Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Tuesday Morning

Feeling Sad
Hearing Silence

Things have been busy here and are back to normal schedule wise. I am still a bit of an emotional mess but I am good at faking it.

I feel like I am in recovery…it’s a take it one day at a time kind of thing. Each day brings a fresh perspective. I don’t know if I am gonna have a good day or a bad day but at least I am gonna have a day.

Everything is still very jumbled…my days are kind of running together. I still have a tightness in my chest and a heaviness in my heart.

I have been able to cry and I cry a lot. I cry in the car. I cry at night. I cry at commercials and movies and books.

My nerves are raw and I feel exposed all the time. It is a very unnerving feeling.

It is also pretty difficult as it has been three weeks since the miscarriage and by now most people have forgotten it and assume I am okay and have moved on.

Obviously I have not moved on.

The shock of everything has finally worn off and now I am sad and angry. Sad for what we’ve lost as a family and angry at the unfairness of the loss of what might have been.

I am just trying to heal my broken heart.

Prayer After Miscarriage or Stillbirth
By Sandy Eisenberg Sasso

God, we are weary and grieved.
We were anticipating the birth of a child, but the promise of life was ended too soon.
Our arms yearned to cradle new life, our mouths to sing soft lullabies.
Our hearts ache from the emptiness and the silence.
We are saddened and we are angry.
We weep and we mourn.
Weep with us, God, Creator of Life, for the life that could not be.
Source of healing, help us to find healing among those who care for us and those for whom we care.
Shelter us under wings of love and help us to stand up again for life even as we mourn our loss.

Monday, April 7, 2008

To test or not to test

Feeling Anxious
Hearing Days Of Our Lives

To test or not to test…what a big question.

I had my follow-up appointment this morning. It went very well.

The doctor was able to answer some of our questions but of course not the BIG question~WHY?

Then we got to the testing question. Most doctors want you to wait until you have three miscarriages before they start talking about testing but my doctor gives you the choice after two miscarriages.

He did indicate that the chance that I would miscarry three times in a row is still pretty minimal. Of course I am thinking that the chance I would miscarry a second time was less than 5% and that didn’t exactly work out. The chance of miscarriage after hearing the heartbeat and in the second trimester is approximately 1 to 5% & I hit that one too!

Hubby and I had discussed the testing and neither of us was ready to do anything overly invasive at this point. We did quite a bit of testing in our infertility workup but that was 10 years ago.

After talking to the doctor we all decided we would do the recurrent miscarriage blood workup and go from there. The workup tests for a bunch of different things (thyroid, autoimmune disorders, etc.). It basically helps to rule out a bunch of things.

He sent me over to the hospital to get my blood drawn and then decided to schedule me for a mammogram (to get a baseline due to family history) at the same time. Aren’t I lucky!?!

Hubby and I went to lunch so I could hydrate myself before giving blood. I am a very bad stick but know if I am hydrated it is a bit easier.

Thank goodness I thought ahead…they took FOURTEEN vials of blood!!! Apparently every test the do needs its own vial of blood! It took forever and my arm aches right now! The mammogram wasn’t too bad~not pleasant but it went fairly fast.

I should have my results next week from all testing. Fingers crossed…except I am not sure what to hope for…to find something that is the cause of my miscarriages or to not find anything.

Friday, April 4, 2008

The Prince on babies

Feeling Quiet
Hearing Something on the Bluegrass music channel (The Prince's pick)

My friend Michelle had her baby today.

Surprisingly it did not make me too sad.

The Prince on the other hand is another story.

I showed him the pictures and he was quiet for a long while.

Then he softly asked me “Mom, has our chance to have another baby passed?”

I told him that I didn’t know.

“Doesn’t God think we would be good to a baby?”

I paused to think about what to say but then told him that God has a plan for each of us and sometimes even when we really want something badly God knows a reason why we shouldn’t have it. We just have to be patient and wait to see what God has in store for us.

He broke my already broken heart.

That is until he said “Maybe, it’s a good thing we don’t have a baby. If we had a baby, you guys wouldn’t be able to pay as much attention to ME! I really LOVE being the center of attention!!”

Center of attention~I thought that was MOI!! I told him he was probably right, that babies do take up a lot of time but if we did have another baby we would still make special time just for him.

Then he said “I don’t think I want a baby. I would like a little brother that is close to my age but a baby wouldn’t be close to my age. Besides, babies are noisy and cry and eat a lot. I would have to be quiet all the time and I wouldn’t be able to leave my toys out everywhere because the baby might choke on them. I have friends at school who complain about how much their little brothers bug them all the time. I just don't need all that STRESS!!”

Stress...LOL!! He's 8 and worried about stress! We talked for a few minutes about the way a baby changes everything.

He went back to playing with his toys and I heard him quietly say to himself “It sure would be nice to have a baby though.”

From his lips to God's ears.

Friday Morning

Feeling Quiet
Hearing Silence

On a day to day (or hour to hour) basis I think I am doing okay.

I still feel on the verge of tears almost all the time but just can’t seem to let it all out.

I am trying to make myself leave the house every day so I am not all cocooned in the bedroom.

On Tuesday I went out to lunch and shopping with my MIL to start the preparations for my future SIL’s wedding shower.

Wednesday I did my grocery shopping. I had not done the shopping for ages. I kept putting it off and then I started having pregnancy complications so Hubby was going to the grocery for me. It was quite an expensive trip as we needed just about everything!

Yesterday I went and got a massage. I had hoped the massage would relieve some of the stress and tension I was feeling and maybe I would be able to have a good cry and it did help a little but not enough.

Today I am supposed to go to lunch with a friend (I haven’t heard form her today yet though) and I am getting a hair cut.

We had a good evening last night. The Prince had piano lessons and is getting ready for the spring recital. Hubby made YUMMY turkey burgers and fries for dinner (I made pasta salad!). We had some much needed family hot tub time! The Prince has been a bit neglected lately so it was nice to just focus on him and Hubby.

I have been able to talk about things without crying. I have had quite a few conversations about the miscarriage this week (MIL, SIL and different friends).

As I said, I think overall I am doing okay~or so I thought…last night I opened a pudding cup and then dropped it. I burst in to tears and started crying hysterically. On second thought~maybe I'm not so okay.

Things have hit me in different ways. This miscarriage has been easier in some ways and harder in others.

Physically it has been easier as I knew what to expect. The only symptom I am having is I am so exhausted. I know that the hysterical crying and tiredness and other aches and pains are mainly due to out of control hormones. Knowing it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with!

Emotionally it has been more difficult on many levels. I am finding out that I never really dealt with all my emotions from our first miscarriage. It happened so quickly and unexpectedly and there were so many other things going on in my life at the time that I just moved on and kind of closed the door on the grief. I thought I had grieved at the time but looking back I realize I really didn’t. I didn’t really know I could. There is such a cloud of secrecy around miscarriage that I felt I was being irrational at the time when I felt so badly. I had plenty of people to support me but didn’t know how to grieve. So I never did.

This time around (as I am now dealing with both losses) I am using all available resources. I have been reading books and online articles. I have used the internet a lot lately reading medical articles or people’s blogs who have been through this. The difference this time around is on the support side. We didn’t tell many people I was pregnant so only those people know about the miscarriage. I have received some support but I think because I have been through it before people think I don’t need as much from them. I can’t be upset because people are only doing what they know how to do but it is still hard. All my reading has made me feel a bit less isolated after feeling a little let down by my friends and family.

Writing in this journal does the same thing. I am able to express what I am feeling at any given moment. It helps when I write it down but it also helps when I go back and read it. For me having my thoughts in writing give them a bit of validation...validation of my grief...validation of my loss...it validates ME!

The Empty Womb
By Jill Lemming

I carried you so lovingly,
within my gentle womb...
and little did I realize,
your life would end too soon.

I never got the chance to say
"I love you, little one"...
before I held you in my arms,
your life on earth was done.

The grief is indescribable,
to lose a child this way...
all the many hopes and dreams,
just vanished on that day.

I know I'll see the sun shine bright
upon my baby's face...
when I finally get to heaven,
all my pain will be erased.

We'll soar the skies together,
as angels two by two...
we'll have a sweet reunion;
this mother's dream come true.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Tuesday Morning

Feeling Quiet
Hearing R.E.M.

I am still feeling pretty numb. I can’t focus on anything. It all seems so unreal. Last week I was pregnant. Last week I had a new life growing inside me. This week I do not.

I was reminded this morning that I would be 10 weeks today by an e-mail. I thought I had unsubscribed to all those pregnancy week by week e-mails I had subscribed to when I found out I was pregnant. I missed one. I packed up all my pregnancy books and they have been replaced by books on miscarriage, grief and coping. I have gathered up all my pregnancy magazines and will leave them at the doctor’s office when I go next week.

Yesterday went okay. I didn’t do much. I read a little and took a nap until it was time to pick up The Prince from school.

The bright spot of my day was a beautiful flower arrangement from my friend Holly.

Aren’t they amazing!?!

She is such a good friend!


Hubby is still pretty concerned about me but I can tell he is at a loss at what to do.

I am meeting my MIL for lunch today at a restaurant we are thinking about having a bridal shower at. I am trying to plan to go do something everyday or I wouldn’t leave the house except to pick up The Prince. I am not really sad today just blah. It’s an odd feeling.

I think I have shared this before in an entry when my friend Holly had her miscarriage but I wanted to share it again.

By Mother M. Angelica

My Lord, the baby is dead!

Why, my Lord, dare I ask why?

It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face.

It will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise.

Why, my Lord?

“Why, My child, do you ask ‘why’?

Well, I will tell you why.

You see, the child lives.

Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne.

Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty, he sees My face.

He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor.

He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth.

He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess.

My ways are not the ways of man.

I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another.

He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits.

He has never seen pain or sin.

He has never felt hunger or pain.

I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.”

I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love.

I speak as a fool, forgive me.

I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death.

I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity.