Out of the blue

Feeling Reflective
Hearing Rick Springfield~The First Noel

Thanksgiving was interesting. I was in the shower after a mad cleaning session before our company showed up and I had a very vivid memory. When I first found out my due date the first thing Hubby & I laughed about was how thankful we would be this Thanksgiving. I daydreamed a bit about the baby that should be here with us. I was sad but am starting not to crumble whenever my mind wanders like that.

Until this morning...

I had a dentist appointment first thing this morning. I was in the chair waiting for the hygienist and when she walked in the first thing she asked all excitedly "So, did you have a boy or a girl??" Talk about out of the blue. I gasped and answered quietly "Neither." She was mortified and didn't know what to say (outside of a quick "I'm sorry") so I quickly started babbling about the snow and the drive in to the office to change the subject and make her feel better. Again, my mind wandered to my last appointment and how excited I was about the baby. I didn't have x-rays done and had scheduled my next appointment for after my due date. My heart beat quickly through the whole appointment. It took all I had to keep it together in the appointment but I managed not to break down in tears.

The first few months after the miscarriage there were quite a few of these incidents...but I kinda always knew to expect them. I can't think of anyone else who knew I was pregnant that I have not seen since the miscarriage. I sure hope this is the last one.

Seriously?

Feeling Quiet
Hearing The dishwasher

I've been somewhat able to move on lately. My mind has not been as obsessed with babies since my due date has past. I was feeling pretty good.

Then last night I heard that Hubby's cousin is pregnant...AGAIN. This is her fourth in less than four years.

Seriously?!?

I was stunned. She just had a baby at the end of June. I am a little bitter. Unfortunately, in my heart her life is a little entangled in my miscarriage past. I was pregnant at her baby shower in July 3 years ago. I soon miscarried after that. Since that first miscarriage she has had THREE babies while I have had two miscarriages and now she is pregnant again. WTH?? It so brings back the chorus of "What about me????"

Realistically it's not like I'm jealous of that situation. I would in no way want four babies under the age of four. It just stings a little and totally makes my heart hurt!

I am sure my MIL will be feeling it as well. Her brother is the grandfather to all these babies and he has gone from no grandchildren to what will be 7 in less than 4 years. That family has three boys and one girl and all the boys are married and have just started popping out babies. The daughter is getting married in the spring so I am sure she'll be pregnant soon after. They are a fertile bunch. :) Poor Mar...she has only the one and is desperate for more grandchildren.

I did not sleep well (partly becasue Hubby is gone but also because I could not shut my mind off). and then when I finally fell asleep...I dreamt of babies. I can't escape it.

This feels like such a pity party and I don't want to feel this way. It's totally random how any news of what is going on with her totally knocks me for a loop.

I so need to go drink the kool-aid at their house!

So hard

Feeling Sad
Hearing Quiet

Well...here it is. My due date.

I am not sure what I expected to feel today but I did not expect it to feel like this.

I am feeling totally decimated...almost like this loss is happening all over again.

I kind of already knew that my real healing could not start until after my due date.

I no longer need to look at every pregnant women and wonder how pregnant she is for a comparison. Each week ticking by will no longer mean the same thing. I now have a totally different set of dates...the what if dates.

I have had this experience before. I don't know if it is because I am alone today that it feels harder than last time.

I sit here and cry and pray and cry and pray.

I knew this date would be hard. I just did not expect it to be this hard.

Bitter much?

Feeling Sad
Hearing The Today Show

I am feeling very emotional this morning.

I am not sure what triggered it but I am very weepy.

The bitterness has been creeping in a bit this month.

Not entirely unexpected...I should be over 38 weeks right now.

I should be miserably huge right now. I should be bitching about being pregnant and how I can't wait to get this baby out of me. I should be counting down the minutes until I meet a precious new life.

Instead I am still trying to get pregnant. I went to the doctor earlier this month to "reregulate" my cycle. I feel like we are starting over. I feel like we are running out of time. I am so mad about it!

I see a woman I am in the PTO with everyday walking up to school to pick up her kids. She is WAY pregnant and has what should be MY due date. I was talking to her and another mother last week and she was complaining about all her symptoms. I had to excuse myself. I could not hear another word. Around most pregnant people I am fine but for some reason I am extremely resentful towards this woman. There is no rhyme or reason (except the due date thing). It makes me feel like such a horrible person.

I am crying and praying this morning.

Praying for peace to settle in my heart.

D@mn Lisa Marie Presley

Feeling Quiet
Hearing Nada

Lisa Marie Presley announced the names of her twin girls today (Harper & Finley). How in the world did she pick both of MY girl names? I know it is crazy how possessive I feel about these names but I can't help it!

My Monthly Heartbreak

Feeling Quiet
Hearing Football on tv

I have another blog ( Gillie Time ) and have from time to time touched on my desire to have another child and all the heartbreak that goes with it.

The main focus of that blog is my need to share the joy that is my life. :) There have been times that I have started to write something in respect to the baby fever and stopped myself because I did not feel that Gillie Time was the appropriate forum for those "rants".

I have copied all my "infertility" and "miscarriage" entries from Gillie Time to this blog and will use this blog to talk about that aspect of my life.

So here it is...the dirty and ugly side of me...My Monthly Heartbreak.

Milestones

Feeling Jealous
Hearing Rich Mullins~Hold Me Jesus

Pregnancy is a celebration of dates.

Every week and every month mean big happy changes.

After a miscarriage those same celebrations become silent markers of what might have been.

I would be over five months pregnant now.

I would be nice and round and getting fat!

I would be thinking about decorating the nursery instead of obsessing about my bathroom and new closet.

These markers tick by every month until what would have been my due date.

Then there are the two "anniversaries" that are never forgotten.

Due Date and Miscarriage Date.

Both dates are forever written on my heart.

This week is three years since my first miscarriage.

It is hard to believe that had that not happened I would have a two and a half year old right now!

I truly believe things happen the way they are supposed to but it does not stop me from questioning God and asking Why? Why? Why?

I am really working on being happy and content with my life.

Most days I am.

I have moved on somewhat.

I put all the grieving and miscarriage books away (I may need to get them back out though).

I try and focus on being present and engaged in my life right now…but some days it is harder than others.

I spent a lot of time on the phone with my MIL yesterday. She was very upset about something and I was letting her vent. I am glad we have such a good relationship (especially because I do not have one with my own mother) and that I can be there for her but it is easy to get sucked into the negativity. She shared a lot of stuff (good and bad) and was on quite a rant. I listened. I soothed. I tried to help her as best I knew how and when I got off the phone with her last night I was in a funk.

I talked to Hubby a bit about it but I didn’t want to detail too much of the drama with him because MIL was venting to me because she doesn’t want her boys involved (they get pretty protective and try to jump in and fix things and with this issue there is nothing that can be changed~she just needed to vent).

I haven’t necessarily been in the best place this last week anyway.

Yesterday a friend called to tell me she was pregnant.

This morning I saw another friend who is pregnant and has my same due date. It was really hard to see her and be happy for her. It was hard to actually SEE how pregnant I should be right now! I was so jealous I could just spit!

I am sitting here at Grammy's house. It is empty and I am waiting for the bank appraiser to show for the sale. It is so sad to be in the house now but it is the perfect place to sit and cry.

My heart just hurts today. It hurts for me but it hurts for my MIL as well. She has been through so much in the last year and I think now with the wedding over and her mother's house being sold all the sh*t is coming to a culmination and the grief is really settling in.

It is what it is and I can’t change the situation but I still wish I could. I know God knows best but today I am praying for a wisdom and peace.

Quiet Monday Morning

Feeling Quiet
Hearing Silence

I’m still here…just not wanting to write much.

It’s been a busy few weeks for us and I will post a great big picture filled entry soon but I wasn’t feeling like that is the post I am supposed to write today. On this Memorial Day this entry is what has poured out of me...

My days have been filled with activities and fun but the sorrow is still there lying in wait…grabbing me unaware and still capable of taking my breath away, bringing me to my knees and making my heart feel like it has broken anew. There are times I feel like I am in a bottomless well of sadness and I can’t get out.

Most days are good days.

I am able to focus on all of the great things in my life. I count my blessings but in doing so it sometimes makes it worse. In the celebration of all the wonderful things I already have in my life mainly the wonderful child I was already given it makes the pain of not having other children more real. I have a child yet still covet others.

I have read in more than one place that having a miscarriage is like losing a dream and this is real on so many levels. The most glaring part is when you have a miscarriage all you really have left to mourn is the dream of the life you would have had with your baby. To lose a child before birth is to lose a dream, a hope, and for me I lost a part of myself each time. I am mourning a dream~a vision of what might have been~a dream of the life I thought I’d have. My babies were loved from the moment I first dreamt them.

My BFF Jen sent me a journal link yesterday about a woman who lost her baby shortly after birth.

Bring The Rain

I was not having a good day yesterday and started to read it and couldn’t. It was too painful. Last night I tried again and read her whole journal. Her faith in God is what made Jen send it to me.

Her faith in God is what I want for myself.

I want to trust that everything is going to be just as it should be. I want to feel that I have a true relationship with God. I want to talk to him and feel that he is listening to me. I want to hear his voice in my everyday life. I don’t feel that way right now and that is perhaps the most heartbreaking thing for me about all of this. I have not lost my faith but I somehow feel I am not enough. I pray but often feel my prayers aren’t good enough. Why don’t I feel the hand of God guiding me? I don’t feel his presence in my life and I am lost.

Words that are not my own but so capture what I am feeling today.

In the Face of Fertility Challenges

Lord, help me to know that You are enough.
Take my eyes off of myself.
Take my eyes off of the child I desire.
Help me to delight myself in You.
Mold the desires of my heart to be in line with Your will.
I don't want to need to be a mother more than I need to be your humble, obedient child.
I don't want wanting to have a baby to be a stumbling block between You and me anymore.

Lord, I want to give this desire, this drive, this ache up to You.
Help me not to snatch it back as I so often do with the burdens I place in Your hands.
Help me to be truly content with Your will and Your timing.
Lord, You know that I still desire a baby - someone to mold, teach, train, shape, guide, and help to grow in You.
But until the day You give me that joyous blessing, help me to grow in You. Let me reach out to those around me.
Let me witness and minister to the children You place in my path.

Lord, if adoption is the path You would have us take, prepare our hearts, and prepare the child who will share our home.
If adoption is not Your will for our lives, keep me from pushing ahead of Your plan.
Help me to stay submitted to my husband's will, and to Your will.
If we are headed in the wrong direction, change our hearts.

Thank You for lifting my burden.
Help me to keep You first!
Let me seek Your face daily, and let me know that You are enough!

--Jennifer Saake

The Results

Feeling Happy
Hearing Weezer~Pork and Beans

I got all my test results back and they didn’t find anything.

I guess that is good news…obviously you don’t want anything to be wrong with you but on the other hand if they did find something then maybe we could figure out why I miscarried.

Oh well…it is what it is!!

Tuesday Morning

Feeling Sad
Hearing Silence

Things have been busy here and are back to normal schedule wise. I am still a bit of an emotional mess but I am good at faking it.

I feel like I am in recovery…it’s a take it one day at a time kind of thing. Each day brings a fresh perspective. I don’t know if I am gonna have a good day or a bad day but at least I am gonna have a day.

Everything is still very jumbled…my days are kind of running together. I still have a tightness in my chest and a heaviness in my heart.

I have been able to cry and I cry a lot. I cry in the car. I cry at night. I cry at commercials and movies and books.

My nerves are raw and I feel exposed all the time. It is a very unnerving feeling.

It is also pretty difficult as it has been three weeks since the miscarriage and by now most people have forgotten it and assume I am okay and have moved on.

Obviously I have not moved on.

The shock of everything has finally worn off and now I am sad and angry. Sad for what we’ve lost as a family and angry at the unfairness of the loss of what might have been.

I am just trying to heal my broken heart.

Prayer After Miscarriage or Stillbirth
By Sandy Eisenberg Sasso

God, we are weary and grieved.
We were anticipating the birth of a child, but the promise of life was ended too soon.
Our arms yearned to cradle new life, our mouths to sing soft lullabies.
Our hearts ache from the emptiness and the silence.
We are saddened and we are angry.
We weep and we mourn.
Weep with us, God, Creator of Life, for the life that could not be.
Source of healing, help us to find healing among those who care for us and those for whom we care.
Shelter us under wings of love and help us to stand up again for life even as we mourn our loss.

To test or not to test

Feeling Anxious
Hearing Days Of Our Lives

To test or not to test…what a big question.

I had my follow-up appointment this morning. It went very well.

The doctor was able to answer some of our questions but of course not the BIG question~WHY?

Then we got to the testing question. Most doctors want you to wait until you have three miscarriages before they start talking about testing but my doctor gives you the choice after two miscarriages.

He did indicate that the chance that I would miscarry three times in a row is still pretty minimal. Of course I am thinking that the chance I would miscarry a second time was less than 5% and that didn’t exactly work out. The chance of miscarriage after hearing the heartbeat and in the second trimester is approximately 1 to 5% & I hit that one too!

Hubby and I had discussed the testing and neither of us was ready to do anything overly invasive at this point. We did quite a bit of testing in our infertility workup but that was 10 years ago.

After talking to the doctor we all decided we would do the recurrent miscarriage blood workup and go from there. The workup tests for a bunch of different things (thyroid, autoimmune disorders, etc.). It basically helps to rule out a bunch of things.

He sent me over to the hospital to get my blood drawn and then decided to schedule me for a mammogram (to get a baseline due to family history) at the same time. Aren’t I lucky!?!

Hubby and I went to lunch so I could hydrate myself before giving blood. I am a very bad stick but know if I am hydrated it is a bit easier.

Thank goodness I thought ahead…they took FOURTEEN vials of blood!!! Apparently every test the do needs its own vial of blood! It took forever and my arm aches right now! The mammogram wasn’t too bad~not pleasant but it went fairly fast.

I should have my results next week from all testing. Fingers crossed…except I am not sure what to hope for…to find something that is the cause of my miscarriages or to not find anything.