Hearing Nina Simone
I started to begin this post with apologizing for the following rant.
I then decided I have nothing to apologize for.
Please consider this a public service announcement.
EVERY EXPERIENCE IS DIFFERENT!!
I know that many people deal with infertility on a daily basis. I have many online friends whom I talk about this topic with quite frequently. I do not write about this much in my blog or talk about it much with my friends. There is a whole secret language that the TTC (trying to conceive) use and it is easier to talk about it with people who know the lingo. That being said it is still hard for anyone to understand what I am going through even for people who are going through the same thing…because EVERY EXPERIENCE IS DIFFERENT.
Aside from being infertile I have to deal with the fact that people I know who are infertile and have no children somehow perceive me as an impersonator because I have managed to carry a pregnancy to term and have received the most wonderful gift of a beautiful and healthy son. There is that underlying animosity from them that I have a child and they do not. What a joy secondary infertility is.
Saying this in no way means I do not need and appreciate the positive comments and prayers from my friends.
What I do not need is advice. If I had a dollar for every time I heard the following comments...
1. You need to relax. (Really? Who says that to someone?)
2. It will happen if it is meant to happen. (Yeah, you’re right. I didn’t know this until you enlightened me!)
3. You should stop trying and then it will happen. (Seriously? All I need to do is to stop trying and I will magically get pregnant?)
4. Thankfully you already have a child. (Please see #1)
5. Maybe you should take a vacation. (Please see any of the above!)
6. You should think a little more positively. (Oh yeah, it is my negativity that is preventing me from getting pregnant. The very fact that I try again and again should show you I see the positive side of things. If you had dealt with any of this at all you would never say anything like this. If I was not in a positive frame of mind there would be no way I could deal with this month after month without having a psychotic break!)
This is my life and my experience is very different from your cousin, sister, friend (you pick the person) who magically got pregnant after 57 years of trying and without medical intervention. That is great for her but come on, what does telling me that accomplish? I am sure you feel better because you have given me a “ray of hope” that I can cling to. What you’ve actually done is depressed me even further because it compounds my failure.
I was guilty of the above offenses after I had The Prince because *IT* had finally happened to me. But now going through the baby chase again I want to kick myself for all the times I told someone “It will happen for you!” because what did I know? Just because I was able to get pregnant after years of trying and different procedures in no way means I was an expert to be able to advise someone else.
I can not describe the feeling of infertility to a “fertile”. There is no reprieve from the obsession, depression, disappointment, despair, bitterness, rage or the overwhelming hope that this time is the one that is going to stick. I could describe all the medical procedures that the infertile go thru, the money spent, etc. but I can not make a “fertile” understand the pain of infertility.
What I can tell you is what the infertile need from their friends is support not advice.
Please know that if you ask me how it’s going and I say I don’t want to talk about it then respect that. It is hard to talk about.
If I want to talk about it I will and what I am hoping to get back from you is someone to listen to me and not judge.
Please do not tell me of new medical procedures you have heard about as I am sure my doctor and I have covered it and decided whether it was the right path for me.
The best thing you can do as a friend is listen, be supportive, don’t judge and keep me in your prayers.
The only thing you can really say is “I’m sorry you are going through this. Is there anything I can do?”
That is all for my rant. Can you tell that this was all bottled up inside me for quite a while now?
In total contradiction to the above I am not bitter. I am just trying to somehow explain what the infertile are dealing with on a daily basis.
Thanks for listening!!