Saturday, October 7, 2006

Lost

Feeling Sad
Hearing James Taylor

I am feeling like I am at a major crossroads in my life and I have some serious decisions to make.

We are at a critical point on whether to proceed with any fertility stuff on the baby front. It is a very emotional decision for me and I just don’t know if I can go do the fertility stuff again. The highs and lows hormonally as well as the deep depression when another month goes by and still not pregnant. I also do not know if I can go through another miscarriage. It has been well over a year and it still decimates me sometimes. Hubby is completely content with just The Prince but I feel like Hubby and the Prince deserve more.

All this baby stuff is taking a toll on my relationship with Hubby. He tries to fix everything and there is no quick fix to any of this.

But the worst part is I feel like I have lost my way. I am trying to put God first in my life but I am feeling so alone and uninspired. I don’t know how to get back on the path that I have strayed so far from.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Sadness

Feeling Sad
Hearing Quiet

I am feeling very sad today.

It was a very long day and I tried to stay very busy so it would go by quickly.

This is the date last year that I had the miscarriage.

This date in 2005 was one of the most painful (physically and emotionally) days of my life.

I have felt better about things in the last few months and really thought I’d be okay.

Not the case…the date hit my like a ton of bricks this morning.

I can’t really talk about this with anyone as by now of course everyone thinks I should be over it.

I’m not.

Every month that goes by and I’m not pregnant is a little tougher.

I feel guilty for wanting to get pregnant so badly because I don’t want it to sound like that I am not grateful for the beautiful son I already have. I LOVE my son and I LOVE my life but I sometimes feel like a little piece of me dies each month when I find out I am not pregnant again.

I am praying to find peace and praying to find acceptance. I know if it is meant to be it will happen and that everything happens for a reason and is in God’s plan.

Getting over this is just harder than I expected.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Quiet Prayer

Feeling Quiet
Hearing None

God grant me the wisdom to understand and the courage to do what is right.

Tuesday, January 3, 2006

Can't Sleep

Feeling Sad
Hearing Silence

I am feeling very sad. I can’t sleep.

Today was supposed to be my due date.

I thought I had come to terms with the miscarriage but obviously not so much.

I sit in the room that was supposed to be the baby’s room and feel so empty. The fact that it is still an office seems so wrong.

The holidays took my mind off things temporarily but at times they were very hard. The Crown Prince asked Santa for a baby and in his prayers at night he asks the baby Jesus to send us a baby to love. I have been okay for the most part but am still dealing with the loss and the hopelessness of trying again.

After The Prince turned five we had accepted he would probably be an only child and we were happy with that. Then I got pregnant! I can’t describe the joy I felt. We waited until we were “safe” at 12 weeks and told The Prince. Things were good and then I miscarried at 16 weeks-so much for the “safe” period. I understand that it was not meant to be and all that but it doesn't really make it any easier.

But with the sadness comes guilt.

Guilt that I could have done something different. I know I could not have prevented the miscarriage but the guilt lingers.

Guilt that I am not grateful enough for the wonderful family I already have.

The guilt is almost as bad as the sadness.

I struggle to understand “THE WHY” in all this, but know one day I will.

I take comfort in knowing that we have our own special angel in heaven watching over us…