So hard

Feeling Sad
Hearing Quiet

Well...here it is. My due date.

I am not sure what I expected to feel today but I did not expect it to feel like this.

I am feeling totally decimated...almost like this loss is happening all over again.

I kind of already knew that my real healing could not start until after my due date.

I no longer need to look at every pregnant women and wonder how pregnant she is for a comparison. Each week ticking by will no longer mean the same thing. I now have a totally different set of dates...the what if dates.

I have had this experience before. I don't know if it is because I am alone today that it feels harder than last time.

I sit here and cry and pray and cry and pray.

I knew this date would be hard. I just did not expect it to be this hard.

Bitter much?

Feeling Sad
Hearing The Today Show

I am feeling very emotional this morning.

I am not sure what triggered it but I am very weepy.

The bitterness has been creeping in a bit this month.

Not entirely unexpected...I should be over 38 weeks right now.

I should be miserably huge right now. I should be bitching about being pregnant and how I can't wait to get this baby out of me. I should be counting down the minutes until I meet a precious new life.

Instead I am still trying to get pregnant. I went to the doctor earlier this month to "reregulate" my cycle. I feel like we are starting over. I feel like we are running out of time. I am so mad about it!

I see a woman I am in the PTO with everyday walking up to school to pick up her kids. She is WAY pregnant and has what should be MY due date. I was talking to her and another mother last week and she was complaining about all her symptoms. I had to excuse myself. I could not hear another word. Around most pregnant people I am fine but for some reason I am extremely resentful towards this woman. There is no rhyme or reason (except the due date thing). It makes me feel like such a horrible person.

I am crying and praying this morning.

Praying for peace to settle in my heart.

D@mn Lisa Marie Presley

Feeling Quiet
Hearing Nada

Lisa Marie Presley announced the names of her twin girls today (Harper & Finley). How in the world did she pick both of MY girl names? I know it is crazy how possessive I feel about these names but I can't help it!

My Monthly Heartbreak

Feeling Quiet
Hearing Football on tv

I have another blog ( Gillie Time ) and have from time to time touched on my desire to have another child and all the heartbreak that goes with it.

The main focus of that blog is my need to share the joy that is my life. :) There have been times that I have started to write something in respect to the baby fever and stopped myself because I did not feel that Gillie Time was the appropriate forum for those "rants".

I have copied all my "infertility" and "miscarriage" entries from Gillie Time to this blog and will use this blog to talk about that aspect of my life.

So here it is...the dirty and ugly side of me...My Monthly Heartbreak.