Monday, May 26, 2008

Quiet Monday Morning

Feeling Quiet
Hearing Silence

I’m still here…just not wanting to write much.

It’s been a busy few weeks for us and I will post a great big picture filled entry soon but I wasn’t feeling like that is the post I am supposed to write today. On this Memorial Day this entry is what has poured out of me...

My days have been filled with activities and fun but the sorrow is still there lying in wait…grabbing me unaware and still capable of taking my breath away, bringing me to my knees and making my heart feel like it has broken anew. There are times I feel like I am in a bottomless well of sadness and I can’t get out.

Most days are good days.

I am able to focus on all of the great things in my life. I count my blessings but in doing so it sometimes makes it worse. In the celebration of all the wonderful things I already have in my life mainly the wonderful child I was already given it makes the pain of not having other children more real. I have a child yet still covet others.

I have read in more than one place that having a miscarriage is like losing a dream and this is real on so many levels. The most glaring part is when you have a miscarriage all you really have left to mourn is the dream of the life you would have had with your baby. To lose a child before birth is to lose a dream, a hope, and for me I lost a part of myself each time. I am mourning a dream~a vision of what might have been~a dream of the life I thought I’d have. My babies were loved from the moment I first dreamt them.

My BFF Jen sent me a journal link yesterday about a woman who lost her baby shortly after birth.

Bring The Rain

I was not having a good day yesterday and started to read it and couldn’t. It was too painful. Last night I tried again and read her whole journal. Her faith in God is what made Jen send it to me.

Her faith in God is what I want for myself.

I want to trust that everything is going to be just as it should be. I want to feel that I have a true relationship with God. I want to talk to him and feel that he is listening to me. I want to hear his voice in my everyday life. I don’t feel that way right now and that is perhaps the most heartbreaking thing for me about all of this. I have not lost my faith but I somehow feel I am not enough. I pray but often feel my prayers aren’t good enough. Why don’t I feel the hand of God guiding me? I don’t feel his presence in my life and I am lost.

Words that are not my own but so capture what I am feeling today.

In the Face of Fertility Challenges

Lord, help me to know that You are enough.
Take my eyes off of myself.
Take my eyes off of the child I desire.
Help me to delight myself in You.
Mold the desires of my heart to be in line with Your will.
I don't want to need to be a mother more than I need to be your humble, obedient child.
I don't want wanting to have a baby to be a stumbling block between You and me anymore.

Lord, I want to give this desire, this drive, this ache up to You.
Help me not to snatch it back as I so often do with the burdens I place in Your hands.
Help me to be truly content with Your will and Your timing.
Lord, You know that I still desire a baby - someone to mold, teach, train, shape, guide, and help to grow in You.
But until the day You give me that joyous blessing, help me to grow in You. Let me reach out to those around me.
Let me witness and minister to the children You place in my path.

Lord, if adoption is the path You would have us take, prepare our hearts, and prepare the child who will share our home.
If adoption is not Your will for our lives, keep me from pushing ahead of Your plan.
Help me to stay submitted to my husband's will, and to Your will.
If we are headed in the wrong direction, change our hearts.

Thank You for lifting my burden.
Help me to keep You first!
Let me seek Your face daily, and let me know that You are enough!

--Jennifer Saake

Saturday, May 10, 2008

The Results

Feeling Happy
Hearing Weezer~Pork and Beans

I got all my test results back and they didn’t find anything.

I guess that is good news…obviously you don’t want anything to be wrong with you but on the other hand if they did find something then maybe we could figure out why I miscarried.

Oh well…it is what it is!!