the biggest one today.<br /><br />With the rising costs of health insurance and the fact that we are self insured we have decided to drop the maternity coverage on our policy. Hubby has also decided to undergo the big V!! The chances are slim that we could even get pregnant but it seems to be the responsible thing to do.<br /><br />It is almost bittersweet that we made this final decision today. Today was my due date four years ago. We should be celebrating a four year old's birthday and instead we are deciding and celebrating that our family is perfect as is.<br /><br />I was so devastated four years ago.<br /><br />I had no idea how I would live through the heartache and despair.<br /><br />I had no idea what was in store for me.<br /><br />I had no idea that I would face the death of a loved one, cancer in another loved one and a second miscarriage.<br /><br />I faced all of that and survived it. <br /><br />I think Hubby & I were able to make this difficult decision because of what we have been through together the last few years. I also think all of this has made us a much closer family unit.<br /><br />This decision wasn't easy and I am sure I will second guess myself more than once over the next few months but I am happy we made the decision together.<br /><br />Moving past the "What if?" has been difficult and I am sure it will continue to be difficult BUT I can also delight in the fact that our "What is" is actually pretty fantastic!!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302299323568169475.post-47776736917168726762009-08-03T20:16:00.003-05:002009-08-03T20:19:58.980-05:00WishFeeling Envy<br />Hearing The Prince piano practice<br /><br />I held a baby today...<br /><br />A beautiful, happy, squishy, healthy, fat baby.<br /><br />I held a baby today...<br /><br />And oh how I wish he was mine.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302299323568169475.post-90800402089086013762009-03-12T19:36:00.006-05:002009-03-12T19:49:59.223-05:00So much for being okayFeeling Heartache<br />Hearing The Prince in the tub<br /><br />I just spent the longest meal of my life staring at the most beautiful baby. Tonight was a PTO family night at one of the local restaurants. We always try to go to these nights to support the school, to help our PTO and to support our local restaurants.<br /><br />So...being a PTO event there were a lot of the PTO moms there. Including <a style="color: rgb(102, 204, 204);" href="http://mymonthlyheartbreak.blogspot.com/2008/10/bitter-much.html">her</a> with her beautiful baby boy. I could not take my eyes away from him. I hope she didn't notice me coveting her baby. I tried to look away but I found my eyes were drawn to him over and over again. I don't see this mom very much at school anymore. That is a good thing. She will always be a sort of reminder of what I so very much wanted. A reminder of a lost dream and a broken heart.<br /><br />I looked at my family during the meal and found myself lost in how different things could be right now if I hadn't lost that baby. I'd have an almost six month old as well as The Prince. My life would be such a different life that I can't even really imagine it anymore.<br /><br />My heart still aches for that life. I can't escape that ache.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302299323568169475.post-5595927546184958432009-03-09T13:36:00.003-05:002009-03-09T17:00:00.581-05:00What is...Feeling Reflective<br />Hearing Silence<br /><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">It is hard to believe that this time last year I was carrying the most wonderful secret of being pregnant. <br /><br />I was so happy yet terrified at the same time. <br /><br />I can't believe it's been almost a year since I lost that baby. <br /><br />It is so true that time does heal. There were times last year that I really didn't think I was ever going to be okay with it. <br /><br />But I am. In the last few months I have yet again found a peace and an acceptance with it. <br /><br />I still long to hold the babies I have lost but I am okay with not having another baby. <br /><br />With the new year this year I made a recommitment to my family...my family as it is now. I had to finally give up the idea of the family I had dreamed of and in doing so I realized how content I was with the family I have. Three is a magic number. I truly am beyond blessed. I know this in my heart and know that God's plan for me and my family is better than any plan I could ever dream of. <br /><br />Knowing this does not take away the fact that I am sure there will be bad days. Days where I ache for the babies I lost and though I know they are dancing in heaven it does not make me wish any less that I had had a moment to hold each of them here on earth. <br /><br />We have decided not to do any addtional fertility treatments. We aren't necessarily trying to get pregnant but we aren't doing anything to prevent it. </span><br /><br />I have moved on from the "What if?" and am living in the "What is."Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302299323568169475.post-72832409861391335642009-01-03T10:45:00.002-06:002009-01-03T10:53:53.678-06:00ReflectionFeeling Blue<br />Hearing Silence<br /><br />Hubby & The Prince are out and about and I am alone this morning. <br /><br />Alone with my thoughts. <br /><br />Today was my due date three years ago. <br /><br />I should have a three year old birthday party to get ready for. I should be stressed and tearing my hair out to have a party so soon after Christmas and with a fairly newborn baby in the mix.<br /><br />Though I am feeling a bit lost in "what might have been" thoughts I am nonetheless feeling very happy. <br /><br />It's a new year with new hope. <br /><br />I am not sure what to hope and pray for now. <br /><br />As I (and The Prince) get older the practicality of another baby diminishes. My life as it is now holds great joy and comfort and I start to get fearful of "overturning the applecart" so to speak. <br /><br />So I leave it as an open ended prayer and wish for the year...<br /><br />I hope and pray 2009 brings joy and happiness and growth like I could never imagine for myself and my family.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302299323568169475.post-29674727871856583342008-12-03T16:30:00.004-06:002008-12-03T16:44:58.184-06:00Out of the blueFeeling Reflective<br />Hearing Rick Springfield~The First Noel<br /><br />Thanksgiving was interesting. I was in the shower after a mad cleaning session before our company showed up and I had a very vivid memory. When I first found out my due date the first thing Hubby & I laughed about was how thankful we would be this Thanksgiving. I daydreamed a bit about the baby that should be here with us. I was sad but am starting not to crumble whenever my mind wanders like that.<br /><br />Until this morning...<br /><br />I had a dentist appointment first thing this morning. I was in the chair waiting for the hygienist and when she walked in the first thing she asked all excitedly "So, did you have a boy or a girl??" Talk about out of the blue. I gasped and answered quietly "Neither." She was mortified and didn't know what to say (outside of a quick "I'm sorry") so I quickly started babbling about the snow and the drive in to the office to change the subject and make her feel better. Again, my mind wandered to my last appointment and how excited I was about the baby. I didn't have x-rays done and had scheduled my next appointment for after my due date. My heart beat quickly through the whole appointment. It took all I had to keep it together in the appointment but I managed not to break down in tears.<br /><br />The first few months after the miscarriage there were quite a few of these incidents...but I kinda always knew to expect them. I can't think of anyone else who knew I was pregnant that I have not seen since the miscarriage. I sure hope this is the last one.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302299323568169475.post-78993479127675336062008-11-14T07:59:00.006-06:002008-11-14T08:46:07.504-06:00Seriously?Feeling Quiet<br />Hearing The dishwasher<br /><br />I've been somewhat able to move on lately. My mind has not been as obsessed with babies since my due date has past. I was feeling pretty good.<br /><br />Then last night I heard that Hubby's cousin is pregnant...AGAIN. This is her fourth in less than four years.<br /><br />Seriously?!?<br /><br />I was stunned. She just had a baby at the end of June. I am a little bitter. Unfortunately, in my heart her life is a little entangled in my miscarriage past. I was pregnant at her baby shower in July 3 years ago. I soon miscarried after that. Since that first miscarriage she has had THREE babies while I have had two miscarriages and now she is pregnant again. WTH?? It so brings back the chorus of "What about me????"<br /><br />Realistically it's not like I'm jealous of that situation. I would in no way want four babies under the age of four. It just stings a little and totally makes my heart hurt!<br /><br />I am sure my MIL will be feeling it as well. Her brother is the grandfather to all these babies and he has gone from no grandchildren to what will be 7 in less than 4 years. That family has three boys and one girl and all the boys are married and have just started popping out babies. The daughter is getting married in the spring so I am sure she'll be pregnant soon after. They are a fertile bunch. :) Poor Mar...she has only the one and is desperate for more grandchildren.<br /><br />I did not sleep well (partly becasue Hubby is gone but also because I could not shut my mind off). and then when I finally fell asleep...I dreamt of babies. I can't escape it.<br /><br />This feels like such a pity party and I don't want to feel this way. It's totally random how any news of what is going on with her totally knocks me for a loop.<br /><br />I so need to go drink the kool-aid at their house!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302299323568169475.post-51087726712297811372008-10-29T07:32:00.003-05:002008-10-29T07:56:55.195-05:00So hardFeeling Sad<br />Hearing Quiet<br /><br />Well...here it is. My due date.<br /><br />I am not sure what I expected to feel today but I did not expect it to feel like this.<br /><br />I am feeling totally decimated...almost like this loss is happening all over again.<br /><br />I kind of already knew that my real healing could not start until after my due date.<br /><br />I no longer need to look at every pregnant women and wonder how pregnant she is for a comparison. Each week ticking by will no longer mean the same thing. I now have a totally different set of dates...the what if dates.<br /><br />I have had this experience before. I don't know if it is because I am alone today that it feels harder than last time.<br /><br />I sit here and cry and pray and cry and pray.<br /><br />I knew this date would be hard. I just did not expect it to be this hard.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302299323568169475.post-34709388655905365652008-10-16T08:27:00.003-05:002008-10-16T08:52:36.185-05:00Bitter much?Feeling Sad<br />Hearing The Today Show<br /><br />I am feeling very emotional this morning.<br /><br />I am not sure what triggered it but I am very weepy.<br /><br />The bitterness has been creeping in a bit this month. <br /><br />Not entirely unexpected...I should be over 38 weeks right now. <br /><br />I should be miserably huge right now. I should be bitching about being pregnant and how I can't wait to get this baby out of me. I should be counting down the minutes until I meet a precious new life.<br /><br />Instead I am still trying to get pregnant. I went to the doctor earlier this month to "reregulate" my cycle. I feel like we are starting over. I feel like we are running out of time. I am so mad about it!<br /><br />I see a woman I am in the PTO with everyday walking up to school to pick up her kids. She is WAY pregnant and has what should be MY due date. I was talking to her and another mother last week and she was complaining about all her symptoms. I had to excuse myself. I could not hear another word. Around most pregnant people I am fine but for some reason I am extremely resentful towards this woman. There is no rhyme or reason (except the due date thing). It makes me feel like such a horrible person.<br /><br />I am crying and praying this morning. <br /><br />Praying for peace to settle in my heart.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302299323568169475.post-58629137561689389502008-10-14T09:17:00.004-05:002008-10-16T08:52:04.421-05:00D@mn Lisa Marie PresleyFeeling Quiet<br />Hearing Nada<br /><br />Lisa Marie Presley announced the names of her twin girls today (Harper & Finley). How in the world did she pick both of MY girl names? I know it is crazy how possessive I feel about these names but I can't help it!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302299323568169475.post-49324815479881561212008-10-07T22:23:00.009-05:002008-10-16T08:51:48.450-05:00My Monthly HeartbreakFeeling Quiet<br />Hearing Football on tv<br /><br />I have another blog (<a href="http://gillietime.blogspot.com/"></a> <a href="http://gillietime.blogspot.com/">Gillie Time</a> ) and have from time to time touched on my desire to have another child and all the heartbreak that goes with it.<br /><br />The main focus of that blog is my need to share the joy that is my life. :) There have been times that I have started to write something in respect to the baby fever and stopped myself because I did not feel that Gillie Time was the appropriate forum for those "rants".<br /><br />I have copied all my "infertility" and "miscarriage" entries from Gillie Time to this blog and will use this blog to talk about that aspect of my life.<br /><br />So here it is...the dirty and ugly side of me...My Monthly Heartbreak.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302299323568169475.post-85732033307660932682008-06-17T10:20:00.003-05:002008-10-16T08:51:33.961-05:00Milestones<span id="friendly" style="float: left;"><b></b></span>Feeling Jealous<br />Hearing Rich Mullins~Hold Me Jesus <br /> <br />Pregnancy is a celebration of dates.<br /><br />Every week and every month mean big happy changes.<br /><br />After a miscarriage those same celebrations become silent markers of what might have been.<br /><br />I would be over five months pregnant now.<br /><br />I would be nice and round and getting fat!<br /><br />I would be thinking about decorating the nursery instead of obsessing about my bathroom and new closet.<br /><br />These markers tick by every month until what would have been my due date.<br /><br />Then there are the two "anniversaries" that are never forgotten.<br /><br />Due Date and Miscarriage Date.<br /><br />Both dates are forever written on my heart.<br /><br />This week is three years since my first miscarriage.<br /><br />It is hard to believe that had that not happened I would have a two and a half year old right now!<br /><br />I truly believe things happen the way they are supposed to but it does not stop me from questioning God and asking Why? Why? Why?<br /><br />I am really working on being happy and content with my life.<br /><br />Most days I am.<br /><br />I have moved on somewhat.<br /><br />I put all the grieving and miscarriage books away (I may need to get them back out though).<br /><br />I try and focus on being present and engaged in my life right now…but some days it is harder than others.<br /><br />I spent a lot of time on the phone with my MIL yesterday. She was very upset about something and I was letting her vent. I am glad we have such a good relationship (especially because I do not have one with my own mother) and that I can be there for her but it is easy to get sucked into the negativity. She shared a lot of stuff (good and bad) and was on quite a rant. I listened. I soothed. I tried to help her as best I knew how and when I got off the phone with her last night I was in a funk.<br /><br />I talked to Hubby a bit about it but I didn’t want to detail too much of the drama with him because MIL was venting to me because she doesn’t want her boys involved (they get pretty protective and try to jump in and fix things and with this issue there is nothing that can be changed~she just needed to vent).<br /><br />I haven’t necessarily been in the best place this last week anyway.<br /><br />Yesterday a friend called to tell me she was pregnant.<br /><br />This morning I saw another friend who is pregnant and has my same due date. It was really hard to see her and be happy for her. It was hard to actually SEE how pregnant I should be right now! I was so jealous I could just spit!<br /><br />I am sitting here at Grammy's house. It is empty and I am waiting for the bank appraiser to show for the sale. It is so sad to be in the house now but it is the perfect place to sit and cry.<br /><br />My heart just hurts today. It hurts for me but it hurts for my MIL as well. She has been through so much in the last year and I think now with the wedding over and her mother's house being sold all the sh*t is coming to a culmination and the grief is really settling in.<br /><br />It is what it is and I can’t change the situation but I still wish I could. I know God knows best but today I am praying for a wisdom and peace.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302299323568169475.post-26477423206170907342008-05-26T10:01:00.004-05:002008-10-16T08:51:11.112-05:00Quiet Monday Morning<span id="friendly" style="float: left;"><b></b></span><span style="font-size:100%;">Feeling Quiet<br />Hearing Silence <br /><br />I’m still here…just not wanting to write much.<br /><br />It’s been a busy few weeks for us and I will post a great big picture filled entry soon but I wasn’t feeling like that is the post I am supposed to write today. On this Memorial Day this entry is what has poured out of me...<br /><br />My days have been filled with activities and fun but the sorrow is still there lying in wait…grabbing me unaware and still capable of taking my breath away, bringing me to my knees and making my heart feel like it has broken anew. There are times I feel like I am in a bottomless well of sadness and I can’t get out.<br /><br />Most days are good days.<br /><br />I am able to focus on all of the great things in my life. I count my blessings but in doing so it sometimes makes it worse. In the celebration of all the wonderful things I already have in my life mainly the wonderful child I was already given it makes the pain of not having other children more real. I have a child yet still covet others. <br /><br />I have read in more than one place that having a miscarriage is like losing a dream and this is real on so many levels. The most glaring part is when you have a miscarriage all you really have left to mourn is the dream of the life you would have had with your baby. To lose a child before birth is to lose a dream, a hope, and for me I lost a part of myself each time. I am mourning a dream~a vision of what might have been~a dream of the life I thought I’d have. My babies were loved from the moment I first dreamt them. <br /><br />My BFF Jen sent me a journal link yesterday about a woman who lost her baby shortly after birth.<br /><br /><a href="http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/">Bring The Rain</a><br /></span><span style="font-size:78%;"><a style="font-family: georgia;" href="http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/"></a></span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">I was not having a good day yesterday and started to read it and couldn’t. It was too painful. Last night I tried again and read her whole journal. Her faith in God is what made Jen send it to me.<br /><br />Her faith in God is what I want for myself.<br /><br />I want to trust that everything is going to be just as it should be. I want to feel that I have a true relationship with God. I want to talk to him and feel that he is listening to me. I want to hear his voice in my everyday life. I don’t feel that way right now and that is perhaps the most heartbreaking thing for me about all of this. I have not lost my faith but I somehow feel I am not enough. I pray but often feel my prayers aren’t good enough. Why don’t I feel the hand of God guiding me? I don’t feel his presence in my life and I am lost.<br /><br />Words that are not my own but so capture what I am feeling today.<br /><br />In the Face of Fertility Challenges <br /><br />Lord, help me to know that You are enough.<br />Take my eyes off of myself.<br />Take my eyes off of the child I desire.<br />Help me to delight myself in You.<br />Mold the desires of my heart to be in line with Your will.<br />I don't want to need to be a mother more than I need to be your humble, obedient child.<br />I don't want wanting to have a baby to be a stumbling block between You and me anymore.<br /><br />Lord, I want to give this desire, this drive, this ache up to You.<br />Help me not to snatch it back as I so often do with the burdens I place in Your hands.<br />Help me to be truly content with Your will and Your timing.<br />Lord, You know that I still desire a baby - someone to mold, teach, train, shape, guide, and help to grow in You.<br />But until the day You give me that joyous blessing, help me to grow in You. Let me reach out to those around me.<br />Let me witness and minister to the children You place in my path.<br /><br />Lord, if adoption is the path You would have us take, prepare our hearts, and prepare the child who will share our home.<br />If adoption is not Your will for our lives, keep me from pushing ahead of Your plan.<br />Help me to stay submitted to my husband's will, and to Your will.<br />If we are headed in the wrong direction, change our hearts.<br /><br />Thank You for lifting my burden.<br />Help me to keep You first!<br />Let me seek Your face daily, and let me know that You are enough! <br /><br />--Jennifer Saake</span> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:130%;"><i style=""><span style=";font-family:";color:blue;" ></span></i><span style=";font-family:";font-size:14;color:blue;" ></span></span></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302299323568169475.post-27163001054584598712008-05-10T09:55:00.001-05:002008-10-16T08:51:24.097-05:00The Results<span id="friendly" style="float: left;"></span>Feeling Happy <br />Hearing Weezer~Pork and Beans <br /><br />I got all my test results back and they didn’t find anything.<br /><br />I guess that is good news…obviously you don’t want anything to be wrong with you but on the other hand if they did find something then maybe we could figure out why I miscarried.<br /><br />Oh well…it is what it is!! <span style=";font-family:Garamond;font-size:14;color:red;" ><span style=""></span></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302299323568169475.post-48378455887857700442008-04-15T10:06:00.003-05:002009-07-29T19:13:04.083-05:00Tuesday MorningFeeling Sad<br />Hearing Silence <br /> <br />Things have been busy here and are back to normal schedule wise. I am still a bit of an emotional mess but I am good at faking it.<br /><br />I feel like I am in recovery…it’s a take it one day at a time kind of thing. Each day brings a fresh perspective. I don’t know if I am gonna have a good day or a bad day but at least I am gonna have a day.<br /><br />Everything is still very jumbled…my days are kind of running together. I still have a tightness in my chest and a heaviness in my heart.<br /><br />I have been able to cry and I cry a lot. I cry in the car. I cry at night. I cry at commercials and movies and books.<br /><br />My nerves are raw and I feel exposed all the time. It is a very unnerving feeling.<br /><br />It is also pretty difficult as it has been three weeks since the miscarriage and by now most people have forgotten it and assume I am okay and have moved on. <br /><br />Obviously I have not moved on.<br /><br />The shock of everything has finally worn off and now I am sad and angry. Sad for what we’ve lost as a family and angry at the unfairness of the loss of what might have been.<br /><br />I am just trying to heal my broken heart.<p class="MsoNormal"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRRVSJ1tRxI7NmjkOEod69ECeZJGbQdyFVJP2R94l4wHNPI144hsArj1mGNgeX4uoTM9XItY3iO36NtKNhyfzvU-qI6j-w1VfUUUPH1E_LQ8hyumzQKkiEmV25ErMeenlp9ISaxRdPJz1T/s1600-h/1.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRRVSJ1tRxI7NmjkOEod69ECeZJGbQdyFVJP2R94l4wHNPI144hsArj1mGNgeX4uoTM9XItY3iO36NtKNhyfzvU-qI6j-w1VfUUUPH1E_LQ8hyumzQKkiEmV25ErMeenlp9ISaxRdPJz1T/s320/1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5254422236164004914" border="0" /></a><span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);font-family:Cambria;font-size:14;" ><span style=""> </span><span style=""></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><i style=""><span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);font-family:Cambria;font-size:14;" ></span></i></p>Prayer After Miscarriage or Stillbirth<br />By Sandy Eisenberg Sasso <br /><br />God, we are weary and grieved.<br />We were anticipating the birth of a child, but the promise of life was ended too soon.<br />Our arms yearned to cradle new life, our mouths to sing soft lullabies.<br />Our hearts ache from the emptiness and the silence.<br />We are saddened and we are angry.<br />We weep and we mourn.<br />Weep with us, God, Creator of Life, for the life that could not be.<br />Source of healing, help us to find healing among those who care for us and those for whom we care.<br />Shelter us under wings of love and help us to stand up again for life even as we mourn our loss.<p class="MsoNormal"><i style=""><span style="color: rgb(255, 153, 0);font-family:Cambria;font-size:14;" ></span></i></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302299323568169475.post-56335630011588043342008-04-07T20:14:00.002-05:002008-10-16T08:50:59.549-05:00To test or not to test<span id="friendly" style="float: left;"><b></b></span>Feeling Anxious<br />Hearing Days Of Our Lives <br /> <br />To test or not to test…what a big question.<br /><br />I had my follow-up appointment this morning. It went very well.<br /><br />The doctor was able to answer some of our questions but of course not the BIG question~WHY?<br /><br />Then we got to the testing question. Most doctors want you to wait until you have three miscarriages before they start talking about testing but my doctor gives you the choice after two miscarriages.<br /><br />He did indicate that the chance that I would miscarry three times in a row is still pretty minimal. Of course I am thinking that the chance I would miscarry a second time was less than 5% and that didn’t exactly work out. The chance of miscarriage after hearing the heartbeat and in the second trimester is approximately 1 to 5% & I hit that one too!<br /><br />Hubby and I had discussed the testing and neither of us was ready to do anything overly invasive at this point. We did quite a bit of testing in our infertility workup but that was 10 years ago.<br /><br />After talking to the doctor we all decided we would do the recurrent miscarriage blood workup and go from there. The workup tests for a bunch of different things (thyroid, autoimmune disorders, etc.). It basically helps to rule out a bunch of things.<br /><br />He sent me over to the hospital to get my blood drawn and then decided to schedule me for a mammogram (to get a baseline due to family history) at the same time. Aren’t I lucky!?!<br /><br />Hubby and I went to lunch so I could hydrate myself before giving blood. I am a very bad stick but know if I am hydrated it is a bit easier.<br /><br />Thank goodness I thought ahead…they took FOURTEEN vials of blood!!! Apparently every test the do needs its own vial of blood! It took forever and my arm aches right now! The mammogram wasn’t too bad~not pleasant but it went fairly fast.<br /><br />I should have my results next week from all testing. Fingers crossed…except I am not sure what to hope for…to find something that is the cause of my miscarriages or to not find anything.<span style="color: rgb(51, 153, 102);font-family:Cambria;font-size:14;" ></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302299323568169475.post-38763154702381367552008-04-04T15:41:00.002-05:002008-10-16T08:50:39.701-05:00The Prince on babies<span id="friendly" style="float: left;"><b></b></span>Feeling Quiet <br />Hearing Something on the Bluegrass music channel (The Prince's pick) <br /> <br />My friend Michelle had her baby today.<br /><br />Surprisingly it did not make me too sad.<br /><br />The Prince on the other hand is another story.<br /><br />I showed him the pictures and he was quiet for a long while.<br /><br />Then he softly asked me “Mom, has our chance to have another baby passed?”<br /><br />I told him that I didn’t know.<br /><br />“Doesn’t God think we would be good to a baby?”<br /><br />I paused to think about what to say but then told him that God has a plan for each of us and sometimes even when we really want something badly God knows a reason why we shouldn’t have it. We just have to be patient and wait to see what God has in store for us.<br /><br />He broke my already broken heart.<br /><br />That is until he said “Maybe, it’s a good thing we don’t have a baby. If we had a baby, you guys wouldn’t be able to pay as much attention to ME! I really LOVE being the center of attention!!”<br /><br />Center of attention~I thought that was MOI!! I told him he was probably right, that babies do take up a lot of time but if we did have another baby we would still make special time just for him.<br /><br />Then he said “I don’t think I want a baby. I would like a little brother that is close to my age but a baby wouldn’t be close to my age. Besides, babies are noisy and cry and eat a lot. I would have to be quiet all the time and I wouldn’t be able to leave my toys out everywhere because the baby might choke on them. I have friends at school who complain about how much their little brothers bug them all the time. I just don't need all that STRESS!!”<br /><br />Stress...LOL!! He's 8 and worried about stress! We talked for a few minutes about the way a baby changes everything.<br /><br />He went back to playing with his toys and I heard him quietly say to himself “It sure would be nice to have a baby though.”<br /><br />From his lips to God's ears.<p class="MsoNormal"><i style=""><span style=";font-family:Cambria;font-size:14;color:blue;" ></span></i></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302299323568169475.post-91246187844859550812008-04-04T09:12:00.012-05:002009-07-29T19:33:26.278-05:00Friday MorningFeeling Quiet<br />Hearing Silence <br /><br /><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 0);font-family:Cambria;font-size:16;" ></span></p>On a day to day (or hour to hour) basis I think I am doing okay.<br /><br />I still feel on the verge of tears almost all the time but just can’t seem to let it all out.<br /><br />I am trying to make myself leave the house every day so I am not all cocooned in the bedroom.<br /><br />On Tuesday I went out to lunch and shopping with my MIL to start the preparations for my future SIL’s wedding shower.<br /><br />Wednesday I did my grocery shopping. I had not done the shopping for ages. I kept putting it off and then I started having pregnancy complications so Hubby was going to the grocery for me. It was quite an expensive trip as we needed just about everything!<br /><br />Yesterday I went and got a massage. I had hoped the massage would relieve some of the stress and tension I was feeling and maybe I would be able to have a good cry and it did help a little but not enough.<br /><br />Today I am supposed to go to lunch with a friend (I haven’t heard form her today yet though) and I am getting a hair cut.<br /><br />We had a good evening last night. The Prince had piano lessons and is getting ready for the spring recital. Hubby made YUMMY turkey burgers and fries for dinner (I made pasta salad!). We had some much needed family hot tub time! The Prince has been a bit neglected lately so it was nice to just focus on him and Hubby.<br /><br />I have been able to talk about things without crying. I have had quite a few conversations about the miscarriage this week (MIL, SIL and different friends).<br /><br />As I said, I think overall I am doing okay~or so I thought…last night I opened a pudding cup and then dropped it. I burst in to tears and started crying hysterically. On second thought~maybe I'm not so okay.<br /><br />Things have hit me in different ways. This miscarriage has been easier in some ways and harder in others.<br /><br />Physically it has been easier as I knew what to expect. The only symptom I am having is I am so exhausted. I know that the hysterical crying and tiredness and other aches and pains are mainly due to out of control hormones. Knowing it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with!<br /><br />Emotionally it has been more difficult on many levels. I am finding out that I never really dealt with all my emotions from our first miscarriage. It happened so quickly and unexpectedly and there were so many other things going on in my life at the time that I just moved on and kind of closed the door on the grief. I thought I had grieved at the time but looking back I realize I really didn’t. I didn’t really know I could. There is such a cloud of secrecy around miscarriage that I felt I was being irrational at the time when I felt so badly. I had plenty of people to support me but didn’t know how to grieve. So I never did.<br /><br />This time around (as I am now dealing with both losses) I am using all available resources. I have been reading books and online articles. I have used the internet a lot lately reading medical articles or people’s blogs who have been through this. The difference this time around is on the support side. We didn’t tell many people I was pregnant so only those people know about the miscarriage. I have received some support but I think because I have been through it before people think I don’t need as much from them. I can’t be upset because people are only doing what they know how to do but it is still hard. All my reading has made me feel a bit less isolated after feeling a little let down by my friends and family.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Writing in this journal does the same thing. I am able to express what I am feeling at any given moment. It helps when I write it down but it also helps when I go back and read it. For me having my thoughts in writing give them a bit of validation...validation of my grief...validation of my loss...it validates ME!</span><br /><br /></span> <p class="MsoNormal"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjapX04F7NCRn_NTjMF1q3hfJP_5m0f7a7CF-TrTtS2XCdq-ywA4vwWFKiZvXicILNMIt4CDXUeYEWRloZnaceo_2nVIlH-FpG_AFQTxr5NjXw860znu-Ipjx9OnEISm48L_htCYgSZZO7Y/s1600-h/1.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjapX04F7NCRn_NTjMF1q3hfJP_5m0f7a7CF-TrTtS2XCdq-ywA4vwWFKiZvXicILNMIt4CDXUeYEWRloZnaceo_2nVIlH-FpG_AFQTxr5NjXw860znu-Ipjx9OnEISm48L_htCYgSZZO7Y/s320/1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5254416332586412946" border="0" /></a></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><i style=""><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 0);font-family:Cambria;font-size:16;" ></span></i></p>The Empty Womb<br />By Jill Lemming<br /><br />I carried you so lovingly,<br />within my gentle womb...<br />and little did I realize,<br />your life would end too soon.<br /><br />I never got the chance to say<br />"I love you, little one"...<br />before I held you in my arms,<br />your life on earth was done.<br /><br />The grief is indescribable,<br />to lose a child this way...<br />all the many hopes and dreams,<br />just vanished on that day.<br /><br />I know I'll see the sun shine bright<br />upon my baby's face...<br />when I finally get to heaven,<br />all my pain will be erased.<br /><br />We'll soar the skies together,<br />as angels two by two...<br />we'll have a sweet reunion;<br />this mother's dream come true.<p class="MsoNormal"><i style=""><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 0);font-family:Cambria;font-size:16;" ></span></i></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302299323568169475.post-72760376428241558212008-04-01T09:16:00.005-05:002009-07-29T19:34:04.900-05:00Tuesday MorningFeeling Quiet<br />Hearing R.E.M. <br /><p class="MsoNormal"><span style=";font-family:Cambria;font-size:16;color:fuchsia;" ></span></p><br />I am still feeling pretty numb. I can’t focus on anything. It all seems so unreal. Last week I was pregnant. Last week I had a new life growing inside me. This week I do not.<br /><br />I was reminded this morning that I would be 10 weeks today by an e-mail. I thought I had unsubscribed to all those pregnancy week by week e-mails I had subscribed to when I found out I was pregnant. I missed one. I packed up all my pregnancy books and they have been replaced by books on miscarriage, grief and coping. I have gathered up all my pregnancy magazines and will leave them at the doctor’s office when I go next week.<br /><br />Yesterday went okay. I didn’t do much. I read a little and took a nap until it was time to pick up The Prince from school.<br /><br />The bright spot of my day was a beautiful flower arrangement from my friend Holly.<br /><p class="MsoNormal"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDzYyEPRQgGTKJq00C_0Z8EtRML8CuqDDGRKU4IP9_EfugjdS6wc6nFxf_UvrFix1beE48FJWjAJKeb1wsUMpJkvv8nOGCLXzqRlCj1vNdZNCfoz9hz8I2K1E62saHbIb5v9tnTu9vzykN/s1600-h/1.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDzYyEPRQgGTKJq00C_0Z8EtRML8CuqDDGRKU4IP9_EfugjdS6wc6nFxf_UvrFix1beE48FJWjAJKeb1wsUMpJkvv8nOGCLXzqRlCj1vNdZNCfoz9hz8I2K1E62saHbIb5v9tnTu9vzykN/s320/1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5254411345022977586" border="0" /></a><span style=";font-family:Cambria;font-size:16;color:fuchsia;" ><br /></span></p>Aren’t they amazing!?!<br /><br />She is such a good friend!<br /><br />THANKS HOLLY!!!<br /><br />Hubby is still pretty concerned about me but I can tell he is at a loss at what to do.<br /><br />I am meeting my MIL for lunch today at a restaurant we are thinking about having a bridal shower at. I am trying to plan to go do something everyday or I wouldn’t leave the house except to pick up The Prince. I am not really sad today just blah. It’s an odd feeling.<br /><br />I think I have shared this before in an entry when my friend Holly had her miscarriage but I wanted to share it again.<p class="MsoNormal"><i><span style=";font-family:Cambria;font-size:16;color:fuchsia;" ></span></i></p>MISCARRIAGE PRAYER<br />By Mother M. Angelica<br /><br />My Lord, the baby is dead!<br /><br />Why, my Lord, dare I ask why?<br /><br />It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face.<br /><br />It will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise.<br /><br />Why, my Lord?<br /><br />“Why, My child, do you ask ‘why’?<br /><br />Well, I will tell you why.<br /><br />You see, the child lives.<br /><br />Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne.<br /><br />Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty, he sees My face.<br /><br />He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor.<br /><br />He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth.<br /><br />He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess.<br /><br />My ways are not the ways of man.<br /><br />I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another.<br /><br />He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits.<br /><br />He has never seen pain or sin.<br /><br />He has never felt hunger or pain.<br /><br />I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.”<br /><br />I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love.<br /><br />I speak as a fool, forgive me.<br /><br />I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death.<br /><br />I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity. <i><span style=";font-family:Cambria;font-size:16;color:fuchsia;" ><!--[endif]--></span></i>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302299323568169475.post-77947993429160981082008-03-31T08:30:00.003-05:002008-10-16T08:50:03.616-05:00Monday Morning<span id="friendly" style="float: left;"><b></b> </span>Feeling Quiet<br />Hearing Silence <br /> <br />I am feeling very sad this morning.<br /><br />It was hard to say good-bye to Hubby and The Prince this morning as they left for work/school because I didn’t want to be alone. It doesn’t help that it is dreary and raining this morning.<br /><br />This last week, even though I’ve written about the miscarriage quite a bit, I have been in a bit of denial. My life has had a slight tinge of unreality and I am still reeling and am stunned that this happened to me again. I haven’t had a really good cry yet but feel I am on the verge of tears all the time. <br /><br />Mysterious Lord of Life and Death, a very part of my own life has died in the death of my child.<br /><br />My soul is weighed down with sorrow and bears the wound of a lifelong scar.<br /><br />Send to me Your angel of consolation for the pain is heavy and deep.<br /><br />Do not take my tears and sorrow as a sign of my unbelief that all who have died are resurrected to eternal life in You, but, rather, see in these tears a sign of my great love for my child.<br /><br />As I held him in the embrace of love, may You, his Divine Parent, hold him close to Your heart forever.<br /><br />Help me, Lord, for I do not seek to understand the why of this mystery of death as much as I desire to accept it in a holy way and to be healed and once again whole.<br /><br />Support me, my Lord and God, and wrap me in your gentle love as I attempt to carry this bitter cross as Your Son, Jesus, carried the cross which you gave to Him. <br /><br />Amen<br /><br /> I received this email from Silent Grief this morning and it really spoke to me. <br /><br />March 31, 2008<br /><br />Sometimes things happen and we doubt the very wisdom of God. We wonder "Why? Why did this happen in my life?" When grief enters our lives, we are filled with questions and we want to hear answers. But, there are times when there really are no answers - at least not answers that we can find. And, we are left asking the age-old question, "Why?" <br /><br />One thing we can know for sure is that God is near, and He has not left us alone in our pain. God is watching over us day and night, and He will place a beautiful rainbow in the clouds for us to see so that we can be reminded of His love. <br /><br />When you feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders, look to God, and place your burdens at His feet. You don't have to carry the pain all alone anymore. Hand it over to God, for He is your friend. <br /><br />And, create pockets of time when you can rest and think thoughts of relief. When you do, hope will come knocking on the door of your heart, and carry you through!<br /><br />--C. Hinton<p class="MsoNormal"><span style=";font-family:Cambria;font-size:14;color:gray;" ></span></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302299323568169475.post-23061212322058902962008-03-30T11:08:00.013-05:002009-07-29T19:35:56.605-05:00Acknowledgment<span style="font-size:100%;">Feeling Quiet<br />Hearing Silence <br /></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br />After a miscarriage the doctors and/or hospital staff can be very dismissive.<br /><br />Miscarriage is so common in the medical community that they become a little detached and cold.<br /><br />I realize I am generalizing greatly but I have read over and over how badly a doctor or a nurse or someone in the ER made a mom who just lost a baby to miscarriage feel.<br /><br />In this aspect, I have been greatly blessed with caring medical personnel. My doctor is phenomenal and the people in ultrasound and the ER at the hospital where kind, patient and sensitive to my pain.<br /><br />The hospital where I had both D&C’s has a wonderful program for patients who have a miscarriage at their facility. Both times when I was in recovery there was a little note and a small quilt by my bedside.<br /><br />This is the one I received after my first miscarriage.<br />Isn't it beautiful?</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span><p class="MsoNormal"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2ysPYSEzHgTGf60ujWAZhlDp0v-U05vYNsVCurB4ukjpAqnG1URyR4pYNlEqWoJry_DrjtgtuLcyj3DP3Db76wDsJ5H07p66HmfXiJeRIQT81Nlk2vaLsvoB4kLy_KmuaKMNVzQdnGds/s1600-h/1.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2ysPYSEzHgTGf60ujWAZhlDp0v-U05vYNsVCurB4ukjpAqnG1URyR4pYNlEqWoJry_DrjtgtuLcyj3DP3Db76wDsJ5H07p66HmfXiJeRIQT81Nlk2vaLsvoB4kLy_KmuaKMNVzQdnGds/s320/1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5253810208881711138" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"></span></p><br />This is the one I received last week. You can't really tell from the picture but some of the fabric is sparkly. It looks amazing!<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiipLedLNURc0FzZ65fnY2WrVDV5P_CdcX6jhqWvwGaApu0QQ0SkTLkVHt26zjplOGzvziMSHUiJFakYi7PIUNVX9bAaWLndOtJcT8Maug5RNk0puvdUCTKX9gq9qshCNeQ_lXdMg2QeEk/s1600-h/2.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiipLedLNURc0FzZ65fnY2WrVDV5P_CdcX6jhqWvwGaApu0QQ0SkTLkVHt26zjplOGzvziMSHUiJFakYi7PIUNVX9bAaWLndOtJcT8Maug5RNk0puvdUCTKX9gq9qshCNeQ_lXdMg2QeEk/s320/2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5253810209641237666" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"></span></p><br />This was on the back of both quilts.<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:85%;"></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8XDyh4bDMNXAIqn2tx9D71Caz1bbj9QF-A5TgzUQM8juxafDkyk4IQbg9ylwjPEta4ULXWaa-nkfjl0rAHQ2r1T-xJeW4vFABXQxVjZTO78PApSZMlR8ZPjI60dBmadPcLGmw274mSi4/s1600-h/3.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8XDyh4bDMNXAIqn2tx9D71Caz1bbj9QF-A5TgzUQM8juxafDkyk4IQbg9ylwjPEta4ULXWaa-nkfjl0rAHQ2r1T-xJeW4vFABXQxVjZTO78PApSZMlR8ZPjI60dBmadPcLGmw274mSi4/s320/3.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5253810210181169570" border="0" /></a></p><span style="font-size:100%;">A volunteer group meets at the hospital once a month and makes these quilts. I do not know who first started this program but I think they are wonderful!<br /><br />When you have a D&C (or a miscarriage in general) it is always so sad to leave the hospital empty handed.<br /><br />It was such a comfort to leave the hospital (both times) with a little tangible remembrance of my lost angel.<br /><br />Hubby and I talked about this a lot last night and we are going to send a thank you note and a donation for materials to this group. I know for them, making the quilts is something they do for fellowship and for fun but for us it gave a little validation to our loss.<br /><br />With a miscarriage you have very little to memorialize your baby. We were lucky to have an ultrasound picture but this small gesture from the hospital gave us something else concrete.<br /><br />Most importantly someone acknowledged our loss.<br /><br />A Poem by Gary Winters to "Little One"<br /><br />We had wanted you for so very long,<br />Or so it must have seemed at times.<br />Now we know we'll have forever,<br />To keep you in our minds.<br /><br />On that joyful day when we learned<br />That you were on your way,<br />We opened our home and hearts,<br />And planned for a permanent stay.<br /><br />We never saw your smile.<br />We never held your hand.<br />You never had your birthday.<br />How can we understand?<br /><br />To hear you laugh, to dry your tear<br />To share your life each day<br />To see the wonder in your eyes<br />As you find your rightful way.<br /><br />We're told we should forget you,<br />"You'll have another some day."<br />Don't they see the pain we feel,<br />Is bruised by what they say?<br /><br />We never saw your smile.<br />We never held your hand.<br />You never had your birthday.<br />Someday we'll understand.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-302299323568169475.post-80684187407615989802008-03-29T20:23:00.003-05:002009-07-29T19:44:44.718-05:00Saturday Evening<span id="friendly" style="float: left;"><b></b> </span>Feeling Quiet<br />Hearing Silence<br /><br />One of the saddest things physically about a miscarriage is the point where you don’t “feel pregnant” anymore. This week because I was on progesterone and had a D&C I still had some of my pregnancy symptoms as all the hormones were still working their way out of my body.<br /><br />When I found out I was pregnant I reveled in all the symptoms…good and bad…because of what they meant.<br /><br />Today, I don’t feel any of the symptoms. It makes the whole thing more real…more final.<br /><br />I had a pop with my lunch yesterday and a margarita with dinner because I could. Neither tasted any good to me. Nothing really tastes good right now…maybe I’ll lose some weight (silver lining anyone?).<br /><br />I am really trying not to overly focus on anything negative right now but I have to get this out.<br /><br />Not many people knew I was pregnant so I did not have to tell many people about the miscarriage. With that being said…the people who DID know obviously are very close to me. I know it is difficult to know what to say to someone who is dealing with this but there is more than one person in my life who knew about the pregnancy and has been told about the miscarriage who hasn’t said anything to me about the miscarriage. In fact they haven’t said anything to me at all period. I didn’t expect people to rush over and comfort me or anything but I did think I would get some type of acknowledgment. I didn’t tell many people about the pregnancy (for obvious reasons) and there was a lot of consideration on the people I did tell. I am really trying not to obsess on this but to say my feelings are hurt is an understatement. As I said previously, I know it is hard to know what to say to someone and I know that I am not a big sharer but not to hear anything from either of them seems strange. I know that everybody has stuff going in their lives but I thought these two people were my friends. I know that I am probably transferring some of my pain here to something else but it is really making me reevaluate some of my friendships.<br /><br />I found this poem in some of my readings and it really spoke to me. <br /><br />Just Those Few Weeks<br />Susan Erling<br /><br />For those few weeks-<br />I had you to myself.<br />And that seems too short a time<br />to be changed so profoundly.<br /><br />In those few weeks-<br />I came to know you...<br />and to love you.<br />You came to trust me with your life.<br />Oh, what a life I had planned for you!<br /><br />Just those few weeks-<br />When I lost you.<br />I lost a lifetime of hopes,<br />plans, dreams, and aspirations...<br />A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.<br /><br />Just those few weeks-<br />And no "normal" person would cry all night<br />over a tiny, unfinished baby,<br />or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.<br />No one would, so why am I?<br /><br />You were those few weeks my little one<br />you darted in and out of my life too quickly.<br />But it seems that's all the time you needed<br />to make my life so much richer<br />and give me a small glimpse of eternity. <p class="MsoNormal"><span style=";font-family:Garamond;font-size:14;color:green;" ></span></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com