Thursday, March 12, 2009

So much for being okay

Feeling Heartache
Hearing The Prince in the tub

I just spent the longest meal of my life staring at the most beautiful baby. Tonight was a PTO family night at one of the local restaurants. We always try to go to these nights to support the school, to help our PTO and to support our local restaurants.

So...being a PTO event there were a lot of the PTO moms there. Including her with her beautiful baby boy. I could not take my eyes away from him. I hope she didn't notice me coveting her baby. I tried to look away but I found my eyes were drawn to him over and over again. I don't see this mom very much at school anymore. That is a good thing. She will always be a sort of reminder of what I so very much wanted. A reminder of a lost dream and a broken heart.

I looked at my family during the meal and found myself lost in how different things could be right now if I hadn't lost that baby. I'd have an almost six month old as well as The Prince. My life would be such a different life that I can't even really imagine it anymore.

My heart still aches for that life. I can't escape that ache.


  1. I understand tensions radiating from this for you...but I also know you value the life you do have so very much. You joke about being a slacker mom, but you are no pro forma person. You are a wonderful mother and this family you have, this life you have, is damn good.
    With that said, of course, I cannot know how you really feel or how much it truly pains you, but I can know you need to give yourself credit for the wonderful mother you are now.

  2. I like what Mary said; she always has a good way with words; (((Erin))) like I said before, it will be an old friend that comes to visit when you don't want it to visit....I'm so sorry.....I know it is hard to deal with (and the enemy will know this and he will use this so much against you to bring you down and depress you, try not to let him win)

    hugs to you


  3. You are such a beautiful person. You are an amazing mother... I have learned to embrace the babies I generally snuggle at work... instead of letting anger or fear sneak in. It's often easy to get caught up in what if?
    But... all it really means is that we have lost something, something is missing. And it hurts. And, that's okay. Grieving what is not is only telling me that you have a mother's love... that crosses the barriers of time.

    you are amazing.