Friday, April 4, 2008

Friday Morning

Feeling Quiet
Hearing Silence

On a day to day (or hour to hour) basis I think I am doing okay.

I still feel on the verge of tears almost all the time but just can’t seem to let it all out.

I am trying to make myself leave the house every day so I am not all cocooned in the bedroom.

On Tuesday I went out to lunch and shopping with my MIL to start the preparations for my future SIL’s wedding shower.

Wednesday I did my grocery shopping. I had not done the shopping for ages. I kept putting it off and then I started having pregnancy complications so Hubby was going to the grocery for me. It was quite an expensive trip as we needed just about everything!

Yesterday I went and got a massage. I had hoped the massage would relieve some of the stress and tension I was feeling and maybe I would be able to have a good cry and it did help a little but not enough.

Today I am supposed to go to lunch with a friend (I haven’t heard form her today yet though) and I am getting a hair cut.

We had a good evening last night. The Prince had piano lessons and is getting ready for the spring recital. Hubby made YUMMY turkey burgers and fries for dinner (I made pasta salad!). We had some much needed family hot tub time! The Prince has been a bit neglected lately so it was nice to just focus on him and Hubby.

I have been able to talk about things without crying. I have had quite a few conversations about the miscarriage this week (MIL, SIL and different friends).

As I said, I think overall I am doing okay~or so I thought…last night I opened a pudding cup and then dropped it. I burst in to tears and started crying hysterically. On second thought~maybe I'm not so okay.

Things have hit me in different ways. This miscarriage has been easier in some ways and harder in others.

Physically it has been easier as I knew what to expect. The only symptom I am having is I am so exhausted. I know that the hysterical crying and tiredness and other aches and pains are mainly due to out of control hormones. Knowing it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with!

Emotionally it has been more difficult on many levels. I am finding out that I never really dealt with all my emotions from our first miscarriage. It happened so quickly and unexpectedly and there were so many other things going on in my life at the time that I just moved on and kind of closed the door on the grief. I thought I had grieved at the time but looking back I realize I really didn’t. I didn’t really know I could. There is such a cloud of secrecy around miscarriage that I felt I was being irrational at the time when I felt so badly. I had plenty of people to support me but didn’t know how to grieve. So I never did.

This time around (as I am now dealing with both losses) I am using all available resources. I have been reading books and online articles. I have used the internet a lot lately reading medical articles or people’s blogs who have been through this. The difference this time around is on the support side. We didn’t tell many people I was pregnant so only those people know about the miscarriage. I have received some support but I think because I have been through it before people think I don’t need as much from them. I can’t be upset because people are only doing what they know how to do but it is still hard. All my reading has made me feel a bit less isolated after feeling a little let down by my friends and family.

Writing in this journal does the same thing. I am able to express what I am feeling at any given moment. It helps when I write it down but it also helps when I go back and read it. For me having my thoughts in writing give them a bit of validation...validation of my grief...validation of my loss...it validates ME!

The Empty Womb
By Jill Lemming

I carried you so lovingly,
within my gentle womb...
and little did I realize,
your life would end too soon.

I never got the chance to say
"I love you, little one"...
before I held you in my arms,
your life on earth was done.

The grief is indescribable,
to lose a child this way...
all the many hopes and dreams,
just vanished on that day.

I know I'll see the sun shine bright
upon my baby's face...
when I finally get to heaven,
all my pain will be erased.

We'll soar the skies together,
as angels two by two...
we'll have a sweet reunion;
this mother's dream come true.