Saturday, May 26, 2007

Reflection

Feeling Quiet
Hearing Silence

After I miscarried I came across a journal where someone talked about her miscarriage.

Her words were a lifeline I didn’t even know I needed. I have continued to read her journal and waited patiently for her to come back when she took a break from journaling to have a baby. I love reading what she has to say because she writes so beautifully. She is honest and she writes from her heart whether good or bad. She recently started a new journal which is just as honest as the first journal. She is the reason I started my online journal. She made me want to put my thoughts in writing…the good and the bad. I may not write very eloquently and not everyone agrees with what I have to say and my rants are sometimes very “ranty” but the intention to be true to myself is always there.

I have spent a lot of time praying for my friend Holly the last few days because she just had a miscarriage and in those prayers I found a certain peace within myself.

It will be two years on June 20 that I miscarried and I still am blindsided by it at times but not as much as I used to be.

It is very strange to see my girlfriends who were pregnant at the same time I was with their children but it doesn’t hurt as much anymore.

There is still a hole in my heart that yearns for that lost baby as well as a secret place in my soul that aches to have another baby.

That being said I have found that I am really okay with not having another baby. I don’t know where/what/how the change in me happened…but thank God it did.

I have always said that I am grateful for the family I have. I guess I have let go of the family I thought I would have.

I am not saying when certain dates come around or when my friends have happy pregnancy news I won’t be sad or have that yearning for a baby.

I will always miss my angel baby but know that I will hold that baby in heaven.

Growing up Catholic we have a prayer for everything.

When I miscarried I was given this prayer.

I have never looked at it as a prayer but more of a reminder.

I have read it over and over and it always gives me peace.

MISCARRIAGE PRAYER
By Mother M. Angelica

My Lord, the baby is dead!
Why, my Lord, dare I ask why?
It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face.
It will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise.
Why, my Lord?

“Why, My child, do you ask ‘why’?
Well, I will tell you why. You see, the child lives.
Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne.
Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty, he sees My face.
He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor.
He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth.
He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess.
My ways are not the ways of man.
I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another.
He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits.
He has never seen pain or sin.
He has never felt hunger or pain.
I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.”

I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love.
I speak as a fool, forgive me.
I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death.
I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity.