Wish

Feeling Envy
Hearing The Prince piano practice

I held a baby today...

A beautiful, happy, squishy, healthy, fat baby.

I held a baby today...

And oh how I wish he was mine.

So much for being okay

Feeling Heartache
Hearing The Prince in the tub

I just spent the longest meal of my life staring at the most beautiful baby. Tonight was a PTO family night at one of the local restaurants. We always try to go to these nights to support the school, to help our PTO and to support our local restaurants.

So...being a PTO event there were a lot of the PTO moms there. Including her with her beautiful baby boy. I could not take my eyes away from him. I hope she didn't notice me coveting her baby. I tried to look away but I found my eyes were drawn to him over and over again. I don't see this mom very much at school anymore. That is a good thing. She will always be a sort of reminder of what I so very much wanted. A reminder of a lost dream and a broken heart.

I looked at my family during the meal and found myself lost in how different things could be right now if I hadn't lost that baby. I'd have an almost six month old as well as The Prince. My life would be such a different life that I can't even really imagine it anymore.

My heart still aches for that life. I can't escape that ache.

What is...

Feeling Reflective
Hearing Silence

It is hard to believe that this time last year I was carrying the most wonderful secret of being pregnant.

I was so happy yet terrified at the same time.

I can't believe it's been almost a year since I lost that baby.

It is so true that time does heal. There were times last year that I really didn't think I was ever going to be okay with it.

But I am. In the last few months I have yet again found a peace and an acceptance with it.

I still long to hold the babies I have lost but I am okay with not having another baby.

With the new year this year I made a recommitment to my family...my family as it is now. I had to finally give up the idea of the family I had dreamed of and in doing so I realized how content I was with the family I have. Three is a magic number. I truly am beyond blessed. I know this in my heart and know that God's plan for me and my family is better than any plan I could ever dream of.

Knowing this does not take away the fact that I am sure there will be bad days. Days where I ache for the babies I lost and though I know they are dancing in heaven it does not make me wish any less that I had had a moment to hold each of them here on earth.

We have decided not to do any addtional fertility treatments. We aren't necessarily trying to get pregnant but we aren't doing anything to prevent it.

I have moved on from the "What if?" and am living in the "What is."

Reflection

Feeling Blue
Hearing Silence

Hubby & The Prince are out and about and I am alone this morning.

Alone with my thoughts.

Today was my due date three years ago.

I should have a three year old birthday party to get ready for. I should be stressed and tearing my hair out to have a party so soon after Christmas and with a fairly newborn baby in the mix.

Though I am feeling a bit lost in "what might have been" thoughts I am nonetheless feeling very happy.

It's a new year with new hope.

I am not sure what to hope and pray for now.

As I (and The Prince) get older the practicality of another baby diminishes. My life as it is now holds great joy and comfort and I start to get fearful of "overturning the applecart" so to speak.

So I leave it as an open ended prayer and wish for the year...

I hope and pray 2009 brings joy and happiness and growth like I could never imagine for myself and my family.