Monday, March 9, 2009

What is...

Feeling Reflective
Hearing Silence

It is hard to believe that this time last year I was carrying the most wonderful secret of being pregnant.

I was so happy yet terrified at the same time.

I can't believe it's been almost a year since I lost that baby.

It is so true that time does heal. There were times last year that I really didn't think I was ever going to be okay with it.

But I am. In the last few months I have yet again found a peace and an acceptance with it.

I still long to hold the babies I have lost but I am okay with not having another baby.

With the new year this year I made a recommitment to my family...my family as it is now. I had to finally give up the idea of the family I had dreamed of and in doing so I realized how content I was with the family I have. Three is a magic number. I truly am beyond blessed. I know this in my heart and know that God's plan for me and my family is better than any plan I could ever dream of.

Knowing this does not take away the fact that I am sure there will be bad days. Days where I ache for the babies I lost and though I know they are dancing in heaven it does not make me wish any less that I had had a moment to hold each of them here on earth.

We have decided not to do any addtional fertility treatments. We aren't necessarily trying to get pregnant but we aren't doing anything to prevent it.


I have moved on from the "What if?" and am living in the "What is."

4 comments:

  1. (((Erin))) I know it is a hard thing.....I always said infertility was like an old friend that came to visit that you didn't want around; some times the visits were short and other things long and hard to deal with; I found the older I got the visits came less often and were not so intense and then it no longer was such a big issue or a sad issue but more of an acceptance issue. I think you are at that point with accepting what you have and being grateful of it; it is a good place to be but I know you will have your days.....hugs to you!

    betty

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  2. Time truly is a great healer Erin. You are such a wonderful mom. You'll be able to hold your babies again one day and be able to bring them up. I know this with a certainty. XXOO

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  3. I'm hear, much love and thought your way, Hugs, Cass

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  4. And your "what is" happens to be marvelous :-). I know your son is the center of your life; what a beautiful center to behold. In the past I am sure you've spend vast tracts of time wandering the path of what if?(as we all do in one way or another), but I am so very glad you've come to a place of more acceptance. ~Mary

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