Cloudy Day

Feeling Sad
Hearing None

I woke up with a cloud of sadness over me this morning. I am planning my day and trying to just stay busy so I do not have a lot of time to think. I don’t want to feel this way.

Quiet

Feeling Quiet
Hearing None

I started to write a really whiny, crying, woe is me entry but I have decided not to subject anyone else to my pity party.

I am just trying to be still and listen to what God is trying to tell me.

Dear Lord~ Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.

Reflection

Feeling Quiet
Hearing Silence

After I miscarried I came across a journal where someone talked about her miscarriage.

Her words were a lifeline I didn’t even know I needed. I have continued to read her journal and waited patiently for her to come back when she took a break from journaling to have a baby. I love reading what she has to say because she writes so beautifully. She is honest and she writes from her heart whether good or bad. She recently started a new journal which is just as honest as the first journal. She is the reason I started my online journal. She made me want to put my thoughts in writing…the good and the bad. I may not write very eloquently and not everyone agrees with what I have to say and my rants are sometimes very “ranty” but the intention to be true to myself is always there.

I have spent a lot of time praying for my friend Holly the last few days because she just had a miscarriage and in those prayers I found a certain peace within myself.

It will be two years on June 20 that I miscarried and I still am blindsided by it at times but not as much as I used to be.

It is very strange to see my girlfriends who were pregnant at the same time I was with their children but it doesn’t hurt as much anymore.

There is still a hole in my heart that yearns for that lost baby as well as a secret place in my soul that aches to have another baby.

That being said I have found that I am really okay with not having another baby. I don’t know where/what/how the change in me happened…but thank God it did.

I have always said that I am grateful for the family I have. I guess I have let go of the family I thought I would have.

I am not saying when certain dates come around or when my friends have happy pregnancy news I won’t be sad or have that yearning for a baby.

I will always miss my angel baby but know that I will hold that baby in heaven.

Growing up Catholic we have a prayer for everything.

When I miscarried I was given this prayer.

I have never looked at it as a prayer but more of a reminder.

I have read it over and over and it always gives me peace.

MISCARRIAGE PRAYER
By Mother M. Angelica

My Lord, the baby is dead!
Why, my Lord, dare I ask why?
It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face.
It will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise.
Why, my Lord?

“Why, My child, do you ask ‘why’?
Well, I will tell you why. You see, the child lives.
Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne.
Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty, he sees My face.
He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor.
He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth.
He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess.
My ways are not the ways of man.
I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another.
He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits.
He has never seen pain or sin.
He has never felt hunger or pain.
I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.”

I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love.
I speak as a fool, forgive me.
I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death.
I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity.

***SECOND DISCLAIMER ON PREVIOUS ENTRY***

Feeling Quiet
Hearing None


The previous entry was a very personal entry for me to write.

I need to say that this entry was in no way directed at anyone who has previously left a comment in my blog.

It truly was my way of helping people understand just a little bit what it is like to deal with infertility.

Even after everything I wrote in the entry I do know that most people mean well and are just grasping for something, anything to say.

Most of all, I am grateful that I have friends to listen to me rant, vent, cry, bitch, whine or whatever about it and have learned long ago to take most comments that irk me with a grain of salt and for what they are...someone's way of letting me know they care about me.

***DISCLAIMER ON PREVIOUS ENTRY***

Feeling Quiet
Hearing Frank Sinatra


I guess I should say that the previous entry is based on my own personal experience.

As I stated EVERY EXPERIENCE IS DIFFERENT so this is what I would want people to know about my infertility.

If you are a friend to someone dealing with infertility all I can suggest is that you ask them what they need from you as a friend.

I do know that the infertile as a whole deal with many of the same emotions, but as my experience is different from others I know, it is different from others that you may know.

Again, thanks for listening and keeping me in your prayers.

***RANT***

Feeling Soapbox
Hearing Nina Simone

I started to begin this post with apologizing for the following rant.

I then decided I have nothing to apologize for.

Please consider this a public service announcement.

EVERY EXPERIENCE IS DIFFERENT!!

I know that many people deal with infertility on a daily basis. I have many online friends whom I talk about this topic with quite frequently. I do not write about this much in my blog or talk about it much with my friends. There is a whole secret language that the TTC (trying to conceive) use and it is easier to talk about it with people who know the lingo. That being said it is still hard for anyone to understand what I am going through even for people who are going through the same thing…because EVERY EXPERIENCE IS DIFFERENT.

Aside from being infertile I have to deal with the fact that people I know who are infertile and have no children somehow perceive me as an impersonator because I have managed to carry a pregnancy to term and have received the most wonderful gift of a beautiful and healthy son. There is that underlying animosity from them that I have a child and they do not. What a joy secondary infertility is.

Saying this in no way means I do not need and appreciate the positive comments and prayers from my friends.

What I do not need is advice. If I had a dollar for every time I heard the following comments...

1. You need to relax. (Really? Who says that to someone?)

2. It will happen if it is meant to happen. (Yeah, you’re right. I didn’t know this until you enlightened me!)

3. You should stop trying and then it will happen. (Seriously? All I need to do is to stop trying and I will magically get pregnant?)

4. Thankfully you already have a child. (Please see #1)

5. Maybe you should take a vacation. (Please see any of the above!)

6. You should think a little more positively. (Oh yeah, it is my negativity that is preventing me from getting pregnant. The very fact that I try again and again should show you I see the positive side of things. If you had dealt with any of this at all you would never say anything like this. If I was not in a positive frame of mind there would be no way I could deal with this month after month without having a psychotic break!)

This is my life and my experience is very different from your cousin, sister, friend (you pick the person) who magically got pregnant after 57 years of trying and without medical intervention. That is great for her but come on, what does telling me that accomplish? I am sure you feel better because you have given me a “ray of hope” that I can cling to. What you’ve actually done is depressed me even further because it compounds my failure.

I was guilty of the above offenses after I had The Prince because *IT* had finally happened to me. But now going through the baby chase again I want to kick myself for all the times I told someone “It will happen for you!” because what did I know? Just because I was able to get pregnant after years of trying and different procedures in no way means I was an expert to be able to advise someone else.

I can not describe the feeling of infertility to a “fertile”. There is no reprieve from the obsession, depression, disappointment, despair, bitterness, rage or the overwhelming hope that this time is the one that is going to stick. I could describe all the medical procedures that the infertile go thru, the money spent, etc. but I can not make a “fertile” understand the pain of infertility.

What I can tell you is what the infertile need from their friends is support not advice.

Please know that if you ask me how it’s going and I say I don’t want to talk about it then respect that. It is hard to talk about.

If I want to talk about it I will and what I am hoping to get back from you is someone to listen to me and not judge.

Please do not tell me of new medical procedures you have heard about as I am sure my doctor and I have covered it and decided whether it was the right path for me.

The best thing you can do as a friend is listen, be supportive, don’t judge and keep me in your prayers.

The only thing you can really say is “I’m sorry you are going through this. Is there anything I can do?”

That is all for my rant. Can you tell that this was all bottled up inside me for quite a while now?

In total contradiction to the above I am not bitter. I am just trying to somehow explain what the infertile are dealing with on a daily basis.

Thanks for listening!!

The Date

Feeling Sad
Hearing James Taylor

I look at a calendar every day.

I know what the date is but today’s “date” kind of snuck up on me.

Today was my due date last year.

I worked really hard to put it out of my mind and then today I was watching the morning news and they do first birthdays which is when you send in a picture to the station and on your baby’s birthday they get their 15 seconds of fame.

It hit me like a ton of bricks.

If I had not had the miscarriage I would be celebrating a first birthday with my little one.

In the last few months I have slowly come to terms with the likely hood that we will not have another child. I am still making my peace with this and I am getting there but the miscarriage still leaves a pretty big hole in my heart.

I thought about it a lot last month. The anesthesiologist who did my appendectomy also did my D&C when I had the miscarriage. It was an odd feeling to see him.

Outwardly today is just another day but in my heart this is my angel baby’s birthday.

Lost

Feeling Sad
Hearing James Taylor

I am feeling like I am at a major crossroads in my life and I have some serious decisions to make.

We are at a critical point on whether to proceed with any fertility stuff on the baby front. It is a very emotional decision for me and I just don’t know if I can go do the fertility stuff again. The highs and lows hormonally as well as the deep depression when another month goes by and still not pregnant. I also do not know if I can go through another miscarriage. It has been well over a year and it still decimates me sometimes. Hubby is completely content with just The Prince but I feel like Hubby and the Prince deserve more.

All this baby stuff is taking a toll on my relationship with Hubby. He tries to fix everything and there is no quick fix to any of this.

But the worst part is I feel like I have lost my way. I am trying to put God first in my life but I am feeling so alone and uninspired. I don’t know how to get back on the path that I have strayed so far from.

Sadness

Feeling Sad
Hearing Quiet

I am feeling very sad today.

It was a very long day and I tried to stay very busy so it would go by quickly.

This is the date last year that I had the miscarriage.

This date in 2005 was one of the most painful (physically and emotionally) days of my life.

I have felt better about things in the last few months and really thought I’d be okay.

Not the case…the date hit my like a ton of bricks this morning.

I can’t really talk about this with anyone as by now of course everyone thinks I should be over it.

I’m not.

Every month that goes by and I’m not pregnant is a little tougher.

I feel guilty for wanting to get pregnant so badly because I don’t want it to sound like that I am not grateful for the beautiful son I already have. I LOVE my son and I LOVE my life but I sometimes feel like a little piece of me dies each month when I find out I am not pregnant again.

I am praying to find peace and praying to find acceptance. I know if it is meant to be it will happen and that everything happens for a reason and is in God’s plan.

Getting over this is just harder than I expected.

Quiet Prayer

Feeling Quiet
Hearing None

God grant me the wisdom to understand and the courage to do what is right.

Can't Sleep

Feeling Sad
Hearing Silence

I am feeling very sad. I can’t sleep.

Today was supposed to be my due date.

I thought I had come to terms with the miscarriage but obviously not so much.

I sit in the room that was supposed to be the baby’s room and feel so empty. The fact that it is still an office seems so wrong.

The holidays took my mind off things temporarily but at times they were very hard. The Crown Prince asked Santa for a baby and in his prayers at night he asks the baby Jesus to send us a baby to love. I have been okay for the most part but am still dealing with the loss and the hopelessness of trying again.

After The Prince turned five we had accepted he would probably be an only child and we were happy with that. Then I got pregnant! I can’t describe the joy I felt. We waited until we were “safe” at 12 weeks and told The Prince. Things were good and then I miscarried at 16 weeks-so much for the “safe” period. I understand that it was not meant to be and all that but it doesn't really make it any easier.

But with the sadness comes guilt.

Guilt that I could have done something different. I know I could not have prevented the miscarriage but the guilt lingers.

Guilt that I am not grateful enough for the wonderful family I already have.

The guilt is almost as bad as the sadness.

I struggle to understand “THE WHY” in all this, but know one day I will.

I take comfort in knowing that we have our own special angel in heaven watching over us…