Thursday, August 16, 2007

Pity Party

Feeling Sad
Hearing Wayne Watson~Watercolor Ponies

This is a bit of downer entry for me…you have been warned.

I have not had one of the best days ever.

Hubby is out of town for the day which always worries me. It’s just a day trip but still I worry.

I have been feeling a bit down lately about a lot of things and I called one of my best friends today to chat and she tells me she is pregnant. I started crying immediately. It took everything I had to congratulate her and to not let her know I was crying. We talked for a few minutes and I got off the phone as quickly as I could without being a total bitch.

I cried all afternoon.

I want so badly to be happy for her but am really struggling. I am sure it was extremely hard for her to tell me and I have plenty of time to get used to the idea but I am afraid for our friendship. Things have already changed between us because she moved to Colorado. Friendship can be harder long distance and I think our friendship is changing and not for the better. We do not talk nearly as much as we used to and when we do talk we do not have as much to talk about. The lack of things to talk about has happened with quite a few of my friends lately and I know it’s because I stay home now and just don’t have as much to talk about. I am okay with that but with really close friends you should always have something to talk about right? Now with her pregnancy I know I am going to harbor a tiny bit of resentment, animosity, jealousy and bitterness and am afraid this may impact what is left of our friendship. I am happy for her and it is not her fault we haven’t had another baby but I am afraid that my tiny little heartbreak will now forever be between us.

I have been feeling a little sorry for myself lately because of the friendship thing. I do not have any friends that stay home. All my friends work. I knew once I quit my job to become a SAHM my friendships would change but I am still sad at how they’ve changed. At least when I worked I could steal away for breaks and lunches with my friends but now that I am home it has become harder and harder to schedule things and I have more time to think about the time I am no longer spending with my friends. I am really bad at making new friends and I really wish I could easily meet some. Why can’t someone come up to me and say “Hi, wanna be friends?”

To top it all off I haven’t been sleeping very well lately and have been feeling very anxious. I think this is mostly because I will be turning 35 next week. This bothers me way more than I’d like to admit. I totally wigged when I turned 30. I was a bit upset at 34 but I am coming a bit unhinged about 35! I know the whole age is only a number and allthat and it is totally silly to stress about something you can't change or control. 35 has just been harder on me emotionally. I definitely do not feel 35 (does anyone ever really feel their age?)! 35 is also a dreaded milestone if I were to get pregnant (higher risk of all kinds of scary crap) as well as lowering my probability of even getting pregnant.

At this point I am trying “Just To Be”.

I have a great life.

I have a wonderful husband and fabulous son.

As for all the other bs...It is what it is.

I can’t change the situation. I can just try and change how I feel about it.

I do believe God will guide my path and everything else is just noise right?

I have been reading and reading this Bible verse over and over again lately.

“Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.”

This verse really speaks to me.

It says to me that God hears my every prayer and that if I wait and trust in Him He will answer my prayers in His own time and in His own way.

What more could I ask for?

He knows my wildest hopes and darkest fears.

He knows what is in that quiet, secret place in my heart and what the perfect answer is to my prayers and what is truly best for me.

I just wish He'd hurry up!

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Tired

Feeling Quiet
Hearing Silence

I am tired.

Tired of trying to get pregnant.

Tired of hoping that I am pregnant.

Tired of waiting each month to find out yet again I am not pregnant.

Tired of feeling like a failure each month that I am not pregnant.

Tired of being afraid that I am pregnant and going to have another miscarriage.

Tired of seeing everyone else get pregnant.

Tired of seeing my friends and family get pregnant.

Tired of seeing my friends and family get pregnant again.

Tired of not being able to feel happy for them.

Tired of faking the happiness.

Tired of faking the “I’m okay”.

Tired of feeling this way.

I am just so tired.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Cloudy Day

Feeling Sad
Hearing None

I woke up with a cloud of sadness over me this morning. I am planning my day and trying to just stay busy so I do not have a lot of time to think. I don’t want to feel this way.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Quiet

Feeling Quiet
Hearing None

I started to write a really whiny, crying, woe is me entry but I have decided not to subject anyone else to my pity party.

I am just trying to be still and listen to what God is trying to tell me.

Dear Lord~ Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.


Saturday, May 26, 2007

Reflection

Feeling Quiet
Hearing Silence

After I miscarried I came across a journal where someone talked about her miscarriage.

Her words were a lifeline I didn’t even know I needed. I have continued to read her journal and waited patiently for her to come back when she took a break from journaling to have a baby. I love reading what she has to say because she writes so beautifully. She is honest and she writes from her heart whether good or bad. She recently started a new journal which is just as honest as the first journal. She is the reason I started my online journal. She made me want to put my thoughts in writing…the good and the bad. I may not write very eloquently and not everyone agrees with what I have to say and my rants are sometimes very “ranty” but the intention to be true to myself is always there.

I have spent a lot of time praying for my friend Holly the last few days because she just had a miscarriage and in those prayers I found a certain peace within myself.

It will be two years on June 20 that I miscarried and I still am blindsided by it at times but not as much as I used to be.

It is very strange to see my girlfriends who were pregnant at the same time I was with their children but it doesn’t hurt as much anymore.

There is still a hole in my heart that yearns for that lost baby as well as a secret place in my soul that aches to have another baby.

That being said I have found that I am really okay with not having another baby. I don’t know where/what/how the change in me happened…but thank God it did.

I have always said that I am grateful for the family I have. I guess I have let go of the family I thought I would have.

I am not saying when certain dates come around or when my friends have happy pregnancy news I won’t be sad or have that yearning for a baby.

I will always miss my angel baby but know that I will hold that baby in heaven.

Growing up Catholic we have a prayer for everything.

When I miscarried I was given this prayer.

I have never looked at it as a prayer but more of a reminder.

I have read it over and over and it always gives me peace.

MISCARRIAGE PRAYER
By Mother M. Angelica

My Lord, the baby is dead!
Why, my Lord, dare I ask why?
It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face.
It will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise.
Why, my Lord?

“Why, My child, do you ask ‘why’?
Well, I will tell you why. You see, the child lives.
Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne.
Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty, he sees My face.
He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor.
He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth.
He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess.
My ways are not the ways of man.
I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another.
He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits.
He has never seen pain or sin.
He has never felt hunger or pain.
I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.”

I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love.
I speak as a fool, forgive me.
I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death.
I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity.

Friday, February 16, 2007

***SECOND DISCLAIMER ON PREVIOUS ENTRY***

Feeling Quiet
Hearing None


The previous entry was a very personal entry for me to write.

I need to say that this entry was in no way directed at anyone who has previously left a comment in my blog.

It truly was my way of helping people understand just a little bit what it is like to deal with infertility.

Even after everything I wrote in the entry I do know that most people mean well and are just grasping for something, anything to say.

Most of all, I am grateful that I have friends to listen to me rant, vent, cry, bitch, whine or whatever about it and have learned long ago to take most comments that irk me with a grain of salt and for what they are...someone's way of letting me know they care about me.


***DISCLAIMER ON PREVIOUS ENTRY***

Feeling Quiet
Hearing Frank Sinatra


I guess I should say that the previous entry is based on my own personal experience.

As I stated EVERY EXPERIENCE IS DIFFERENT so this is what I would want people to know about my infertility.

If you are a friend to someone dealing with infertility all I can suggest is that you ask them what they need from you as a friend.

I do know that the infertile as a whole deal with many of the same emotions, but as my experience is different from others I know, it is different from others that you may know.

Again, thanks for listening and keeping me in your prayers.

***RANT***

Feeling Soapbox
Hearing Nina Simone

I started to begin this post with apologizing for the following rant.

I then decided I have nothing to apologize for.

Please consider this a public service announcement.

EVERY EXPERIENCE IS DIFFERENT!!

I know that many people deal with infertility on a daily basis. I have many online friends whom I talk about this topic with quite frequently. I do not write about this much in my blog or talk about it much with my friends. There is a whole secret language that the TTC (trying to conceive) use and it is easier to talk about it with people who know the lingo. That being said it is still hard for anyone to understand what I am going through even for people who are going through the same thing…because EVERY EXPERIENCE IS DIFFERENT.

Aside from being infertile I have to deal with the fact that people I know who are infertile and have no children somehow perceive me as an impersonator because I have managed to carry a pregnancy to term and have received the most wonderful gift of a beautiful and healthy son. There is that underlying animosity from them that I have a child and they do not. What a joy secondary infertility is.

Saying this in no way means I do not need and appreciate the positive comments and prayers from my friends.

What I do not need is advice. If I had a dollar for every time I heard the following comments...

1. You need to relax. (Really? Who says that to someone?)

2. It will happen if it is meant to happen. (Yeah, you’re right. I didn’t know this until you enlightened me!)

3. You should stop trying and then it will happen. (Seriously? All I need to do is to stop trying and I will magically get pregnant?)

4. Thankfully you already have a child. (Please see #1)

5. Maybe you should take a vacation. (Please see any of the above!)

6. You should think a little more positively. (Oh yeah, it is my negativity that is preventing me from getting pregnant. The very fact that I try again and again should show you I see the positive side of things. If you had dealt with any of this at all you would never say anything like this. If I was not in a positive frame of mind there would be no way I could deal with this month after month without having a psychotic break!)

This is my life and my experience is very different from your cousin, sister, friend (you pick the person) who magically got pregnant after 57 years of trying and without medical intervention. That is great for her but come on, what does telling me that accomplish? I am sure you feel better because you have given me a “ray of hope” that I can cling to. What you’ve actually done is depressed me even further because it compounds my failure.

I was guilty of the above offenses after I had The Prince because *IT* had finally happened to me. But now going through the baby chase again I want to kick myself for all the times I told someone “It will happen for you!” because what did I know? Just because I was able to get pregnant after years of trying and different procedures in no way means I was an expert to be able to advise someone else.

I can not describe the feeling of infertility to a “fertile”. There is no reprieve from the obsession, depression, disappointment, despair, bitterness, rage or the overwhelming hope that this time is the one that is going to stick. I could describe all the medical procedures that the infertile go thru, the money spent, etc. but I can not make a “fertile” understand the pain of infertility.

What I can tell you is what the infertile need from their friends is support not advice.

Please know that if you ask me how it’s going and I say I don’t want to talk about it then respect that. It is hard to talk about.

If I want to talk about it I will and what I am hoping to get back from you is someone to listen to me and not judge.

Please do not tell me of new medical procedures you have heard about as I am sure my doctor and I have covered it and decided whether it was the right path for me.

The best thing you can do as a friend is listen, be supportive, don’t judge and keep me in your prayers.

The only thing you can really say is “I’m sorry you are going through this. Is there anything I can do?”

That is all for my rant. Can you tell that this was all bottled up inside me for quite a while now?

In total contradiction to the above I am not bitter. I am just trying to somehow explain what the infertile are dealing with on a daily basis.

Thanks for listening!!

Wednesday, January 3, 2007

The Date

Feeling Sad
Hearing James Taylor

I look at a calendar every day.

I know what the date is but today’s “date” kind of snuck up on me.

Today was my due date last year.

I worked really hard to put it out of my mind and then today I was watching the morning news and they do first birthdays which is when you send in a picture to the station and on your baby’s birthday they get their 15 seconds of fame.

It hit me like a ton of bricks.

If I had not had the miscarriage I would be celebrating a first birthday with my little one.

In the last few months I have slowly come to terms with the likely hood that we will not have another child. I am still making my peace with this and I am getting there but the miscarriage still leaves a pretty big hole in my heart.

I thought about it a lot last month. The anesthesiologist who did my appendectomy also did my D&C when I had the miscarriage. It was an odd feeling to see him.

Outwardly today is just another day but in my heart this is my angel baby’s birthday.