Sunday, January 27, 2008

Baby Fever

Feeling Quiet
Hearing Simon & Garfunkel~Homeward Bound

I have been very lucky in the MIL department. I love mine to pieces. She is awesome and kind and never has a bad word to say about anyone but lately she has been talking more about babies…specifically about me & Hubby having another baby.

She doesn’t do it to be hurtful or mean. After losing her mother and then with the cancer stuff I totally understand her desire (her need) for more grandchildren.

When babies are around she always tries to get me to hold them…”to get the juices flowing” as she says.

She talks about names.

She talks about her nieces and nephews that are expecting.

Her chemo sessions are pretty long and we end up talking a lot on the subject.

I keep telling her “I can assure you...We’re trying…A LOT!!”

I tell her “From your lips to God’s ears”

I tell her “Keep praying.”

I get it…she wants another grandchild…and I really try not to take it so hard or so personally.

The baby thing is such a delicate subject.

She knows how hard the miscarriage was but as she hasn’t lived it she doesn’t totally get it.

I was talking to her about one of my best friends who is pregnant and was pregnant the same time as her sister and how her sister recently had a miscarriage. I totally sympathized with both of them as I have been on both sides of that. Being the one pregnant and being the one who miscarried. I have talked to my friend at length about the animosity that her sister may not be able to control. My MIL thought that was horrible and said her sister couldn’t possibly feel that way. She just doesn’t understand.

In a round about way she inquired if we had thought about doing fertility treatments again.
Hubby and I have always been very quiet in our fertility efforts because they are so personal and heartbreaking and soul crushing that we lean on each other but don’t really talk about it with anyone else.

Hubby has always been very quiet about “Our” life together. It's a respect thing and he is a big believer in marriage being sacred between a husband and his wife and likes to keep our private life private…because of this no one who really know us knows the depths of the heartbreak and the emotional toll fertility treatments were on both of us.

I do not want to do that again.

I will not do that again.

All this baby talk has really been taking more of a toll on me emotionally. Every month I feel like my body has failed me and now I am feeling that I am failing her as well.

I am focusing on the positive and know that God knows what is best but the feeling of continued failure has been overwhelming.

So... I do the only thing I can do...I do what I always do…I pray.