Tuesday, January 3, 2006

Can't Sleep

Feeling Sad
Hearing Silence

I am feeling very sad. I can’t sleep.

Today was supposed to be my due date.

I thought I had come to terms with the miscarriage but obviously not so much.

I sit in the room that was supposed to be the baby’s room and feel so empty. The fact that it is still an office seems so wrong.

The holidays took my mind off things temporarily but at times they were very hard. The Crown Prince asked Santa for a baby and in his prayers at night he asks the baby Jesus to send us a baby to love. I have been okay for the most part but am still dealing with the loss and the hopelessness of trying again.

After The Prince turned five we had accepted he would probably be an only child and we were happy with that. Then I got pregnant! I can’t describe the joy I felt. We waited until we were “safe” at 12 weeks and told The Prince. Things were good and then I miscarried at 16 weeks-so much for the “safe” period. I understand that it was not meant to be and all that but it doesn't really make it any easier.

But with the sadness comes guilt.

Guilt that I could have done something different. I know I could not have prevented the miscarriage but the guilt lingers.

Guilt that I am not grateful enough for the wonderful family I already have.

The guilt is almost as bad as the sadness.

I struggle to understand “THE WHY” in all this, but know one day I will.

I take comfort in knowing that we have our own special angel in heaven watching over us…