The end...

Feeling Content
Hearing Tiny Baby Snores

It is time to move on from here.

I am no longer enduring my monthly heartbreak.

Miraculously this time last year I found out I was pregnant. The Crown Prince had just turned 10 and I was almost 38 and I was pregnant!!!

Pregnancy was awful. I worried and stressed and stressed and worried the whole pregnancy. I had every pregnancy malady in the book. I so wanted to enjoy being pregnant (as I knew it would be my last pregnancy) but it was not happening.

On February 25 I gave birth to sweet Harper Katherine! She is adored and loved beyond measure in our home.





I still grieve for the babies we will never know but rejoice in this sweet girl every day!



I am still blogging a bit...I am on Tumblr now...find me HERE!

Just Another Day...

Feeling Conflicted
Hearing Silence

My heart just aches today and I am feeling very alone. I do this to myself. I don't tell anyone how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking.

Two years ago I had a miscarriage. So two years & one day ago I was still hopeful. Two years & one day ago I had the most delicious secret. Two years and one day ago I was still pregnant and happy and feeling blessed.

I have been beyond obsessed with wanting to have a baby the last few days. For the most part I really don't think about it anymore. I have a great life and am happy with what I have.

But...

In my most secret dreams...I dream of having another baby. I am really not hopeful about having a another baby anymore. It is just a little wish locked deep in my most secret thoughts.

So today I am sad. Sad for the babies I've lost and for the babies that never will be.

I am sad but I am also dreaming... dreaming of sweet baby cheeks, baby sighs and delightful baby breath.

Sad but dreaming...

What a difference a day makes...

Feeling Blessed
Hearing Silence

What a difference a day makes!

After all the heavy heartfelt discussions and big decisions of the past weekend...things looked different to Hubby and me yesterday.

We decided we would hold off on changing anything on our insurance policies or on his person :) for another year.

I do not think either of us was really ready to shelve the baby topic permanently yet (and I do not think he was really ready to make any permanent physical adjustments)!

I am praying for God's continued guidance and wisdom and keeping my fingers crossed (but not my legs...tee hee)!

Big Decisions

Feeling Sad
Hearing Silence

Hubby and I have had to make some big decisions lately and we made the biggest one today.

With the rising costs of health insurance and the fact that we are self insured we have decided to drop the maternity coverage on our policy. Hubby has also decided to undergo the big V!! The chances are slim that we could even get pregnant but it seems to be the responsible thing to do.

It is almost bittersweet that we made this final decision today. Today was my due date four years ago. We should be celebrating a four year old's birthday and instead we are deciding and celebrating that our family is perfect as is.

I was so devastated four years ago.

I had no idea how I would live through the heartache and despair.

I had no idea what was in store for me.

I had no idea that I would face the death of a loved one, cancer in another loved one and a second miscarriage.

I faced all of that and survived it.

I think Hubby & I were able to make this difficult decision because of what we have been through together the last few years. I also think all of this has made us a much closer family unit.

This decision wasn't easy and I am sure I will second guess myself more than once over the next few months but I am happy we made the decision together.

Moving past the "What if?" has been difficult and I am sure it will continue to be difficult BUT I can also delight in the fact that our "What is" is actually pretty fantastic!!

Wish

Feeling Envy
Hearing The Prince piano practice

I held a baby today...

A beautiful, happy, squishy, healthy, fat baby.

I held a baby today...

And oh how I wish he was mine.

So much for being okay

Feeling Heartache
Hearing The Prince in the tub

I just spent the longest meal of my life staring at the most beautiful baby. Tonight was a PTO family night at one of the local restaurants. We always try to go to these nights to support the school, to help our PTO and to support our local restaurants.

So...being a PTO event there were a lot of the PTO moms there. Including her with her beautiful baby boy. I could not take my eyes away from him. I hope she didn't notice me coveting her baby. I tried to look away but I found my eyes were drawn to him over and over again. I don't see this mom very much at school anymore. That is a good thing. She will always be a sort of reminder of what I so very much wanted. A reminder of a lost dream and a broken heart.

I looked at my family during the meal and found myself lost in how different things could be right now if I hadn't lost that baby. I'd have an almost six month old as well as The Prince. My life would be such a different life that I can't even really imagine it anymore.

My heart still aches for that life. I can't escape that ache.

What is...

Feeling Reflective
Hearing Silence

It is hard to believe that this time last year I was carrying the most wonderful secret of being pregnant.

I was so happy yet terrified at the same time.

I can't believe it's been almost a year since I lost that baby.

It is so true that time does heal. There were times last year that I really didn't think I was ever going to be okay with it.

But I am. In the last few months I have yet again found a peace and an acceptance with it.

I still long to hold the babies I have lost but I am okay with not having another baby.

With the new year this year I made a recommitment to my family...my family as it is now. I had to finally give up the idea of the family I had dreamed of and in doing so I realized how content I was with the family I have. Three is a magic number. I truly am beyond blessed. I know this in my heart and know that God's plan for me and my family is better than any plan I could ever dream of.

Knowing this does not take away the fact that I am sure there will be bad days. Days where I ache for the babies I lost and though I know they are dancing in heaven it does not make me wish any less that I had had a moment to hold each of them here on earth.

We have decided not to do any addtional fertility treatments. We aren't necessarily trying to get pregnant but we aren't doing anything to prevent it.

I have moved on from the "What if?" and am living in the "What is."

Reflection

Feeling Blue
Hearing Silence

Hubby & The Prince are out and about and I am alone this morning.

Alone with my thoughts.

Today was my due date three years ago.

I should have a three year old birthday party to get ready for. I should be stressed and tearing my hair out to have a party so soon after Christmas and with a fairly newborn baby in the mix.

Though I am feeling a bit lost in "what might have been" thoughts I am nonetheless feeling very happy.

It's a new year with new hope.

I am not sure what to hope and pray for now.

As I (and The Prince) get older the practicality of another baby diminishes. My life as it is now holds great joy and comfort and I start to get fearful of "overturning the applecart" so to speak.

So I leave it as an open ended prayer and wish for the year...

I hope and pray 2009 brings joy and happiness and growth like I could never imagine for myself and my family.

Out of the blue

Feeling Reflective
Hearing Rick Springfield~The First Noel

Thanksgiving was interesting. I was in the shower after a mad cleaning session before our company showed up and I had a very vivid memory. When I first found out my due date the first thing Hubby & I laughed about was how thankful we would be this Thanksgiving. I daydreamed a bit about the baby that should be here with us. I was sad but am starting not to crumble whenever my mind wanders like that.

Until this morning...

I had a dentist appointment first thing this morning. I was in the chair waiting for the hygienist and when she walked in the first thing she asked all excitedly "So, did you have a boy or a girl??" Talk about out of the blue. I gasped and answered quietly "Neither." She was mortified and didn't know what to say (outside of a quick "I'm sorry") so I quickly started babbling about the snow and the drive in to the office to change the subject and make her feel better. Again, my mind wandered to my last appointment and how excited I was about the baby. I didn't have x-rays done and had scheduled my next appointment for after my due date. My heart beat quickly through the whole appointment. It took all I had to keep it together in the appointment but I managed not to break down in tears.

The first few months after the miscarriage there were quite a few of these incidents...but I kinda always knew to expect them. I can't think of anyone else who knew I was pregnant that I have not seen since the miscarriage. I sure hope this is the last one.

Seriously?

Feeling Quiet
Hearing The dishwasher

I've been somewhat able to move on lately. My mind has not been as obsessed with babies since my due date has past. I was feeling pretty good.

Then last night I heard that Hubby's cousin is pregnant...AGAIN. This is her fourth in less than four years.

Seriously?!?

I was stunned. She just had a baby at the end of June. I am a little bitter. Unfortunately, in my heart her life is a little entangled in my miscarriage past. I was pregnant at her baby shower in July 3 years ago. I soon miscarried after that. Since that first miscarriage she has had THREE babies while I have had two miscarriages and now she is pregnant again. WTH?? It so brings back the chorus of "What about me????"

Realistically it's not like I'm jealous of that situation. I would in no way want four babies under the age of four. It just stings a little and totally makes my heart hurt!

I am sure my MIL will be feeling it as well. Her brother is the grandfather to all these babies and he has gone from no grandchildren to what will be 7 in less than 4 years. That family has three boys and one girl and all the boys are married and have just started popping out babies. The daughter is getting married in the spring so I am sure she'll be pregnant soon after. They are a fertile bunch. :) Poor Mar...she has only the one and is desperate for more grandchildren.

I did not sleep well (partly becasue Hubby is gone but also because I could not shut my mind off). and then when I finally fell asleep...I dreamt of babies. I can't escape it.

This feels like such a pity party and I don't want to feel this way. It's totally random how any news of what is going on with her totally knocks me for a loop.

I so need to go drink the kool-aid at their house!

So hard

Feeling Sad
Hearing Quiet

Well...here it is. My due date.

I am not sure what I expected to feel today but I did not expect it to feel like this.

I am feeling totally decimated...almost like this loss is happening all over again.

I kind of already knew that my real healing could not start until after my due date.

I no longer need to look at every pregnant women and wonder how pregnant she is for a comparison. Each week ticking by will no longer mean the same thing. I now have a totally different set of dates...the what if dates.

I have had this experience before. I don't know if it is because I am alone today that it feels harder than last time.

I sit here and cry and pray and cry and pray.

I knew this date would be hard. I just did not expect it to be this hard.