Bitter much?

Feeling Sad
Hearing The Today Show

I am feeling very emotional this morning.

I am not sure what triggered it but I am very weepy.

The bitterness has been creeping in a bit this month.

Not entirely unexpected...I should be over 38 weeks right now.

I should be miserably huge right now. I should be bitching about being pregnant and how I can't wait to get this baby out of me. I should be counting down the minutes until I meet a precious new life.

Instead I am still trying to get pregnant. I went to the doctor earlier this month to "reregulate" my cycle. I feel like we are starting over. I feel like we are running out of time. I am so mad about it!

I see a woman I am in the PTO with everyday walking up to school to pick up her kids. She is WAY pregnant and has what should be MY due date. I was talking to her and another mother last week and she was complaining about all her symptoms. I had to excuse myself. I could not hear another word. Around most pregnant people I am fine but for some reason I am extremely resentful towards this woman. There is no rhyme or reason (except the due date thing). It makes me feel like such a horrible person.

I am crying and praying this morning.

Praying for peace to settle in my heart.

D@mn Lisa Marie Presley

Feeling Quiet
Hearing Nada

Lisa Marie Presley announced the names of her twin girls today (Harper & Finley). How in the world did she pick both of MY girl names? I know it is crazy how possessive I feel about these names but I can't help it!

My Monthly Heartbreak

Feeling Quiet
Hearing Football on tv

I have another blog ( Gillie Time ) and have from time to time touched on my desire to have another child and all the heartbreak that goes with it.

The main focus of that blog is my need to share the joy that is my life. :) There have been times that I have started to write something in respect to the baby fever and stopped myself because I did not feel that Gillie Time was the appropriate forum for those "rants".

I have copied all my "infertility" and "miscarriage" entries from Gillie Time to this blog and will use this blog to talk about that aspect of my life.

So here it is...the dirty and ugly side of me...My Monthly Heartbreak.

Milestones

Feeling Jealous
Hearing Rich Mullins~Hold Me Jesus

Pregnancy is a celebration of dates.

Every week and every month mean big happy changes.

After a miscarriage those same celebrations become silent markers of what might have been.

I would be over five months pregnant now.

I would be nice and round and getting fat!

I would be thinking about decorating the nursery instead of obsessing about my bathroom and new closet.

These markers tick by every month until what would have been my due date.

Then there are the two "anniversaries" that are never forgotten.

Due Date and Miscarriage Date.

Both dates are forever written on my heart.

This week is three years since my first miscarriage.

It is hard to believe that had that not happened I would have a two and a half year old right now!

I truly believe things happen the way they are supposed to but it does not stop me from questioning God and asking Why? Why? Why?

I am really working on being happy and content with my life.

Most days I am.

I have moved on somewhat.

I put all the grieving and miscarriage books away (I may need to get them back out though).

I try and focus on being present and engaged in my life right now…but some days it is harder than others.

I spent a lot of time on the phone with my MIL yesterday. She was very upset about something and I was letting her vent. I am glad we have such a good relationship (especially because I do not have one with my own mother) and that I can be there for her but it is easy to get sucked into the negativity. She shared a lot of stuff (good and bad) and was on quite a rant. I listened. I soothed. I tried to help her as best I knew how and when I got off the phone with her last night I was in a funk.

I talked to Hubby a bit about it but I didn’t want to detail too much of the drama with him because MIL was venting to me because she doesn’t want her boys involved (they get pretty protective and try to jump in and fix things and with this issue there is nothing that can be changed~she just needed to vent).

I haven’t necessarily been in the best place this last week anyway.

Yesterday a friend called to tell me she was pregnant.

This morning I saw another friend who is pregnant and has my same due date. It was really hard to see her and be happy for her. It was hard to actually SEE how pregnant I should be right now! I was so jealous I could just spit!

I am sitting here at Grammy's house. It is empty and I am waiting for the bank appraiser to show for the sale. It is so sad to be in the house now but it is the perfect place to sit and cry.

My heart just hurts today. It hurts for me but it hurts for my MIL as well. She has been through so much in the last year and I think now with the wedding over and her mother's house being sold all the sh*t is coming to a culmination and the grief is really settling in.

It is what it is and I can’t change the situation but I still wish I could. I know God knows best but today I am praying for a wisdom and peace.

Quiet Monday Morning

Feeling Quiet
Hearing Silence

I’m still here…just not wanting to write much.

It’s been a busy few weeks for us and I will post a great big picture filled entry soon but I wasn’t feeling like that is the post I am supposed to write today. On this Memorial Day this entry is what has poured out of me...

My days have been filled with activities and fun but the sorrow is still there lying in wait…grabbing me unaware and still capable of taking my breath away, bringing me to my knees and making my heart feel like it has broken anew. There are times I feel like I am in a bottomless well of sadness and I can’t get out.

Most days are good days.

I am able to focus on all of the great things in my life. I count my blessings but in doing so it sometimes makes it worse. In the celebration of all the wonderful things I already have in my life mainly the wonderful child I was already given it makes the pain of not having other children more real. I have a child yet still covet others.

I have read in more than one place that having a miscarriage is like losing a dream and this is real on so many levels. The most glaring part is when you have a miscarriage all you really have left to mourn is the dream of the life you would have had with your baby. To lose a child before birth is to lose a dream, a hope, and for me I lost a part of myself each time. I am mourning a dream~a vision of what might have been~a dream of the life I thought I’d have. My babies were loved from the moment I first dreamt them.

My BFF Jen sent me a journal link yesterday about a woman who lost her baby shortly after birth.

Bring The Rain

I was not having a good day yesterday and started to read it and couldn’t. It was too painful. Last night I tried again and read her whole journal. Her faith in God is what made Jen send it to me.

Her faith in God is what I want for myself.

I want to trust that everything is going to be just as it should be. I want to feel that I have a true relationship with God. I want to talk to him and feel that he is listening to me. I want to hear his voice in my everyday life. I don’t feel that way right now and that is perhaps the most heartbreaking thing for me about all of this. I have not lost my faith but I somehow feel I am not enough. I pray but often feel my prayers aren’t good enough. Why don’t I feel the hand of God guiding me? I don’t feel his presence in my life and I am lost.

Words that are not my own but so capture what I am feeling today.

In the Face of Fertility Challenges

Lord, help me to know that You are enough.
Take my eyes off of myself.
Take my eyes off of the child I desire.
Help me to delight myself in You.
Mold the desires of my heart to be in line with Your will.
I don't want to need to be a mother more than I need to be your humble, obedient child.
I don't want wanting to have a baby to be a stumbling block between You and me anymore.

Lord, I want to give this desire, this drive, this ache up to You.
Help me not to snatch it back as I so often do with the burdens I place in Your hands.
Help me to be truly content with Your will and Your timing.
Lord, You know that I still desire a baby - someone to mold, teach, train, shape, guide, and help to grow in You.
But until the day You give me that joyous blessing, help me to grow in You. Let me reach out to those around me.
Let me witness and minister to the children You place in my path.

Lord, if adoption is the path You would have us take, prepare our hearts, and prepare the child who will share our home.
If adoption is not Your will for our lives, keep me from pushing ahead of Your plan.
Help me to stay submitted to my husband's will, and to Your will.
If we are headed in the wrong direction, change our hearts.

Thank You for lifting my burden.
Help me to keep You first!
Let me seek Your face daily, and let me know that You are enough!

--Jennifer Saake

The Results

Feeling Happy
Hearing Weezer~Pork and Beans

I got all my test results back and they didn’t find anything.

I guess that is good news…obviously you don’t want anything to be wrong with you but on the other hand if they did find something then maybe we could figure out why I miscarried.

Oh well…it is what it is!!

Tuesday Morning

Feeling Sad
Hearing Silence

Things have been busy here and are back to normal schedule wise. I am still a bit of an emotional mess but I am good at faking it.

I feel like I am in recovery…it’s a take it one day at a time kind of thing. Each day brings a fresh perspective. I don’t know if I am gonna have a good day or a bad day but at least I am gonna have a day.

Everything is still very jumbled…my days are kind of running together. I still have a tightness in my chest and a heaviness in my heart.

I have been able to cry and I cry a lot. I cry in the car. I cry at night. I cry at commercials and movies and books.

My nerves are raw and I feel exposed all the time. It is a very unnerving feeling.

It is also pretty difficult as it has been three weeks since the miscarriage and by now most people have forgotten it and assume I am okay and have moved on.

Obviously I have not moved on.

The shock of everything has finally worn off and now I am sad and angry. Sad for what we’ve lost as a family and angry at the unfairness of the loss of what might have been.

I am just trying to heal my broken heart.

Prayer After Miscarriage or Stillbirth
By Sandy Eisenberg Sasso

God, we are weary and grieved.
We were anticipating the birth of a child, but the promise of life was ended too soon.
Our arms yearned to cradle new life, our mouths to sing soft lullabies.
Our hearts ache from the emptiness and the silence.
We are saddened and we are angry.
We weep and we mourn.
Weep with us, God, Creator of Life, for the life that could not be.
Source of healing, help us to find healing among those who care for us and those for whom we care.
Shelter us under wings of love and help us to stand up again for life even as we mourn our loss.

To test or not to test

Feeling Anxious
Hearing Days Of Our Lives

To test or not to test…what a big question.

I had my follow-up appointment this morning. It went very well.

The doctor was able to answer some of our questions but of course not the BIG question~WHY?

Then we got to the testing question. Most doctors want you to wait until you have three miscarriages before they start talking about testing but my doctor gives you the choice after two miscarriages.

He did indicate that the chance that I would miscarry three times in a row is still pretty minimal. Of course I am thinking that the chance I would miscarry a second time was less than 5% and that didn’t exactly work out. The chance of miscarriage after hearing the heartbeat and in the second trimester is approximately 1 to 5% & I hit that one too!

Hubby and I had discussed the testing and neither of us was ready to do anything overly invasive at this point. We did quite a bit of testing in our infertility workup but that was 10 years ago.

After talking to the doctor we all decided we would do the recurrent miscarriage blood workup and go from there. The workup tests for a bunch of different things (thyroid, autoimmune disorders, etc.). It basically helps to rule out a bunch of things.

He sent me over to the hospital to get my blood drawn and then decided to schedule me for a mammogram (to get a baseline due to family history) at the same time. Aren’t I lucky!?!

Hubby and I went to lunch so I could hydrate myself before giving blood. I am a very bad stick but know if I am hydrated it is a bit easier.

Thank goodness I thought ahead…they took FOURTEEN vials of blood!!! Apparently every test the do needs its own vial of blood! It took forever and my arm aches right now! The mammogram wasn’t too bad~not pleasant but it went fairly fast.

I should have my results next week from all testing. Fingers crossed…except I am not sure what to hope for…to find something that is the cause of my miscarriages or to not find anything.

The Prince on babies

Feeling Quiet
Hearing Something on the Bluegrass music channel (The Prince's pick)

My friend Michelle had her baby today.

Surprisingly it did not make me too sad.

The Prince on the other hand is another story.

I showed him the pictures and he was quiet for a long while.

Then he softly asked me “Mom, has our chance to have another baby passed?”

I told him that I didn’t know.

“Doesn’t God think we would be good to a baby?”

I paused to think about what to say but then told him that God has a plan for each of us and sometimes even when we really want something badly God knows a reason why we shouldn’t have it. We just have to be patient and wait to see what God has in store for us.

He broke my already broken heart.

That is until he said “Maybe, it’s a good thing we don’t have a baby. If we had a baby, you guys wouldn’t be able to pay as much attention to ME! I really LOVE being the center of attention!!”

Center of attention~I thought that was MOI!! I told him he was probably right, that babies do take up a lot of time but if we did have another baby we would still make special time just for him.

Then he said “I don’t think I want a baby. I would like a little brother that is close to my age but a baby wouldn’t be close to my age. Besides, babies are noisy and cry and eat a lot. I would have to be quiet all the time and I wouldn’t be able to leave my toys out everywhere because the baby might choke on them. I have friends at school who complain about how much their little brothers bug them all the time. I just don't need all that STRESS!!”

Stress...LOL!! He's 8 and worried about stress! We talked for a few minutes about the way a baby changes everything.

He went back to playing with his toys and I heard him quietly say to himself “It sure would be nice to have a baby though.”

From his lips to God's ears.

Friday Morning

Feeling Quiet
Hearing Silence

On a day to day (or hour to hour) basis I think I am doing okay.

I still feel on the verge of tears almost all the time but just can’t seem to let it all out.

I am trying to make myself leave the house every day so I am not all cocooned in the bedroom.

On Tuesday I went out to lunch and shopping with my MIL to start the preparations for my future SIL’s wedding shower.

Wednesday I did my grocery shopping. I had not done the shopping for ages. I kept putting it off and then I started having pregnancy complications so Hubby was going to the grocery for me. It was quite an expensive trip as we needed just about everything!

Yesterday I went and got a massage. I had hoped the massage would relieve some of the stress and tension I was feeling and maybe I would be able to have a good cry and it did help a little but not enough.

Today I am supposed to go to lunch with a friend (I haven’t heard form her today yet though) and I am getting a hair cut.

We had a good evening last night. The Prince had piano lessons and is getting ready for the spring recital. Hubby made YUMMY turkey burgers and fries for dinner (I made pasta salad!). We had some much needed family hot tub time! The Prince has been a bit neglected lately so it was nice to just focus on him and Hubby.

I have been able to talk about things without crying. I have had quite a few conversations about the miscarriage this week (MIL, SIL and different friends).

As I said, I think overall I am doing okay~or so I thought…last night I opened a pudding cup and then dropped it. I burst in to tears and started crying hysterically. On second thought~maybe I'm not so okay.

Things have hit me in different ways. This miscarriage has been easier in some ways and harder in others.

Physically it has been easier as I knew what to expect. The only symptom I am having is I am so exhausted. I know that the hysterical crying and tiredness and other aches and pains are mainly due to out of control hormones. Knowing it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with!

Emotionally it has been more difficult on many levels. I am finding out that I never really dealt with all my emotions from our first miscarriage. It happened so quickly and unexpectedly and there were so many other things going on in my life at the time that I just moved on and kind of closed the door on the grief. I thought I had grieved at the time but looking back I realize I really didn’t. I didn’t really know I could. There is such a cloud of secrecy around miscarriage that I felt I was being irrational at the time when I felt so badly. I had plenty of people to support me but didn’t know how to grieve. So I never did.

This time around (as I am now dealing with both losses) I am using all available resources. I have been reading books and online articles. I have used the internet a lot lately reading medical articles or people’s blogs who have been through this. The difference this time around is on the support side. We didn’t tell many people I was pregnant so only those people know about the miscarriage. I have received some support but I think because I have been through it before people think I don’t need as much from them. I can’t be upset because people are only doing what they know how to do but it is still hard. All my reading has made me feel a bit less isolated after feeling a little let down by my friends and family.

Writing in this journal does the same thing. I am able to express what I am feeling at any given moment. It helps when I write it down but it also helps when I go back and read it. For me having my thoughts in writing give them a bit of validation...validation of my grief...validation of my loss...it validates ME!

The Empty Womb
By Jill Lemming

I carried you so lovingly,
within my gentle womb...
and little did I realize,
your life would end too soon.

I never got the chance to say
"I love you, little one"...
before I held you in my arms,
your life on earth was done.

The grief is indescribable,
to lose a child this way...
all the many hopes and dreams,
just vanished on that day.

I know I'll see the sun shine bright
upon my baby's face...
when I finally get to heaven,
all my pain will be erased.

We'll soar the skies together,
as angels two by two...
we'll have a sweet reunion;
this mother's dream come true.

Tuesday Morning

Feeling Quiet
Hearing R.E.M.

I am still feeling pretty numb. I can’t focus on anything. It all seems so unreal. Last week I was pregnant. Last week I had a new life growing inside me. This week I do not.

I was reminded this morning that I would be 10 weeks today by an e-mail. I thought I had unsubscribed to all those pregnancy week by week e-mails I had subscribed to when I found out I was pregnant. I missed one. I packed up all my pregnancy books and they have been replaced by books on miscarriage, grief and coping. I have gathered up all my pregnancy magazines and will leave them at the doctor’s office when I go next week.

Yesterday went okay. I didn’t do much. I read a little and took a nap until it was time to pick up The Prince from school.

The bright spot of my day was a beautiful flower arrangement from my friend Holly.

Aren’t they amazing!?!

She is such a good friend!

THANKS HOLLY!!!

Hubby is still pretty concerned about me but I can tell he is at a loss at what to do.

I am meeting my MIL for lunch today at a restaurant we are thinking about having a bridal shower at. I am trying to plan to go do something everyday or I wouldn’t leave the house except to pick up The Prince. I am not really sad today just blah. It’s an odd feeling.

I think I have shared this before in an entry when my friend Holly had her miscarriage but I wanted to share it again.

MISCARRIAGE PRAYER
By Mother M. Angelica

My Lord, the baby is dead!

Why, my Lord, dare I ask why?

It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face.

It will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise.

Why, my Lord?

“Why, My child, do you ask ‘why’?

Well, I will tell you why.

You see, the child lives.

Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne.

Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty, he sees My face.

He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor.

He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth.

He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess.

My ways are not the ways of man.

I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another.

He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits.

He has never seen pain or sin.

He has never felt hunger or pain.

I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.”

I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love.

I speak as a fool, forgive me.

I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death.

I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity.