Hearing Silence
I am slowly trying to get back to a normal routine.
It would be so easy to just retreat to my bed and sleep all day but that is not fair to anyone.
Hubby has been phenomenal. I am so blessed to have him. He worked from home Thursday & Friday to just be around if I needed him. He is so good at just knowing what I need and when I need it. He knows when to let me talk, when to crack a joke or when to just sit quietly with me. He baked me a carrot cake that was beyond moist and yummy. He is truly a good man.
I put a lot of personal stuff in this blog but in my real life I am a pretty private person. I have a couple of extremely close friends that know my business but I am not really a sharer and not big on displays of affection or emotion. I internalize my feelings and this makes it difficult for my friends and especially for Hubby to know how to comfort me. I almost never cry in front of anyone. I am trying to let Hubby in more but I find it very difficult.
I had to get out of the house yesterday so I went to the library and then did a little shopping. It was a sunny and warm day so it was nice to get out a bit.
Last night Hubby, The Prince and I went out to dinner~Mexican food~it was way yummy! The Prince had a really good week so he earned a Mommy sleepover. He always wants to sleep in our bed so every once in awhile we let him earn the chance. Fun for us~not so much for Hubby as he ends up on the couch!
It’s been quiet this morning. The boys are at karate and then they have to get fitted for tuxes so I am alone for the rest of the morning. I have been reading some material on grief and miscarriage I picked up yesterday and am feeling a bit weepy. I haven’t been alone in the house since the miscarriage so now I am alone with my thoughts and am a bit emotional.
I do want to thank all of you who have left comments or sent e-mails. Your kind words, thoughts and prayers bring a smile to my broken heart.
In this time of loss I call upon my spirit within to guide me to my strength so that I may find peace and completion. I will use this strength to demand of myself and others my need to grieve completely, for this will be my first step to healing.
During my time of grief I will seek guidance not only from my inner spirit but from loving persons who may offer wisdom and comfort.
I need to understand that the soul as well as the physical body needs healing and to pay attention to this. I will learn to accept that the soul may never heal completely.
I will learn to live not in fear and once again see beauty in my world and purpose in my existence.
In spite of my new knowledge that things happen that cannot be controlled, I must call upon the places within me that tell me I do have control over much of my life and use this control to aid my healing.
Let me recognize the gift in my ability to conceive and carry life however briefly.
Let me take joy in my ability to love so deeply and desire to nurture a soul unbeknownst to me.
Let me find healing in the belief that this soul knew my love for it and that that love helped it to pass to another place.
Let me honor this short life not only with my love but in finding meaning in its existence.
Let me recognize this meaning in not only my ability to survive, but in my fullest appreciation of all the moments motherhood will bring me, along with my deeper compassion and sisterhood to other women who've experienced loss.
Let a part of this soul be reflected in the spirit of my future children, born or adopted, so that I may know it through them.
I will listen to and trust the place in my deepest heart that tells me I will once again be reunited with this soul and will fulfill the need to hold it in my arms.
I will help myself to feel comfort in the knowledge that there is a star in heaven that belongs to me.
by Stacey Dinner-Levin
