So much for being okay

Feeling Heartache
Hearing The Prince in the tub

I just spent the longest meal of my life staring at the most beautiful baby. Tonight was a PTO family night at one of the local restaurants. We always try to go to these nights to support the school, to help our PTO and to support our local restaurants.

So...being a PTO event there were a lot of the PTO moms there. Including her with her beautiful baby boy. I could not take my eyes away from him. I hope she didn't notice me coveting her baby. I tried to look away but I found my eyes were drawn to him over and over again. I don't see this mom very much at school anymore. That is a good thing. She will always be a sort of reminder of what I so very much wanted. A reminder of a lost dream and a broken heart.

I looked at my family during the meal and found myself lost in how different things could be right now if I hadn't lost that baby. I'd have an almost six month old as well as The Prince. My life would be such a different life that I can't even really imagine it anymore.

My heart still aches for that life. I can't escape that ache.

What is...

Feeling Reflective
Hearing Silence

It is hard to believe that this time last year I was carrying the most wonderful secret of being pregnant.

I was so happy yet terrified at the same time.

I can't believe it's been almost a year since I lost that baby.

It is so true that time does heal. There were times last year that I really didn't think I was ever going to be okay with it.

But I am. In the last few months I have yet again found a peace and an acceptance with it.

I still long to hold the babies I have lost but I am okay with not having another baby.

With the new year this year I made a recommitment to my family...my family as it is now. I had to finally give up the idea of the family I had dreamed of and in doing so I realized how content I was with the family I have. Three is a magic number. I truly am beyond blessed. I know this in my heart and know that God's plan for me and my family is better than any plan I could ever dream of.

Knowing this does not take away the fact that I am sure there will be bad days. Days where I ache for the babies I lost and though I know they are dancing in heaven it does not make me wish any less that I had had a moment to hold each of them here on earth.

We have decided not to do any addtional fertility treatments. We aren't necessarily trying to get pregnant but we aren't doing anything to prevent it.

I have moved on from the "What if?" and am living in the "What is."

Reflection

Feeling Blue
Hearing Silence

Hubby & The Prince are out and about and I am alone this morning.

Alone with my thoughts.

Today was my due date three years ago.

I should have a three year old birthday party to get ready for. I should be stressed and tearing my hair out to have a party so soon after Christmas and with a fairly newborn baby in the mix.

Though I am feeling a bit lost in "what might have been" thoughts I am nonetheless feeling very happy.

It's a new year with new hope.

I am not sure what to hope and pray for now.

As I (and The Prince) get older the practicality of another baby diminishes. My life as it is now holds great joy and comfort and I start to get fearful of "overturning the applecart" so to speak.

So I leave it as an open ended prayer and wish for the year...

I hope and pray 2009 brings joy and happiness and growth like I could never imagine for myself and my family.

Out of the blue

Feeling Reflective
Hearing Rick Springfield~The First Noel

Thanksgiving was interesting. I was in the shower after a mad cleaning session before our company showed up and I had a very vivid memory. When I first found out my due date the first thing Hubby & I laughed about was how thankful we would be this Thanksgiving. I daydreamed a bit about the baby that should be here with us. I was sad but am starting not to crumble whenever my mind wanders like that.

Until this morning...

I had a dentist appointment first thing this morning. I was in the chair waiting for the hygienist and when she walked in the first thing she asked all excitedly "So, did you have a boy or a girl??" Talk about out of the blue. I gasped and answered quietly "Neither." She was mortified and didn't know what to say (outside of a quick "I'm sorry") so I quickly started babbling about the snow and the drive in to the office to change the subject and make her feel better. Again, my mind wandered to my last appointment and how excited I was about the baby. I didn't have x-rays done and had scheduled my next appointment for after my due date. My heart beat quickly through the whole appointment. It took all I had to keep it together in the appointment but I managed not to break down in tears.

The first few months after the miscarriage there were quite a few of these incidents...but I kinda always knew to expect them. I can't think of anyone else who knew I was pregnant that I have not seen since the miscarriage. I sure hope this is the last one.

Seriously?

Feeling Quiet
Hearing The dishwasher

I've been somewhat able to move on lately. My mind has not been as obsessed with babies since my due date has past. I was feeling pretty good.

Then last night I heard that Hubby's cousin is pregnant...AGAIN. This is her fourth in less than four years.

Seriously?!?

I was stunned. She just had a baby at the end of June. I am a little bitter. Unfortunately, in my heart her life is a little entangled in my miscarriage past. I was pregnant at her baby shower in July 3 years ago. I soon miscarried after that. Since that first miscarriage she has had THREE babies while I have had two miscarriages and now she is pregnant again. WTH?? It so brings back the chorus of "What about me????"

Realistically it's not like I'm jealous of that situation. I would in no way want four babies under the age of four. It just stings a little and totally makes my heart hurt!

I am sure my MIL will be feeling it as well. Her brother is the grandfather to all these babies and he has gone from no grandchildren to what will be 7 in less than 4 years. That family has three boys and one girl and all the boys are married and have just started popping out babies. The daughter is getting married in the spring so I am sure she'll be pregnant soon after. They are a fertile bunch. :) Poor Mar...she has only the one and is desperate for more grandchildren.

I did not sleep well (partly becasue Hubby is gone but also because I could not shut my mind off). and then when I finally fell asleep...I dreamt of babies. I can't escape it.

This feels like such a pity party and I don't want to feel this way. It's totally random how any news of what is going on with her totally knocks me for a loop.

I so need to go drink the kool-aid at their house!

So hard

Feeling Sad
Hearing Quiet

Well...here it is. My due date.

I am not sure what I expected to feel today but I did not expect it to feel like this.

I am feeling totally decimated...almost like this loss is happening all over again.

I kind of already knew that my real healing could not start until after my due date.

I no longer need to look at every pregnant women and wonder how pregnant she is for a comparison. Each week ticking by will no longer mean the same thing. I now have a totally different set of dates...the what if dates.

I have had this experience before. I don't know if it is because I am alone today that it feels harder than last time.

I sit here and cry and pray and cry and pray.

I knew this date would be hard. I just did not expect it to be this hard.

Bitter much?

Feeling Sad
Hearing The Today Show

I am feeling very emotional this morning.

I am not sure what triggered it but I am very weepy.

The bitterness has been creeping in a bit this month.

Not entirely unexpected...I should be over 38 weeks right now.

I should be miserably huge right now. I should be bitching about being pregnant and how I can't wait to get this baby out of me. I should be counting down the minutes until I meet a precious new life.

Instead I am still trying to get pregnant. I went to the doctor earlier this month to "reregulate" my cycle. I feel like we are starting over. I feel like we are running out of time. I am so mad about it!

I see a woman I am in the PTO with everyday walking up to school to pick up her kids. She is WAY pregnant and has what should be MY due date. I was talking to her and another mother last week and she was complaining about all her symptoms. I had to excuse myself. I could not hear another word. Around most pregnant people I am fine but for some reason I am extremely resentful towards this woman. There is no rhyme or reason (except the due date thing). It makes me feel like such a horrible person.

I am crying and praying this morning.

Praying for peace to settle in my heart.

D@mn Lisa Marie Presley

Feeling Quiet
Hearing Nada

Lisa Marie Presley announced the names of her twin girls today (Harper & Finley). How in the world did she pick both of MY girl names? I know it is crazy how possessive I feel about these names but I can't help it!

My Monthly Heartbreak

Feeling Quiet
Hearing Football on tv

I have another blog ( Gillie Time ) and have from time to time touched on my desire to have another child and all the heartbreak that goes with it.

The main focus of that blog is my need to share the joy that is my life. :) There have been times that I have started to write something in respect to the baby fever and stopped myself because I did not feel that Gillie Time was the appropriate forum for those "rants".

I have copied all my "infertility" and "miscarriage" entries from Gillie Time to this blog and will use this blog to talk about that aspect of my life.

So here it is...the dirty and ugly side of me...My Monthly Heartbreak.

Milestones

Feeling Jealous
Hearing Rich Mullins~Hold Me Jesus

Pregnancy is a celebration of dates.

Every week and every month mean big happy changes.

After a miscarriage those same celebrations become silent markers of what might have been.

I would be over five months pregnant now.

I would be nice and round and getting fat!

I would be thinking about decorating the nursery instead of obsessing about my bathroom and new closet.

These markers tick by every month until what would have been my due date.

Then there are the two "anniversaries" that are never forgotten.

Due Date and Miscarriage Date.

Both dates are forever written on my heart.

This week is three years since my first miscarriage.

It is hard to believe that had that not happened I would have a two and a half year old right now!

I truly believe things happen the way they are supposed to but it does not stop me from questioning God and asking Why? Why? Why?

I am really working on being happy and content with my life.

Most days I am.

I have moved on somewhat.

I put all the grieving and miscarriage books away (I may need to get them back out though).

I try and focus on being present and engaged in my life right now…but some days it is harder than others.

I spent a lot of time on the phone with my MIL yesterday. She was very upset about something and I was letting her vent. I am glad we have such a good relationship (especially because I do not have one with my own mother) and that I can be there for her but it is easy to get sucked into the negativity. She shared a lot of stuff (good and bad) and was on quite a rant. I listened. I soothed. I tried to help her as best I knew how and when I got off the phone with her last night I was in a funk.

I talked to Hubby a bit about it but I didn’t want to detail too much of the drama with him because MIL was venting to me because she doesn’t want her boys involved (they get pretty protective and try to jump in and fix things and with this issue there is nothing that can be changed~she just needed to vent).

I haven’t necessarily been in the best place this last week anyway.

Yesterday a friend called to tell me she was pregnant.

This morning I saw another friend who is pregnant and has my same due date. It was really hard to see her and be happy for her. It was hard to actually SEE how pregnant I should be right now! I was so jealous I could just spit!

I am sitting here at Grammy's house. It is empty and I am waiting for the bank appraiser to show for the sale. It is so sad to be in the house now but it is the perfect place to sit and cry.

My heart just hurts today. It hurts for me but it hurts for my MIL as well. She has been through so much in the last year and I think now with the wedding over and her mother's house being sold all the sh*t is coming to a culmination and the grief is really settling in.

It is what it is and I can’t change the situation but I still wish I could. I know God knows best but today I am praying for a wisdom and peace.

Quiet Monday Morning

Feeling Quiet
Hearing Silence

I’m still here…just not wanting to write much.

It’s been a busy few weeks for us and I will post a great big picture filled entry soon but I wasn’t feeling like that is the post I am supposed to write today. On this Memorial Day this entry is what has poured out of me...

My days have been filled with activities and fun but the sorrow is still there lying in wait…grabbing me unaware and still capable of taking my breath away, bringing me to my knees and making my heart feel like it has broken anew. There are times I feel like I am in a bottomless well of sadness and I can’t get out.

Most days are good days.

I am able to focus on all of the great things in my life. I count my blessings but in doing so it sometimes makes it worse. In the celebration of all the wonderful things I already have in my life mainly the wonderful child I was already given it makes the pain of not having other children more real. I have a child yet still covet others.

I have read in more than one place that having a miscarriage is like losing a dream and this is real on so many levels. The most glaring part is when you have a miscarriage all you really have left to mourn is the dream of the life you would have had with your baby. To lose a child before birth is to lose a dream, a hope, and for me I lost a part of myself each time. I am mourning a dream~a vision of what might have been~a dream of the life I thought I’d have. My babies were loved from the moment I first dreamt them.

My BFF Jen sent me a journal link yesterday about a woman who lost her baby shortly after birth.

Bring The Rain

I was not having a good day yesterday and started to read it and couldn’t. It was too painful. Last night I tried again and read her whole journal. Her faith in God is what made Jen send it to me.

Her faith in God is what I want for myself.

I want to trust that everything is going to be just as it should be. I want to feel that I have a true relationship with God. I want to talk to him and feel that he is listening to me. I want to hear his voice in my everyday life. I don’t feel that way right now and that is perhaps the most heartbreaking thing for me about all of this. I have not lost my faith but I somehow feel I am not enough. I pray but often feel my prayers aren’t good enough. Why don’t I feel the hand of God guiding me? I don’t feel his presence in my life and I am lost.

Words that are not my own but so capture what I am feeling today.

In the Face of Fertility Challenges

Lord, help me to know that You are enough.
Take my eyes off of myself.
Take my eyes off of the child I desire.
Help me to delight myself in You.
Mold the desires of my heart to be in line with Your will.
I don't want to need to be a mother more than I need to be your humble, obedient child.
I don't want wanting to have a baby to be a stumbling block between You and me anymore.

Lord, I want to give this desire, this drive, this ache up to You.
Help me not to snatch it back as I so often do with the burdens I place in Your hands.
Help me to be truly content with Your will and Your timing.
Lord, You know that I still desire a baby - someone to mold, teach, train, shape, guide, and help to grow in You.
But until the day You give me that joyous blessing, help me to grow in You. Let me reach out to those around me.
Let me witness and minister to the children You place in my path.

Lord, if adoption is the path You would have us take, prepare our hearts, and prepare the child who will share our home.
If adoption is not Your will for our lives, keep me from pushing ahead of Your plan.
Help me to stay submitted to my husband's will, and to Your will.
If we are headed in the wrong direction, change our hearts.

Thank You for lifting my burden.
Help me to keep You first!
Let me seek Your face daily, and let me know that You are enough!

--Jennifer Saake