Thursday, March 25, 2010

Just Another Day...

Feeling Conflicted
Hearing Silence

My heart just aches today and I am feeling very alone. I do this to myself. I don't tell anyone how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking.

Two years ago I had a miscarriage. So two years & one day ago I was still hopeful. Two years & one day ago I had the most delicious secret. Two years and one day ago I was still pregnant and happy and feeling blessed.

I have been beyond obsessed with wanting to have a baby the last few days. For the most part I really don't think about it anymore. I have a great life and am happy with what I have.

But...

In my most secret dreams...I dream of having another baby. I am really not hopeful about having a another baby anymore. It is just a little wish locked deep in my most secret thoughts.

So today I am sad. Sad for the babies I've lost and for the babies that never will be.

I am sad but I am also dreaming... dreaming of sweet baby cheeks, baby sighs and delightful baby breath.

Sad but dreaming...

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

What a difference a day makes...

Feeling Blessed
Hearing Silence

What a difference a day makes!

After all the heavy heartfelt discussions and big decisions of the past weekend...things looked different to Hubby and me yesterday.

We decided we would hold off on changing anything on our insurance policies or on his person :) for another year.

I do not think either of us was really ready to shelve the baby topic permanently yet (and I do not think he was really ready to make any permanent physical adjustments)!

I am praying for God's continued guidance and wisdom and keeping my fingers crossed (but not my legs...tee hee)!

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Big Decisions

Feeling Sad
Hearing Silence

Hubby and I have had to make some big decisions lately and we made the biggest one today.

With the rising costs of health insurance and the fact that we are self insured we have decided to drop the maternity coverage on our policy. Hubby has also decided to undergo the big V!! The chances are slim that we could even get pregnant but it seems to be the responsible thing to do.

It is almost bittersweet that we made this final decision today. Today was my due date four years ago. We should be celebrating a four year old's birthday and instead we are deciding and celebrating that our family is perfect as is.

I was so devastated four years ago.

I had no idea how I would live through the heartache and despair.

I had no idea what was in store for me.

I had no idea that I would face the death of a loved one, cancer in another loved one and a second miscarriage.

I faced all of that and survived it.

I think Hubby & I were able to make this difficult decision because of what we have been through together the last few years. I also think all of this has made us a much closer family unit.

This decision wasn't easy and I am sure I will second guess myself more than once over the next few months but I am happy we made the decision together.

Moving past the "What if?" has been difficult and I am sure it will continue to be difficult BUT I can also delight in the fact that our "What is" is actually pretty fantastic!!