Tuesday, June 17, 2008


Feeling Jealous
Hearing Rich Mullins~Hold Me Jesus

Pregnancy is a celebration of dates.

Every week and every month mean big happy changes.

After a miscarriage those same celebrations become silent markers of what might have been.

I would be over five months pregnant now.

I would be nice and round and getting fat!

I would be thinking about decorating the nursery instead of obsessing about my bathroom and new closet.

These markers tick by every month until what would have been my due date.

Then there are the two "anniversaries" that are never forgotten.

Due Date and Miscarriage Date.

Both dates are forever written on my heart.

This week is three years since my first miscarriage.

It is hard to believe that had that not happened I would have a two and a half year old right now!

I truly believe things happen the way they are supposed to but it does not stop me from questioning God and asking Why? Why? Why?

I am really working on being happy and content with my life.

Most days I am.

I have moved on somewhat.

I put all the grieving and miscarriage books away (I may need to get them back out though).

I try and focus on being present and engaged in my life right now…but some days it is harder than others.

I spent a lot of time on the phone with my MIL yesterday. She was very upset about something and I was letting her vent. I am glad we have such a good relationship (especially because I do not have one with my own mother) and that I can be there for her but it is easy to get sucked into the negativity. She shared a lot of stuff (good and bad) and was on quite a rant. I listened. I soothed. I tried to help her as best I knew how and when I got off the phone with her last night I was in a funk.

I talked to Hubby a bit about it but I didn’t want to detail too much of the drama with him because MIL was venting to me because she doesn’t want her boys involved (they get pretty protective and try to jump in and fix things and with this issue there is nothing that can be changed~she just needed to vent).

I haven’t necessarily been in the best place this last week anyway.

Yesterday a friend called to tell me she was pregnant.

This morning I saw another friend who is pregnant and has my same due date. It was really hard to see her and be happy for her. It was hard to actually SEE how pregnant I should be right now! I was so jealous I could just spit!

I am sitting here at Grammy's house. It is empty and I am waiting for the bank appraiser to show for the sale. It is so sad to be in the house now but it is the perfect place to sit and cry.

My heart just hurts today. It hurts for me but it hurts for my MIL as well. She has been through so much in the last year and I think now with the wedding over and her mother's house being sold all the sh*t is coming to a culmination and the grief is really settling in.

It is what it is and I can’t change the situation but I still wish I could. I know God knows best but today I am praying for a wisdom and peace.